PoP Song - Give Me Some Tough Love Please!

[nylyrics]

Hi Everyone:

Ken and I would love for anyone who cares to listen to point out what works or does not work with our new
song in the works: "Will you still be there" Note the vocal is male but intended for younger female singer.
Any thoughts at all that come to mind are appreciated. Lyric/Melody/story etc at this point - it is just a work tape.

Here is the link to the song http://www.taxi.com/andymackay

Will you still be there?
Ken Fukuda/Andy Mackay ©2010

one day im your little girl
walkin round in your big brown shoes
i could always ammuse you so easily
suddendly im 17
thunderstorms in between us
And all we do is disagree
do you remember
how id climb that old willow too high
you'd help me down
say its ok to cry someday i would touch the sky...

But what if I fell in love to soon
Or what if I fail out of school
Will you still be there to hold me if I fall
And what if all your plans for me
Are dreams you will never see
Will you still be there to listen when I call
Will you still be there for me?

I need you to be my friend again
I get butterflies when we fight like this
you don’t talk when you get mad at me
I’m beautiful that’s what you’d say
And you made me feel that way
Even when it wasn’t true
And now I wonder
Can I ever do anything right?
Will I ever fly
And feel strong enough so I can really touch the sky

And what if I fell in love to soon
Or what if I fail out of school
Will you still be there to hold me when I fall
And what if all your plans for me
Are dreams you will never see
Will you still be there to listen when I call
Will you still be there for me?
Will you still be there for me?

Bridge

I want to reach for the stars
first I need the love right hear in your heart
I wanna run in the sunshine
Feel like the world is mine
And make mistakes

[fret17]

Hi Andy....I thought there was a contemporary feel to it in the pattern of verse and I could hear the relationship between the dad and daughter in the lyrics...but if you want some tough love on this one...I'd have to say that it was kinda boring...there wasn't anything I heard that reached out and grabbed me...it seemed like a one chord song that melodically seemed busy and flatlined throughout....this is not to say I couldn't imagine this piece in the right setting or movie scene because I could...but I would also be imagining more interesting things being said with an attitude with more punch , more highs in the melody placed just right...accents and musical drama to match....I know it's a work tape Andy and I guess I'm hearing things you may have in mind and just aren't there yet...but with more work and polish I think it can be a very powerful statement in today's market...the industry expects "WOW!'...make it killer..it's got potencial...

[nylyrics]

Thanks man. Appreciate the honest take on it!

Andy

[eeoo]

Hi Andy - This is not at all in my wheelhouse so grain of salt and all that...

I liked the verses and chorus lyrics for the most part. I thought "butterflies" was a weird thing to feel when you're in fight or disagreement. Maybe something a little edgier like "knots", know what I mean?

The broken up phrasing of "us" in the first verse stood out as a bit odd to me but maybe with a young female vocalist it will come off as cute, precocious.

I didn't care for the bridge lyric, just too cliche, it stood out to me.

I think the phrasing of the lyric is the strong part of the song. I hear the vibe of the lyric as being more country than straight up pop.

Potential is there for sure! Good luck!

eo

[nylyrics]

eo:

Do not underestimate my appreciation for the time you took out to review our song and the thoughtful feedback you provided.
It is clear you are a pro and i take your thoughts with much more than a grain of salt regardless what changes we make. In fact a grain of salt, as you know - can make a big differance in songwriting.

You going to the road rally?

Andy

[eeoo]

My pleasure Andy! I have been planning on going to the rally for a while now but am having second thoughts due to financial constraints, we'll see...

eo

[ChristopherSwain]

melodically I probably would have wanted more impact going into the chorus, I don't think the singers tone changes from the verse to the chorus.

be good if I heard the chorus and that a made the song take off.

At the moment the only hook for me is the end of the chrous

maybe a lady could add more range

[nylyrics]

Chris:

Thanks for taking the time and for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I listened to some of your work. Some great stuff.
You have some range brother.

Andy

[ChristopherSwain]

no problem

actually I was thinking because you singing the track so low in your range (as I imagine your setting it up for female vocals) and the instrumental doesn't really alter at all, then its hard to really know how it will sound with a great instrumental and vocals.


I get comments on unfinished projects, that I don't think really are totally correct based on the fact its an unfinished project and people can;t really understand my goal.

although thats catch 22.

but I'm sure you know that you girlie vocalist and instrumental will have to cvhange it up

p.s. this song is about her father?

P.P.S thanks for the compliments

[nylyrics]

Thanks Chris, yes song is 17 year old girl - dealing with her relationship with her father. I really want to make sure that is clear.
Although i dont know how wide the market is for such a subject. Who's gonna wanta sing it? Could it be on the radio - i mean even if we craft it into a great track.

Andy