Tragically Alone Again

[divinediva]

ty for input

[hummingbird]

Hi ddiva, welcome aboard, nice to meet you. You write very powerfully and there are some great lines - i.e. "fill me with your toxic seed".IMO the song really takes off in verse two and I'm wondering if you even need verse one. In addition, some of the phrasing is grammatically odd.try it like this:as though I WAS were so transparent, you gazed through my fractured shelltarnished the core of my purity, banishing me to a frigid hellinfiltrating my serenity, you filled me with your toxic seednumbing me with a vacant stare, you neglected my every needChorusfragments of your empty heart crudely drifted away from meshrouded in a rose colored cloud only your selfish eyes could seecompletely devoured within the depths of the shallow (of your barren poolrealization sliced through me, i would no longer be the feeble foolChorusBridgeclosing my ears to your final pleasi slipped away from you bitterlya new beginning awaits me, i am finally freeChorusThe issue that might come up with the two above verses is that they pretty much say the same thing - although very well. A screener might be looking for more of the story... like, a phrase that says why you got together and/or why you stayed so long. So vs 1 is scene one, she's neglected. vs 2 is scene 2... when we first met you loved me to death and I was taken in... became the fool... and the bridge is scene 3, she's moving forward.Chorus-wise my suggestion is - to be more anthem like - I think it would be more marketable, ie (using words that are already in your lyric) just off the top of my head.....(and so I)I choose to be alone againI choose to be whole againno more plastic smilesno more blazing tearsno more frozen fears(I'm leaving you behind)alone againHope that helps. Hope I'm not overdoing the suggestions. Keep or sweep. Keep working on it!cheersHummin'bird

[divinediva]

Thanks Hummin'bird.I love your suggestions. This actually started off as a poem. The chorus didn't exist at all, so in that form the "verses" sort of worked better because... well it was a poem, left for interpretation. Now I am tying to turn it into a song, so a lot of kinks need to be worked out before it can work in that format. I am getting advice here and there so that I can work on rewriting and reformatting it, so your input will be a great help. Thanks Again

[Casey H]

Hi d.d.Welcome! I could tell that started as a poem... Some good phrases here, a little on the dark side... Reminds me of Evanescence. To go from poem to song, you most likely need to shorten a lot of phrases. If course it depends on the music, but most of the time you don't want a lot of extraneous words. Sometimes certain multi-syllable words like "translated" won't sing well, especially if in the middle of a phrase (OK in rap as an end-of-phrase rhyme). The chorus probably would work better if it started or ended with the title "Tragically Alone Again" which might even be better as "Tragically Alone". Most often, the chorus key phrase is the "hook" of the song, the phrase you want listeners to have stuck in their heads.You have a lot of good metaphors and similes but you don't want to go on overload either. Try to make the lyrics work closer to normal conversation, interjecting these things at key points. A lot however, depends on the genre you are targeting. There are things you could get away with in Goth Rock that would never work in Pop or Country.What genre do you want this for? Casey

[divinediva]

Hi Horowitz,Thank you. I actually am an Evanescence fan so you picked up on that well, lol. Most of my writing, be it poetry, fiction, etc etc is more on the dark end of the spectrum, such as goth. So in my mind, it is definitely leaning towards goth rock. I appreciate all of your feedback as well. I hope to work on it again at some point this weekend if time allows and would love for you guys to critique it once I rewrite it.