HELP! I need my lyrics reviewed fast!

[toncart]

(scroll to the bottom of this thread to see the most recent edits to these lyrics)Ok, let me just say that I have written a song that could potentially be in a film. This could be the break that I have been looking for. The film is about my small hometown in Indiana and the fictional world of underground poker tournaments. It's supposed to be the "Major League" of card playing or the "Caddy Shack" of card playing. It's called "Hitting the Nuts". When a card player hits the nuts, that means he has the best hand on the table. This movie is more about life than poker playing, but sometimes life hits us in the nuts too. Anyway, to make a long story short, the producer, writer, and creator of the film is a friend of mine and I played guitar in his wedding. He does improv comedy and it's looking like a few of Saturday Night Live's cast members are going to be in the project. He's hoping that it can be another "Napolian Dynamite" breakthrough hit. Filming starts next summer. I talked to my friend, the producer, and told him that I could nail the title track if given the opportunity and he told me to go for it. Well, faster than any song I have ever written, I am already done with it. Lyrics, melodies, structure, you name it. I even rehearsed it with the singer today and we start recording next week. It's going to be a Travis Tritt inspired country rocker (kinda like T-R-O-U-B-L-E). It tells the story of a sure winner, so he thinks, that bets it all thinking that he's going to hit the nuts. In the end, well...he gets hit in the nuts when another player beats his hand. Please check it out below. The words are pretty much done. I need some professional feedback here. Please read each line carefully. If you have any suggestions or word changes let me know. Many of the terms are poker lingo already, but I want all lines to be winners. This could be the opportunity of a lifetime for me. Thanks guys. The words are below: (This has been revised since original post. Thanks for your help Hummingbird )“Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI'll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces in the pocket and queens in the holeI'm fillin up the house and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m all in on hand that’s a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waiting to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sightI’ll take it all inI know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m playing it coolHow bout another shot before I take em all to schoolThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doThey’ll wish they had a folded by the time this hand is throughPre Chorus:I’m all in on hand that’s a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waiting to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sightI’ll take it all inI know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em to the skyAll my chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo:Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I was all in and I thought it was guarenteedBut to my surprise I was beaten by my companyOutro Chorus:When the deal was all doneAnd another man wonI was thinkin that it couldn’t be rightI left it all on the table, I thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, that’s the way life goes…sometimes you hit and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.

[hummingbird]

Hey Tony - sounds like a great opp. Hope it works out for you. I've got a few comments on the lyric - bear in mind this is just my take on it, keep or sweep. “Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’m gonna ante up cause I only need one (one what? - doesn't the ante come before the bet?)With aces in the pocket and queens in the holeI’m lookin for the A flush and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m all in on A hand that’s a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waiting to see (mixed metaphor)Chorus:When the dealin's all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sight (POV: after I've won)I’ll take it all inI know I’m gonna win (POV: before I've won)Cause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m playing it coolHow bout another shot before I take em all to schoolThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doThey’ll wish they had a folded by the time this hand is throughPre Chorus:Chorus:Bridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise their bet tonight (I wouldn't use 'tonight' here if it's in your hook)All my chips are in and I’m gonna take stock (wouldn't you 'take stock' before you go all in?)When the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…(the bridge is too similar in rythm/meter & rhyme scheme to the verses. I suggest a 2-line bridge that moves the action forward)Guitar Solo:Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is now over and it’s time for the show (how is the game over if you haven't shown your hand yet?)Pre Chorus:I’m WAS all in on a hand that was guaranteed (present tense)But to my surprise I was beaten by my company (past tense - also I'm not sure if "company" scans well; and 'to my surprise' feels lumpy - maybe there's a better way to say this)Outro Chorus: When the dealin was doneAnd another man wonI was thinkin that it couldn’t be rightI left it all on the table, I thought that I was able (able to what? fragment)But I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)I think your verses are stronger than your chorus & the hook comes in too late. I'd try bookending the chorus or even repeating the hook more.Chorus:I'm Hittin' the Nuts(raking in the dough)yeah I'm Hittin' the Nutsda da da da da dado do do do do dodo do do do do doI’m Hitting the Nuts tonight Lots of good stuff, but I feel this could be tighter. I wonder about having 3 verses and a bridge and a solo. Maybe make the bridge a musical one, since it really doesn't say much that is new and is too similar the verses.Will you post your rewrite?Hope that helps a little,cheersHummin'bird

