Watch My Whole Life Go By

[rivercitymusic]

Maybe this will get through. My last attempt failed.Got a tune i have yet to complete in the manner in which i had hoped it would end up. So i've re-done much of it and here are the first 2 verses and the chorus.Something doesn't seem right but it could just be me being too critical.Now remember folks i don't sing, i don't really play, am not a performing artist and don't have any ambitions to become one. I just try to write tunes and lyrics.So don't jump down my neck too far about the lack of a voice or quality playing, just the lyrics are important to me.Here is the link to the tune, it may not run yet since it takes some time for Taxi to get it up with the play button working and so on.http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... m=trueHere are the lyrics thus farWatch My Whole Life Go ByVerse 1I couldn’t tell when she walked awayIf she was near tears or had something to saySo I didn’t push her cause I knew she might cryI just stepped aside, and watched my whole life go by.ChorusSome fences you can’t mend, some scars just won’t healSometimes life is unfair, it seems so unrealThen outta nowhere, like a summer stormYour dreams all explode and your heart gets tornAnd as you make your final appearance as husband and wifeYou just step aside, and watch your whole life go by.Verse 2Friends in kindergarten and elementary schoolLovers at eighteen, we were young and I was a foolI should have known that no matter what I triedShe’d be packing up one day as I watched my whole life go by. thanksDoc

[rivercitymusic]

I forgot to add.I'm hoping it's country enough but if there is a venue that is more likely to fit it then please note such.Doc

[mojobone]

Think you need to swap the verses and write a bridge, maybe need a stronger lyric for the hook line of the chorus; I'll come back to this after I can listen to the music, I'm just going by the lyric at the moment. You probably need another verse, too; develop a story arc-think "Who's That Man" by Toby Keith, maybe.

[ideascapes]

Hi Doc. Congrats on recording a very clear demo--no problem hearing the guitar and vocal with all the lyric. First of all, I apologize up front if anything I say her is obvious or sounds pandering. I'm certainly no pro, but my comments will be pretty basic.First, I think your title it interesting, but in context of the song, could be stronger. There's a little point-of-view issue, as in the verse says "watch MY whole life go by," while the chorus has, "watch YOUR whole life..." I think I understand your choice: the verse is first person/personal, and you're sort of generalizing in the chorus. It could work.Second, "Step aside, and watch my whole life go by" sounds like you're seeing historical highlights pass before your eyes, whereas it seems the intention of the lyric is more, "step back and watch my whole life walk away."Third point: I'm not necessarily the best rule keeper myself, but you've written this in the form of Verse/Refrain, since you say the title in the last line of the verse. The stardard form here would be AABA (could be additional A's and/or B's, but would be several verses before, with the the title lines in the verse--refrain--being very memorable and highlighted.Last, to my ears, in the chorus you have, there's not enough differentiation in the melody or harmony from the verse. I'd expect something more to change there.I'm re-reading your thread and now see that you say "just the lyrics are important," so maybe my melody comment doesn't apply.Hope this helps!Vince

[rivercitymusic]

Thanks for the input it is really helpful, if i understand it.I don't sing or play worth a darn so i'd have to have someone eles do a real demo on this. I just sit around and write and tinker with a melody so i'm not a good source to listen to.My intent on the Watch my whole life go by was an infererce that as she walked by she was his whole life and as she walked by his whole world/ life did as well. Was most likely confusing the way it was done by me.i'll go check out those points you have left for me and see what i can do. Which is gonna be limited. Gotta get someone else behind the mic and gutiar sooner or later.If/when i have questions i'll post themThankDoc

[rivercitymusic]

Dec 1, 2008, 11:44pm, mojobone wrote:Think you need to swap the verses and write a bridge, maybe need a stronger lyric for the hook line of the chorus; I'll come back to this after I can listen to the music, I'm just going by the lyric at the moment. You probably need another verse, too; develop a story arc-think "Who's That Man" by Toby Keith, maybe.Will do, and yes it needs another verse and a lot of work periiod. I stopped revamping it years ago and never got any further than this so the last verse is sitting on paper waiting to have me figure out whether or not it's even worth finishing.It it country? or does it fit some other venu of music? I stopped not only because of a brain fart on the lyrics but also after hearing it i didn't feel there was a place for it anyway.ThanksDoc

[cjdenecia]

hey doc ....first thing .... that's a lot of words, syllables and thoughts that you're trying to fit in there man ... any chance you could just relax and slow it down just a tad?cus that'd help a lot.just on the pure sense of the storyline and the basic flow, it's just not bad ... I see how you feel the chorus is the chorus and the hook - and to a degree it is, but then again, that chorus as it is - is just too long. you make your melodic point with it about half way through. hate to tell you to cut words but I think that's the best bet.what you could do is use the first half of the words on the first chorus and the second half on the second (with the watch my whole life go by turnaround phrase bring them together)I have to say that it also needs a middle 8 (bridge) as well to break up the melody some ... the verse and chorus being so close in structure and all.but cutting the chorus in half and slowing the song down, to me, that's the first things ... after you've done that, it might take on a different perspective and could be looked at again. as well tho .... just a quick lyrical look .... simplifying sometimes helps ...take "Sometimes life is unfair, it seems so unreal" and replace it with "sometimes life ain't fair, it don't seem real" will sing much smoother and says the same thing. a song like this can be done with conversational lyrics ... and based on your voice, I just don't hear you saying your lyric there. you might do, but the line sounds a bit more formal than what I'd expect from this country song.help? good. I have to go now, I think the cat just puked up that hot chili I put in his chow ... I thought it'd be funny but I didn't know somebody'd let him inside and he'd end up sitting in my chair dammit.I hate cats.

[rivercitymusic]

Thanks again for the input. I gotta agree that smoothness and flow of the words is really important here. Simple is best.I'll work on it more and try to get it to fit better.Thanks for not crushing me on the lack of my playing and singing skills since i am the first to state i don't have them! lol I just like the word part of music, poetry, novels and so on.Again, thanksDoc

[rivercitymusic]

As a side bar. I keep hearing about bridges, whether they be in the music or the lyrics. I know they have been around for decades but in an instance where a supposed songwriter is just trying to get some quality lyrics puked outta his head and put a basic melody along with it for a REAL PRO to take it from there and engineer it into a song THEY can sing, not me; Is this Bridge really necessary in my writing? Just asking.The reason i ask is i really don't understand them and the few i have been shown never seems constant in subsequent music i hear. They almost seem subjective. Or, i just don't realize they are there.I actually understand the musical bridge better, it's what i call a transition (remember i'm not schooled in music in any form or fashion) from a verse to a chorus and or visa versa.But i could be wrong. Hep - MeDoc

[cjdenecia]

a bridge can be a lot of things doc ... but for you, might I suggest something simple that will be easy to follow ... take your chords ... maybe the chorus - swap them up. change the order ... now sing over it and see how it relates to the chorus but is different.from there, you can add other chords and add color and then the melody can move around as well.of course, that's only one method of changing things up for a bridge but it's a good place to start.