The Second Time Around

[Casey H]

old stuff... removed...

[dgolding]

Casey, my first impression is that the instrumentation doesn't really fit the tune. A traditional jazz arrangement is the only one that springs to mind, you know, banjo, clarinet etc, with a brass section.I have to be honest though, I really can't say I like the song, it's just not my cuppa tea, and it's hard to see a commercial appeal for it these days. Perhaps the Trad Jazz idea is clouding my judgement, as I really don't care for the genre.There seems to be a slightly distorted guitar in there somewhere? Whatever it is, I really don't think it's doing the song any favours. It also needs something to define the rhythm more, maybe stronger drums and/or bass.Apologies for being negative about it, but if, as I suspect, you're like me, all opinions have some value.

[Casey H]

Quote:Casey, my first impression is that the instrumentation doesn't really fit the tune. A traditional jazz arrangement is the only one that springs to mind, you know, banjo, clarinet etc, with a brass section.I have to be honest though, I really can't say I like the song, it's just not my cuppa tea, and it's hard to see a commercial appeal for it these days. Perhaps the Trad Jazz idea is clouding my judgement, as I really don't care for the genre.There seems to be a slightly distorted guitar in there somewhere? Whatever it is, I really don't think it's doing the song any favours. It also needs something to define the rhythm more, maybe stronger drums and/or bass.Apologies for being negative about it, but if, as I suspect, you're like me, all opinions have some value.Hi DavidNo need to apologize- appreciate your feedback. One thing I forgot to say in my original post was that the song would probably fall in the comedy/novelty genre. That's a small market niche and we'd like to see how people might react from that perspective. Not saying that to, in any way, diminish the value of your feedback. The things you said might still very much apply.Thanks for taking the time to listen. Really appreciate it! CaseyPS... so you think pitching it to Green Day wouldn't work? (LOL )

[Casey H]

Bump... I'm hoping to get some more opinions as to how this could work as a comedy/novelty song... So, if anyone has a moment, some more brutally honest feedback would be appreciated...Thanks! Casey

[billg]

Hi Casey, I think I know one of the places where you plan to pitch this song! (thanks again) -About the song - in the 2nd verse you have place/face/place ending the verse in rhyme. Although place does rhyme with place, I'd use something in place of (wish I knew how to use the smiley icons!) the last place. whew!. The first verse ends with smiles/aisle/fine. I think you should bust out the rhyming dictionary and find a replacement for fine. And although it would be a bold move, I liked your idea of using copulate instead of "go on dates." There ya have it . . . good luck! -billg-

[aubreyz]

Quote:Bump... I'm hoping to get some more opinions as to how this could work as a comedy/novelty song... So, if anyone has a moment, some more brutally honest feedback would be appreciated...Thanks! CaseyWell my first time around with 2nd time around... hmmm. It's interesting, but somewhat disjointed. First impression is that the guitar is too bluesy rock and not really fitting (seems a little loose rhythmically too).As far as potential --- the story is pretty specific, so I think the opportunities would be narrow, but possible.Here's my take on what I would try to do with the song. Too enhance the novelty, I would go for a real ragtime feel, like making the honky tonk piano part the primary instrumentation -- or maybe a big band thing, and either way go for a real old 30's- 40's vocal -- think Fred Astaire "putting on the Ritz" or even Taco's remake (yes I'm showing my 80's roots) I'm not suggesting the Taco instrumentation, but that vocal sound and delivery.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1RsWqNI ... &search=As is, if this makes any sense, it's not really hokey enough to be novelty, but too hokey NOT to be novelty.Aub

[Casey H]

Thanks Aub and Bill... Appreciate it... Good points! Casey

[deantaylor]

Casey,Yes this song is very funny! I really like the lyric. Melody is fun. Music needs something different ... more energy .. different. Yes, use 'copulate'!!!!! And maybe update your song and music references (disco, Celebrate, etc.). Also, I think you can improve the outro lines. I love this line "Won’t cost so much the second time", but the rest probably could be 'funnier'.Good luck with it.Dean