[toncart]

Good suggestions. Thank you. Good points on the ante up line. I'll re-think that. The gonna take stock line the person counting his lute before he wins. The game is now over line sticks because there is nothing else to do but lay down. Nothing can change. I like the present tense on WAS all in. I thought that I was able is understood that he thought that he was able to win based on his hand. I know it's a fragment, but that's how we talk in Scott County. : ) Thank you so much for your time and comments. You have helped me. : )Tony

[toncart]

Original post and lyrics have been modified. Verse 1, line 2 has been changed from "I'm gonna ante up cause I'm only needing one" to"I'm gonna push it to the limit cause I'm only needing one" for proper poker flow and because ante comes before bet and if I already have 4 cards, then plenty of betting has been going on already. Line 3 of the Bridge has been changed from "All my chips are in and I'm gonna take stock" to "All my chips are in, I'm already taking stock" The latter makes it sound like he is counting his jackpot before the last card is dealt. That is what I want. Pre Chorus after Verse 3 has been changed to "I was all in on a hand that was guarenteed" to keep the past tense consistency of that part of the song. Thanks again Hummingbird.

[edteja]

With aces in the pocket and queens in the holeI’m lookin for the A flush and bankin on the roll I am wondering about this part. If he has aces and queens, how the heck can he draw to a flush? And what roll? Again this seems a mixed metaphor.I like the overall go-for-broke idea of it. Should resonate with poker players.

[hummingbird]

Here are the lines that still trouble me....I'll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin one - one what? Look for a rhyme that allows you to complete the sentenceWith aces in the pocket and queens in the holeI’m lookin for a flush and bankin on the roll - as remarked above, it sounds like you're going for a full house, not a flushI’m all in on hand that’s a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waiting to see - a mixed metaphor... maybe you can get away with it because they are both gambling relatedI’m gonna call their bluff and raise their bet tonight- I wouldn't use 'tonight' here - try to find an imperfect rhyme that doesn't include someting from your hook line.All my chips are in, I’m already takin stock (good)This game is almost over and it’s time for the show (good)Pre Chorus:I was all in and I thought it was guarenteedBut to my surprise I was beaten by my company - this still feels "lumpy" to me. "I went all in, thought I had it made, when I drew my final card - the ten of spades"...I left it all on the table, I thought that I was able - able to what? Again, I'd look for an imperfect rhyme to complete the sentence so that you are speaking conversationally.The chorus still doesn't thrill me. It doesn't feel powerfully hooky to me. It repeats the same thoughts as the prechorus, and I think your chorus should at least start with the hook. I suggest you think about why people gamble - yes, to win money - but there is a thrill, an excitement about putting everything on the line - and I think your chorus should be about that. Your chorus is your selling point - if it doesn't grab them, you'll have a tough time making a placement.These are all just my opinions, keep or sweep.cheersVikki

[toncart]

"I'll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin one - one what? Look for a rhyme that allows you to complete the sentence"I'm thinking that most people will know that I only need one more card to make my hand complete or to finish out the full house. "With aces in the pocket and queens in the holeI’m lookin for a flush and bankin on the roll - as remarked above, it sounds like you're going for a full house, not a flush"You are completely right on that line. Thanks for catching that!!!!!! I need to fix it. A full boat is that same as a full house, maybe I can use that or why not just use "fillin up the house and bankin on the roll"? I kinda like that."But I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waiting to see - a mixed metaphor... "Yeah, it's a mixed metaphor, but that's the big gamble for the song. I use the expresson "rolling the dice" all of the time for any situation that involves betting. It's just another way of saying that he's betting or gambling on hitting that one last card. I'll probably stick with that line for now. "I’m gonna call their bluff and raise their bet tonight- I wouldn't use 'tonight' here - try to find an imperfect rhyme that doesn't include someting from your hook line."I see your point. How about "I'm gonna call their bluff and raise em to the sky"????Also, the pre chorus sections are really part of the regular chorus sections but the melody is just a tad different in the beginning. Maybe I should just eliminate the pre-chorus part and run it all together and call it the chorus.

