not to a taxi listing..kids song..your thoughts?

[feaker66]

A lady who makes childrens books (for family only) asked me to write a song (no charge) after showing me a picture of a daisy and a smiling butterfly.
My hope is to get a young kid to sing it. My voice is bad and the dry mouth clicks I think are here to stay. The song is two minutes long. My first song with a new Breedlove guitar with a pickup. So much easier. I know it is cheating. The best to you.

https://soundcloud.com/feaker66/could-y ... -my-friend

Could you would you be my friend?

I’m a little daisy blowin in the wind …..I wish that I had a friend D G………A
Oh my my I see a butterfly…I wish that he would stop in
Hey there butterfly…would you be my friend..could you would you be my friend
G A D Bm G A D

I’ve been pretty happy living here alone…….. but I’d just like to talk to someone
I saw you smile ..as you flew on by……I think you and I could have some fun
Hey there butterfly…would you be my friend..could you would you be my friend

Solo D G D G D G A D…

Bm F#m G A D
Set down on this blade of grass …I wanna know so many things…. about you
And if you’re patient and you’re curious..I’ve got things to tell you bout me too

Hey there butterfly I got to meet you in the end…I’m glad that I have finally found a friend

[superblonde]

The melody note for "wind" should ascend not descend.

[Zaychi]

yes, this could work for something like that... I like it!

The bridge is not so great though, it breaks the flow of the song too much I think.

Try listening on headphones; you'll find that some stuff is panned too wide and unbalanced (too much to the right) and makes it feel incoherent.

[feaker66]

The melody note for "wind" should ascend not descend.

Ok, that would have to be a note that lands on the G chord. That would be b, g, or d??? I tried them and couldn't get them to work, but thanks for the chirp.

[feaker66]

yes, this could work for something like that... I like it!

The bridge is not so great though, it breaks the flow of the song too much I think.

Try listening on headphones; you'll find that some stuff is panned too wide and unbalanced (too much to the right) and makes it feel incoherent.

Hi Yes I listen on headphones and a couple different speaker systems and missed the things you spoke of

The bridge lagged for two reasons (that I fixed this morning) I changed the drums for emphasis, but the snare and kick then died.

I recorded the song using my new Breedlove. I placed one track all the way to the left and then recorded a second track capo'd up to the seventh fret on the left
I am not sure if they should go that wide

They were definitely unbalanced. Good catch there...thanks for taking the time

[cassmcentee]

Such a sweet tune Paul!
Do we ever really Grow Up?!?

Around 0:41 (guitar solo) The kick should stay Straight (no double hits)
Right now it has the slight feel of a "Stumble" timing-wise

The Bridge:
I like where it is and don't feel that it loses the groove but....
The lyrics are quick and undescernable.
Keep in mind that I don't read lyrics, I just listen.
I would try to simplify those words so that children could Land their Ears on each one
Nothing better than to imagine kids around you singing that part with you...
How many syllables can they spit out?
Cheers,
Cass

[feaker66]

Such a sweet tune Paul!
Do we ever really Grow Up?!?

Around 0:41 (guitar solo) The kick should stay Straight (no double hits)
Right now it has the slight feel of a "Stumble" timing-wise

The Bridge:
I like where it is and don't feel that it loses the groove but....
The lyrics are quick and undescernable.
Keep in mind that I don't read lyrics, I just listen.
I would try to simplify those words so that children could Land their Ears on each one
Nothing better than to imagine kids around you singing that part with you...
How many syllables can they spit out?
Cheers,
Cass

Hi old friend. Your ears must have been ringing a week ago. We were heading back from our winter home in Texas. As I passed the "Cass County" road sign, I told my wife that in my younger days I would send that to you. She said "glad you matured" ha ha
About the song. The only midi I use is drums. This beat in studio one is called country train??? Seemed to fit:) I will get that double kick out of there.

It's funny you're good instincts found that bridge awkward. I did too and for the very same reason. I wanted the butterfly to sit down and have a chat. I also wanted that section to move along. I added another guitar to try to keep it going?

I was wondering if you did some mastering for hire. You would be the only one i would trust I will never try to promote my tracks. I only want to leave my grandkids (6) something decent. I have no idea how to mix properly.

Again, thanks for taking the time

[superblonde]

The melody note for "wind" should ascend not descend.

Ok, that would have to be a note that lands on the G chord. That would be b, g, or d??? I tried them and couldn't get them to work, but thanks for the chirp.

It does not have to be a note which lands on a chord tone of G∆. It could be a suspension or retardation. Or octave displacement.