HELP! I need my lyrics reviewed fast!

[toncart]

Quote:Hi - wow, this is looking really tight!!!Just one thing... all the lyric before these lines....is in present tense, and I suggest you stay with that...I threw my cards down, and thought it was a guarenteeBut to my wild surprise was the guy sittin next to methe line in italics isn't complete, nor as conversational and in the moment as your other lines.maybe....I thrOW my cards down, and THINKING IT'S a guaranteeTHEN I SEE THE HAND OF the guy sittin next to me...Great work!!Hummin'bird Thanks Hummingbird. I agree with you as well. This is the main reason that I posted on here and needed some extra eyes for this kind of thing. I've looked at these lyrics for hours on end and I have honestly lost some major sleep the last week thinking about this. I will definately make changes in that line before the final vocal track is cut. I think it has come together pretty nicely. I'm really beginning to understand what it takes to be a better lyric writer. I've been blessed to have melodies in my head, but lyrics never came as easy. I think that I have grown quite a bit in the past week. The advice on here is worth the money spent. I may still get frustrated with some of the screeners and may question some things here and there, but there is no doubt that you have been a "mentor" so to speak as well as a few others on here. I just need to be pushed. I've already got ideas for other songs running through my head. I got to get em out! I will keep everyone updated on this project. I have built it up pretty good, so I know that I'm expected to deliver. We are going to try a couple of different things that may break away from the "country norm" a little with this song. Instead of the racious, honkey tonk, country rock guitar solo that you would expect, we are going to try a little surprise with the harmonica and "Jerry Lee Lewis" style piano. There will be your normal guitar licks, but just not what you would expect. Hopefully it comes out well. If not, we will pull them out and lay a rippin guitar solo. Not much room for soloing anyhow. We are trying to keep it under 3 min. I haven't slept in over 24 hours and I'm running on a triple shot latte. My little boy was sick last night and dad (me) stayed up with him. : ( Sorry for the random thoughts. Later. Tony

[toncart]

Is it too confusing that I do most of the song in present tense and then do the last pre-chorus and outro chrous in past tense? That is what I intened to do. The whole last chorus was meant to be in past tense. If I change the tense of the pre chorus line then I have to change the tense of several words in the outro chrous. Basically the 1st 2/3 of the song you feel like you are in the moment and the last 1/3 of the song he's telling how he lost it. Make any sense?

[toncart]

Is this any better Aub? Pre Chorus:I threw my cards down, and thought it was a guarenteeBut I was caught off my guard by the guy sittin next to me

[hummingbird]

Hi - I think it works fine if the pre-chorus continues present tense and then the outtro goes past tense. I recommend that approach.....“Hittin The Nuts Tonight”Written By: Tony CarterPerformend By: M. RobinsonVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and waiting on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m gonna bet the farm, it’s sure to be a guaranteeI know I’m gonna hit it with this hand staring back at meChorus:When the dealin’s all doneI’ll be the lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hittin the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetMy poker face is ready, this is what I’m gonna doI’ll call another round, then I’ll raise it through the roofPre Chorus: I’m gonna bet the town, it’s sure to be a guaranteeI know I’m gonna hit it with this hand staring back at meChorus:When the dealin’s all doneI’ll be the lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hittin the Nuts tonightBridge: I’ve got deuces on my left and kings on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sightAll the chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, show me what you got…Verse III With the last card down, I take a quick peekA little red queen’s givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I thrOW my cards down, THINKING IT'S a guaranteeTHEN I SEE THE HAND OF the guy sittin next to me...Outro Chorus:He had a grin on his faceAs he flashed another aceHis king took my queen by surprise I lost it all playin pokerNow I’m feelin like a jokerCause I didn’t Hit the Nuts tonightI lost it all playin pokerNow I’m feelin like a jokerBut I didn’t Hit the Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.~~~~~~~~~~~~I think you have an excellent lyric now, except for "I thought that I was able" - it's a weak line & it feels like the only reason it's there is the need for a rhyme. I made a suggestion about that.Thanks for sharing your process with all of us. One thing I noticed was how willing you were to listen and consider feedback - IMO that attitude is crucial in being a successful songwriter."The advice on here is worth the money spent"you can buy me a beer at the next Rally ...but otherwise it costs nothing to join this forum and get free advice I think we're all eager to hear this with the music!!!cheersHummin'bird