[toncart]

"I am wondering about this part. If he has aces and queens, how the heck can he draw to a flush? And what roll? Again this seems a mixed metaphor."I'm glad you caught that too with the flush thing. Dang, that would have blown it. As far as the roll, that's a common poker term for flipping or dealing the next card. Rolling the cards. "I'm filling up the house and banking on the roll" Basically I have 4 of the 5 cards I need for a full house and I'm betting on the last card being dealt. Below is the most recent re-write. I changed the 1st line of the pre-chorus. I think this flows a little better. I'm still questioning the last line of verse II. It's kinda wordy.“Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces in the pocket and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m all in and it’s sure to be a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m still waiting to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sightI’ll take it all inI know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m playing it coolHow bout another shot before I take em all to schoolThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doThey’ll wish they had a folded by the time this hand is throughPre Chorus:I’m all in and it’s sure to be a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m still waiting to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sightI’ll take it all inI know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em to the skyAll my chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo:Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I was all in and I thought that it was guaranteedBut to my surprise I was beaten by my companyOutro Chorus:When the dealin was doneAnd another man wonI was thinkin that it couldn’t be rightI left it all on the table, I thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, that’s the way life goes…sometimes you hit and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.

[hummingbird]

It's definitely scanning better!"I'm thinking that most people will know that I only need one more card to make my hand complete or to finish out the full house."Yes, I know that's what you mean. But this line is not strong because it is a fragmented sentence. Remember, the people listening to the song aren't going to have the lyrics in front of them. Are you willing to leave it to chance? I wouldn't be.I’m all in and it’s sure to be a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m still waiting to seeI feel the last pre-chorus suddenly sounds less 'country' and more 'wordy'. I'd make it more punchy.I stand by my comments that the chorus isn't hooky enough. I guess my feeling is, yes, your current chorus is okay. But it's not kick-ass. It doesn't hit me, hook me. You've got an opportunity that most of us would give our eye-teeth for. Are you really willing to settle for what you have - or can you make it better? If you have to re-write the music to bookend the chorus with your hook and use more gambling terms to bring the chorus to life... I'd do it. I know what Jason Blume would say..... make every part of your song shine, and make the most of your opportunity.cheersHummin'bird

[toncart]

First and foremost Hummingbird, I should wish you a happy Thanksgiving! I'm getting somewhere with this and you have been very helpful. I have a few days, but I will take a closer look at the chorus and hook. It does need to be strong! I need to hit it out of the ballpark. Here is my most recent rewrite. I will next take a look at the chorus sections (and put on my clever thinking hat) and try to come up with something. It's getting better. Thanks Thanks Thanks!!!!“Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces in the pocket and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m all in and it’s sure to be a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m still waiting to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m playing it coolHow bout another shot before I take em all to schoolThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doThey’ll wish they had a folded by the time this hand is throughPre Chorus:I’m all in and it’s sure to be a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m still waiting to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sightI’ll rake it all inI know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em to the sky All my chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, hit me now…Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I bet it all in and thought it was a guaranteeBut to my surprise I was beaten by my companyOutro Chorus:When the dealin was doneAnd another man wonI was thinkin that it couldn’t be rightI left it all on the table, I thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, that’s the way life goes…sometimes you hit and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.I changed take to rake in the chorus. I'm still looking for some stronger words for other parts. The lines in red are the ones that I am working on now. I think they can be better.