Newbie... Feedback please... If you have a minute...

[hayzel70]

I'm a brand new official member of Taxi, though I've been checking out the website for a while... I posted something last week re: the first professional demos I sent out/received back & whether or not they 'cut it'.

The more I listen to them the more they grow on me... BUT...

My concern is that, for the most part, they're not how I intended them to sound. In particular is "Finally Movin' On". It sounds a bit jumbled, starting near the end of the second verse. I meant for the lyrics to flow together, but that's not how they turned out. Was the song improved? Please let me know what you think.... I am a newbie, after all! What do I know?

I have only 5 songs up right now, and would appreciate any feedback you can give on any aspect of any of them... More to come soon, hopefully...

I don't want to tie up the board, so I'll leave my link and the lyrics to one of the songs.

http://www.taxi.com/hayzel70


I truly appreciate honesty... AND I don't expect anyone to listen to ALL of them!

Thanks!

Brenda


Finally Movin’ On

by Brenda Friederick


(1st Verse)

In desperate pain, he watched his only son spiral
Been reaching out to him in vain for the last three years
His guilt and his shame about the son he couldn’t save was undeniable
Remembering the boy he used to be brought a lot of hard tears

That boy’s changes raised questions that came with a lot of hard tears


(Chorus)

What is the number that equals too many times?
When is enough, enough? Where is the line?
Where is the line?


(2nd Verse)

All that remained was the shell of a stranger who wouldn’t let him in
He just wanted his son back, but that boy's arms bore tracks of the lost
Betrayal and lies replaced the peace in their lives, grief nearly killed that man
Some wondered when he’d discover love doesn’t require that high a cost


(3rd Verse)

When that day finally came he packed his memories away and said “Son, I love you!
The door will be open for you when you’re ready to live
But watching you killing yourself is killing me, too
Never thought I’d turn my back on you but I’ve given all I can give!”


(Chorus)

What is the number that equals too many times?
When is enough, enough?
Where is the line?
When comes the moment you are defined
As either weak or strong, right or wrong
For letting go and finally movin’ on?

[lowden2000]

Hey Brenda,

Welcome!
Thanks for sharing your track. Really enjoyed listening!
I'll hold off on commenting on the lyrics as I am mostly an instrumental track kinda guy, but I'd say the guy you got singing the demo is delivering them well. I like the story too. I like "What is the number that equals too many times", stuck with me, in a good way!
My constructive feedback is aimed at the arrangement / overall instrumental presentation of the track - maybe you can use it to tweak the band performance of the track:

- The band is way back compared to the vocals, in my humble opinion
- The organ sound / riff takes a up a lot of space in the mix, and to my ears, is a bit fake sounding, or maybe just recorded in a strange way
- The electric guitar picking has a bit of 80s chorus vibe, to my ears dated
- Drums are back in the mix and a bit inconsistent in their performance

I like the pedal steel and a lot and think it could shine more especially if the organ is "tamed" a bit.

Just my $0.02. I think that with a tweaked instrumental presentation, you'll have great stuff in the running!


Cheers,
Dirk

[lowden2000]

ps It's really mostly the verses where the points above apply ...
Also, second time around the drums level sounded better to me ....
Haven't had enough coffee yet.

[hayzel70]

Hey Dirk!

Thank you so much for the specific feedback! That's exactly what I was looking to get from others...

I have soooo much to learn, particularly from the production side of things. This learning curve can be paaiinnffuull!!!

Thanks again,

Brenda

[feaker66]

Yup. the guitar is almost a little Jimmy B, Chorus guitar is fun because of all that sustain. I like it, but it is like me, old fashioned.

Singer is slightly out front but has a very nicevoice. (almost puts me to sleep)

I am not a country person.

The production is pretty good also.

It is only lacking the wow factor.

Sincerely

Paul

[DorothyWallace]

Welcome Brenda,

I enjoyed listening to your songs. It's hard for me to critique if I can't read the lyrics so I'll just give my feedback on "Finally Movin On" This is a beautiful song. I know a few people who have lost children to suicide or drugs.

If you’re looking to pitch this to artists, you probably need more of a hook to the chorus - like repeating “Finally Movin On”. You probably could make the pre-chorus stronger by changing the melody a little more from the verses.

Good Luck.

Dorothy

[ottlukk]

Brenda:
The demo firm did a fine job. I liked the tune, the singer was great, and you havea knack for lyrics!
Welcome to the forums.
Ott

[hayzel70]

Thanks Everbody!

Soooo much experience and insight on here. I don't know what took me so long!

Paul -- The 'wow' factor is something I thought about after I listened to it a few times. On my ROUGH version (AND in my head!) the second half of the second verse AND the entire third verse have more drive and passion. They build up until the father has finally had enough. So, I think that's one thing I'm missing from this demo. I agree. It feels like the song gets a little lost.

Dorothy -- I have wrestled w/ the chorus & prechorus for a while. The song length has always been an issue for me, so I cut down the chorus. It will always be a work in progress (like me!) I agree that the chorus could use more punch. I just need to find somewhere else to cut back. Thanks for the positive feedback and guidance!

Ott -- Soooo complimentary! Thank you! You made me smile

Thanks Everyone,

Brenda

[1.7]

Something great is happening in Last Goodbye - a terrific hook that needs to be exploited. Do you write the lyrics and music, and do you arrange/produce the recordings?

[hayzel70]

Something great is happening in Last Goodbye - a terrific hook that needs to be exploited. Do you write the lyrics and music, and do you arrange/produce the recordings?

Hi,

Thanks for taking time to listen! We newbies need experienced ears to help us out!

I write 100% of my lyrics, and I can record a VERY ROUGH demo on my PC in order to get across the arrangement I'm looking for on each song. However, I don't have the know how or equipment for TRUE production. These songs were recorded by a professional demo company after I sent them my rough demos.

I appreciate the comment about something great happening in the hook. Thanks!