Need an Honest Opinion!

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thewordman
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Need an Honest Opinion!

Post by thewordman » Wed Aug 25, 2004 3:15 pm

Please let me know what you think of the make up of these Lyrics. I am new to song writing so please be gentle. Thanks!"Back When It was Just You and Me"We can’t always be thereThey’ve got to learn to stand aloneThey’ve gotta find their wayAnd make it on their ownSomehow we’ve got to learnTo let goNo more homeworkNo more ballgamesThey’ve grown up now My how times have changedIt’s time for them to flyWe gave them wingsIt’s time we got back To the way it used to beWhen our love was young and freeAnd life was a mysteryBack when it was just you and meThat’s the way it’s always beenThat’s the way it’s got to beWe can’t interfere with their destinyThey’ve got to make their ownHistoryThey’ve got to makeTheir own mistakes and hurtThey won’t forget What they have learnedWe’ve showed them how to playNow it’s their turn We’ve done the best we can and now it’s up to themIt’s come back to us now our lives begin againIt’s time we got back To the way it used to beWhen our love was young and freeAnd life was a mysteryBack when it was just you and me From here on out it’s just you and me

bitwhys
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Re: Need an Honest Opinion!

Post by bitwhys » Thu Aug 26, 2004 5:35 am

"It’s time for them to flyWe gave them wings"very sentimental. i sense a nice ballad in this. one niggly you're welcome to use if you like. the two lines I've quoted kind of stand out because they're more metaphorical than the rest of the piece. they're nice but kind of used a lot already in plenty of other songs and kind of seem awkward for an otherwise very nice prosaic lyric.might I suggest..."It's time to let them gowe've shown them how"??nice work. keep the faith,b
"Its a curious thing that God learned Greek when he wished to turn author - and that he did not learn it better" - Nietzsche

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ciskokidd
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Re: Need an Honest Opinion!

Post by ciskokidd » Thu Aug 26, 2004 9:04 am

I think the concept is excellent. The chorus is strong lyrically. That is your message.My recommendations are to rewrite the verses.You should aim to be desciptive and specific in your verses. The chorus lends itself well to giving you the ability to expand in the second verse.The question you need to ask is:Am I saying the same thing or continuing the same thought. Without writing actual lyrics I'll give you an example:Verse one could begin with a line describing a scene of parents saying goodbye to their kid as he/she goes off to college. You can then describe the emotions that they are going through. A good example of what I am talking about is your use of the homework and ballgames lines. These are strong desciptive lines (possibly your opening lines?).Your structure has given you plenty of time to accomplish a good deal.Chorus works wellThe second verse is always the place where most songwriters fail (myself and many other pros included). This is where you have to dig deep and find a new and fresh place to go. The possibilities here are immense once you have a strong first verse and chorus.My example might take the parents back to the times that they shared before the kids came. Give descriptions that convey this with emotional impact. Remember to give yourself the ability to come back into the chorus so that it makes sense and is powerful.You are off to a good start. You must keep in mind the golden rule of songwriting:Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.The best of luck with this.

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Re: Need an Honest Opinion!

Post by bitwhys » Fri Aug 27, 2004 2:53 am

Quote:My example might take the parents back to the times that they shared before the kids came.I agree and an excellent idea! bravo!
"Its a curious thing that God learned Greek when he wished to turn author - and that he did not learn it better" - Nietzsche

thewordman
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Re: Need an Honest Opinion!

Post by thewordman » Sat Aug 28, 2004 7:11 am

Thanks for the input. I appreciate the advice.

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Re: Need an Honest Opinion!

Post by highwaystar » Sun Aug 29, 2004 11:26 pm

The chorus would also fit a song about how the original romance and love felt at the start of a relationship, sometimes get forgotten due to the pressures of marrage, work, living in the modern world, raising kids etc... Every romance starts at a simple basic you and me level and gets more complicted as life goes on.

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