Chorus help, please - pro reviewer hated the hook!

[ideascapes]

I posted this song here previously, got some good comments, and reworked a few things (wrote a bridge). A pro reviewer gave me a critique which praised the idea/execution, but panned the title/hook line. I'm hoping to get some advice here about possible improvements. I'm posting the whole song and welcome any and all comments on this work tape, but if you'd like to focus, please go to the chorus and let me know if you have any preferences or ideas for improving the 2nd and last/title lines.Thanks for your time!Vince---------------------------------------------------Working Title: "Out of Love"http://www.taxi.com/ideascapes3 AM and I'm standing on the balcony Scanning memories of times we shared If you were here, you'd say, "Close the door, you’ll let the cold out"But you're gone and I’m left—unpreparedAnd now I miss youOver and over againAnd I keep writing love songs that’ll never be heardAnd staring at the scrapbook ‘til it’s totally absurd[Alt 2nd line] Would you even listen if I could find the words?I still leave you notes that beg to start anewHow can there be love when your love walks out on you?[Original] How can there be love when your love walks out on you?[Current] Well I'm out of love and my love walked out[Option 1] You're still here, but love walked out[Option 2] Love is gone, but you're still here[Option 3] I'm out of love, so please come back[Option 4] You're all I got and you're not here[Option 5] Memories are here, but love walked out[Option 6] Your line!At night I roam this empty house from room to roomI see signs of you everywhereA photo here, earrings and a hair tie thereThey give me hope you’ll reappearAnd I miss youOver and over againAnd I keep writing love songs that’ll never be heardAnd staring at the scrapbook ‘til it’s totally absurdI still leave you notes that beg to start anewHow can there be love when your love walks out on you?I'm out of love and my love walked outIn my heart, I know I didn’t always treat you rightToo much time was spent on me, on meIf you were here, I’d be a better manOne day I hope you’ll come back and seeAnd I’ll keep writing love songs that’ll never be heardAnd staring at the scrapbook ‘til the photographs are blurredI’ll still leave you notes that beg to start anewHow can there be love when your love walks out on you?I'm out of love and my love walked out

[jwebbinspired]

Vince, I like the feel of this song. It's very emotional and compelling. I really like the melody. I don't care for the line "And staring at the scrapbook ‘til it’s totally absurd" I like your alt line much better "Would you even listen if I could find the words?" however I like the one you used later in the song even better "And staring at the scrapbook ‘til the photographs are blurred" Option six: "You're in two places at once" (i.e. your heart and where ever she is)Andy

[iceman]

I liked the original line the best but that's not to say that there isn't something better out there, waiting to be found. You might try presenting it differently by building some drama into the end of the chorus. Maybe use some stops on beat one and vox solo partial lines on beats 2 thru 4. Repeat once with added harmony and finally, on the third repeat use the full line. Make it build.bam! - How can there be lovebam! - How can there be love (with added harmony?)bam! - How can there be love ... ...when love walks out on you (at this point the band is brought back in with a grand drum fill leading the way)Just an idea. I agree with Andy's 'photographs and blurred' preference.Randy

[ideascapes]

Thanks Andy and Randy (hey, that's catchy!). The specific feedback and suggestions on the lyric are very helpful.V>

[ontariolightning]

About the title, he still loves her so how could he be out of loveI would've somehow had the angle like, instead of out of order, out of love and setup a story that way, it'd be a little more clever but you'd need to nail itI still leave you notes that beg to start anewdoesn't sound like it'd be in a country songthe theme has been done a lot the same way, have you ever seen the notebook?the man built the house that they talked about living him while he waited for her...and eventually she saw it and came back, thats another way you could take this, except maybe with something else, just an idea

[partyofone]

Hi vince.. my chorus choice:And I keep writing sad songs that’ll never be heardAnd staring at your picture till the lines are all blurredI keep leaving you notes pleading for you to seeHow can I hold onto you,When your love's walked out on me?good luck!

[heckxx]

1: And I keep writing love songs that’ll never be heard2: And staring at the scrapbook ‘til it’s totally absurd3: I still leave you notes that beg to start anew4: How can there be love when your love walks out on you?5: I'm out of love and my love walked outThis is what I heard on the second chorus: I think the first two lines, rhythmically, are a bit awkward and un-catchy. Maybe theres no maybe words or something and you're trying to force them to fit. It is a generally slower song, and you do seem to sing some fast notes in those lines.Line 3-5 I like, and the theme of "Love walks out on you" definitely comes out as a good song title, as I see you changed it to. Lines 3-4 are definitely the best, 5 is just okay. Again, I would say maybe try to make sure the rhythms are interesting (I am a rhythm person, I guess, lol)-Jeff

[deantaylor]

Vince,Choosing from what you have and changing a bit:And I keep writing love songs that’ll never be heardWould you even listen if I FOUND THE RIGHT words?I still leave you notes BEGGING to start all newHow can there be love when your love walks out on you?Memories are here, but love walked outBut I think I like Patricks above better.I didn't pay much attention to keeping it in your melody idea.Dean

[ideascapes]

o-lighting, Patrick, Jeff, Dean,All helpful comments, thanks. Even reading somebody else's musing on my lyrics makes me look at them differently and when the suggestion is something concrete, I always copy it to my worksheep to ponder it later. Appreciate it!Vince

[partyofone]

Cool deal. Yeah just totally playing around.. throwing some stuff out there. I know some of the ideas you guys have thrown out there at first had me scratching my head only to come back later and totally agree. ha haoops.. meant to say "thrown out there on MY SONGS" lol .. not dogging ya'lls advice to vince.