[aubreyz]

Quote:Is this any better Aub? Pre Chorus:I threw my cards down, and thought it was a guarenteeBut I was caught off my guard by the guy sittin next to meWorks much better, though I think Vickie is on the right track with the tense suggestions.Small thing, but you might want to spell guarantee correctly Aub

[toncart]

"Thanks for sharing your process with all of us. One thing I noticed was how willing you were to listen and consider feedback - IMO that attitude is crucial in being a successful songwriter."It's hard for me to let go and put my ego aside. I had to on this though. It's got to be good and I knew that if I left it without critique I would be satisfied too easily. I needed the best of the best to disect it and shred it if necessary. Thankfully all of you have been gracious as well as patient. If I can satisfy you guys then I have done something! “Hittin The Nuts Tonight”Written by: Tony CarterPerformed by: Mark Robinson Painfully Arranged by: Mark Robinson/Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and waiting on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m gonna bet the farm, sure as a guaranteeI know I’m gonna hit with this hand staring back at meChorus:When the dealin’s all doneI’ll be the lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hittin the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetMy poker face is ready, tell you what I’m gonna doI’ll call another round, then raise it through the roofPre Chorus: I’m gonna bet the town, sure as a guaranteeI know I’m gonna hit with this hand staring back at meChorus:When the dealin’s all doneI’ll be the lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hittin the Nuts tonightBridge: I’ve got deuces on my left and kings on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sightAll the chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, show me what you got…Verse III With the last card down, I take a quick peekA little red queen’s givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I throw my cards down, thinking it’s a guaranteeThen I’m caught off guard by the guy sittin next to meOutro Chorus:He had a grin on his faceAs he flashed another aceHis king took my queen by surprise I lost it all playin pokerNow I’m feelin like a jokerCause I didn’t Hit the Nuts tonightI lost it all playin pokerNow I’m feelin like a jokerCause I didn’t Hit the Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: That’s life…Sometimes you hit it and sometimes you just get hit.

[hummingbird]

Edit:Pre Chorus:I throw my cards down, thinking it’s a guaranteeBut I’m caught off my guard by the guy sittin next to meGo back and read your very first lyric (not posted here now) and then read what you have now.... it's really good!cheersH

[andreh]

Hey Tony-Are you giving input on the music side of things as well? It'd be cool (and likely good for the song) if the group had a chance to share some feedback there too. Andre

[toncart]

I won't be able to have the music reviewed by you guys, although that would have been a cool process. I took the words to my singer and played him the basic rhythm and sang the lines to him. He is on another level as far as singing goes, so I knew that he would be able to do better things melody wise. I give him the lyrics and the rhythm foundation and he takes it from there. I would love to post the progress of the music and open it up for the same treatment as my lyrics but it would be hard to do at this point. I just spoke to my singer and he said that the basic track will be done by Monday hopefully. From there we will decide what kind of flavoring we would like. Basically, on Monday, the rhythm tracks and the drums with scratch vocal will be complete and we will evaluate what to do from there. My singer used to work some with Waylon Jennings and has done a few demo's for George Strait. He knows this style of music better than anybody I can think of. He's a pro.

[toncart]

The drums and the bass line are done for the song. I got to hear it today with the scratch vocal. I was highly impressed with the drums and the stops and the bass was awesome. The scratch vocal wasn't too impressive, but my singer just laughed and said not to worry about it that it would be a lot better when he lays the final track. Harmonica man comes in tomorrow and on Saturday, one of the harmony singers and the piano player is coming in. One of our guitar players is up in the air right now, so we are waiting on that. There is a scratch rhythm right now but it will be deleted. I'm nervous and excited about this. I just want it to be good. No, I wan't it to be great. The whole thing could be done by Monday. If so, I will try and get you guys a peek as soon as I can.