THREAD CLOSED. Thanks guys.

[remoteoutofcontrol]

This is the listing Im trying to submit to:

NEW LISTING -- CURRENT SOUNDING POP/DANCE SONGS a la the full range of Lady GaGa, Black Eyed Peas, etc. needed by very well known, industry-connected Rock bass player, who is now managing and producing up-and-coming artists. He is looking for "hit songs" with big hook-driven choruses that will do well on contemporary radio. Please submit one to three songs online or per CD, along with lyrics. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI and must be received no later than Tuesday, May 11, 2010.
TAXI # S100511PD

[deantaylor]

Hey Ken,

I can't listen right now, but I had a few comments on possible lyric improvements. Since you want current pop/dance and the fact that the guy is going to a party with his friends, I'm guessing your singer and the target audience is age 15-29 or so.

1. One by one they started calling out my name from the driveway ... doesn't seem like phrasing that someone that age would use, especially the 'one by one' part and 'calling' .. something more like 'all my boys started yelling out ...'

2. Why 'weak-ass' beats .. since it is a special night, why not make it something good about the music ... seems out of place and serving no purpose like this

3. brunette??? ... do kids use this word today? ... i doubt it

I suggest reading some song lyrics in this genre and get immersed in their 'language' .. then you'll start talking in your head like that and some better phrasing will come to you.

Dean

[remoteoutofcontrol]

Thanks dean I also thought the lyrics were not good enough but didn't know what to do to improve them. Thanks a lot, you made my day. I'll start working on it right now.

God bless, Ken.

[deantaylor]

Hey Ken,

Glad to help.

I finally took a listen to your track. I don't listen much to this genre, so I can't really help you with the musical side. But just from a naive listener pov, I like what you've got going on with it.

Dean

[Kolstad]

Hey man, I really like this track. I think it sounds really current, and it's very catchy. Great start! I think you have most of the form and the tracks down already. Your autotuned vocal actually sound allright here!

I think your ideas for building the track is good, but you can still work with creating contrast in the music IMO. Maybe put on a different Vi once in a while, to keep the listener interested with something fresh from section to section. Also use some effects (cymbal swells, stingers, big booms, short synthy stuff ect.) in the transitions between the sections, to help the listener navigate in there. Maybe I missed a breakdown of some kind with some cool stuff going on too..

I think your lyric idea is sound, but one idea to take it further could be to work backwards from the chorus lyrics. If time is going to 'stand still' in the chorus, I don't think it works to have him doing nothing but sleep on a friday evening, because then it seems tim is already standing still! So maybe you could work with contrast here too, making him busy with something in the verses?

I agree with Dean about the v3, it's way too negative in a feel good dance track. Maybe you could write a cool rap and have a breakdown here, instead of a third verse, also to create contrast?

It's like Robin Fredrick says, contrast works every time I think you're close to something really cool here!

[remoteoutofcontrol]

Thanks Dean and Magne This is my first try at a Lady Gaga kind of beat. My lyrics do suck so I made changes according to Dean's advice, I hope you guys can check the song again when you have time. I made a little bridge kind of thing after the 2nd chorus or pre-chorus. Magne, I like what u said about a rap/breakdown in stead of a 3rd verse. But unfortunately if I do that to this song its gonna sound like I stole one-too-many ideas from Lady Gaga's "Telephone." But maybe I can replace the bridge with a rap of some sort . Oh, and I will add some of those effects too that you mentioned later on. Thanks so much for those ideas man!

Dean, I thank u again for the advice on the lyrics. I hope the changes I made improved the song a little?

God bless u guys!

Ken.

[deantaylor]

Hey Ken,

Yeah, this lyric is better, imo.

Dean

[remoteoutofcontrol]

Im glad you think its ok now. There's still a lot of things to fix yet and the dead line is less than 11 days away. I hope I make it on time.

Thanks again for your help Dean, Im greatful.

Ken.

[ottlukk]

Ken:
Given my record for forwards, take the folloing comments with a grain of salt. I loved this! Good lyrics, nicely mixed, and I could immediately hear it on the radio, top ten at least. Great job!
Ott

[2lane]

Hey Ken, I'm with Magne on the autotune, it works real well this time. Sounds very current and groove laden. Dean helped
you with the lyrics, so that's cool. Maybe some harmonies on the second voice in the chorus, not the one that goes high, but the background voice...just a thought
Best of luck when you submit it
Cheers
Steve