Broken Promises (Review ReWrite Please)

[relay]

Broken Promises © Ricky Lay 01/03/06(A) I looked upon your faceMy (A7) breath seemed to fade(F#7) You gazed deep into my eyesTogether (G7) forever, our promise(Dm) made(A) Two young loversUnder (A7) stars so brightBut (F#7) we failed to live up to the promise (G7) we made that (Dm) night(pause)VCHORUSv (A) We made promises to each (A7) otherNot (F#7) really knowing what they (G7/Dm) mean(A) No experiences in (A7) our young livesTo (F#7) tell us just how hard it (G7/Dm) would be(A) And now that it’s all (A7) overAfter the (F#7) years of life taking their (G7/Dm) toll(A) We both understand……….(Dm) Broken (A) Promises(A) Whatever happened to usI (A7) really don’t know(F#7) Maybe to many stormy nights Cause (G7) everything turned so (Dm) cold(A) We tried to recaptureThe (A7) promises we madeBut (F#7) after just a little whileWe (G7) both just (Dm) backed away(pause)VCHORUSvX2 © Ricky Lay 01/03/06

[hummingbird]

Hey Ricky...reads good til I get to this line:"And made (G7) everything (Dm) O.K." - there is nothing in the lyric before that to show me how things were NOT okay... so I don't connect to this lineI suggest you could replace "How the (G7) time slips (Dm) away", which is cliche, to tell us how lonely you are or whatever, so that the conclusion of making things okay makes sense to us.Why does the Point of View change from "I looked upon" - first person - to "They"? - third person?the idea embodied in your 3rd vs is totally inaccessible to me - I also think 3 verses before the chorus is too much.But (F#7) they failed in comparison - this is grammatically incorrect. "they" can fail, but they can't "fail in comparison". This usually relates to ideas. It's also a cliche.To what (G7) happened that (Dm) night - what happend that night? Chorus - now the POV is "We"?okay, the chorus starts fine, but suddenly gives new information, that it's all over... you've taken me from lying in bed in April to being over - and I have no idea why. The chorus should crystalize the main point of the song, not introduce new ideas.the 4th and 5th verses repeat that it's over and we tried to get back together, but I don't know why you broke up or what promises were broken.(A) It was late April - past tenseOr maybe (A7) early May(F#7) I look at my life - present tenseEverything’s(Dm) Not O.K.I'm not saying all this to discourage you, I'm trying to show you how I, as a reader, respond to what you have written. You & I are travelling together, you have a road map in your song... but you won't show it to me, and you keep jumping to new places without showing me the connections. The scenery is nice, but I end up confused, how did I get here?I encourage you to try writing this in third person to distance you, the writer, from the "I" in the song. I think there's a good song in here, it just needs to be exposed warmlyHummin'bird

[relay]

Thank you Hummin'bird ! Your advice is much appreciated! We who have just recently realized, that we have a passion to write a song(s) need guidance and direction to help us to learn the craft of it! Once again thank you!

[hummingbird]

hey, you're welcome. Let me know when you have a re-write,cheersH

[hummingbird]

Hey Ricky, how're you doing. Thanks for posting your re-write, and for asking me to look at it again. (A) I looked upon your faceMy (A7) breath *seemed* to fade"seemed" is okay, but it's kinda passive language. By using it you lose an opportunity to speak in more active, visual language. Think about stating things more firmly. "I seemed to write this sentence" isn't as strong as "I wrote a sentence." ....paint, ink or light can fade, but breath can't, since it's invisible....(F#7) You gazed deep into my eyesTogether (G7) forever, our promise(Dm) madeokay, you've got some visual imagery here - but what does it really say - you looked at me, I looked at you, and we promised. It doesn't say - who "you" is. Doesn't say how "I" feel at this moment, why this moment means so much to me - why the promise is so significant.(A) Whatever happened to usI (A7) really don’t know - sorry, this doesn't say anything, of course you know, even if you are confused, you can talk about that, but saying 'I don't know' is kinda a copout, and it reads to us like you're saying that you don't care that much anyway. (F#7) Maybe too many stormy nights - caused by? Cause (G7) everything turned so (Dm) cold - why?When I get to the chorus I still don't know - how were the promises broken? What did you do, what did she do... How about if we (imperial 'we' LOL) changed vs 1 to present tense:I look upon your face, my breath fades, you gaze at me, (now we are ) together forever, our promise (to each other) is made.so now, my writer's mind is jamming on that idea - I'm not meaning to write your song for you, but I want to show you how I think 'visually'...once your eyes sparkled through an ivory veilyour lips shy as you spoke your vowsyour hand trembled as you wiped away my tearsand promised you'd stand by mefor all the years we'd liveagain, this is just me brainstorming... setting up the scene, establishing the relationship, showing the feelings. I wrote this example so you can see what I'm trying to get at with my critique of your lyric.John Braheny once gave me a good suggestion - he said, when writing, go backwards. in other words - "I looked upon your face" - where are you? how did you get there? What happened before that - was there a proposal? Why did you propose? What did you say? Why did you feel she was the one? Go back further - how did you meet her? What was it about her that caught your eye? What made her stand out from the crowd? What does she look like - hair, eyes - where does she work, what kind of a person is she? You may not include all this in the lyric, but this history helps you create the receipe for the song.I know you already have some music for this, but I'd encourage you to rewrite the lyric without worrying about whether it fits the music. You can adjust the music or write new music for the final lyric.I hope these comments make sense. I still feel that there's a good story here, I'm challenging you to find the words to make it accessible and compelling.warmlyHummin'bird