A Tattoo of You

[simonsays]

I tried to keep this as universal as I could. I think a female or male vocal would work equally well here ... But does it come across like the singer's love is definitely dead? Or maybe just a lost love?

Album: More Than Skin
Song: A Tattoo of You
Copyright 2011 Steve Simon

(1st Verse)

1 Babe, I bet you never knew
2 that, I have a tattoo of you
3 it's not on my skin
4 you have to look within
5 It's plain to see -- only if you're me
6 I guess, it all depends -- on your point of view

(Chorus)

1 a tattoo of you
2 a tattoo of you
3 Babe, every time I go to sleep
4 I see you smiling back at me
5 I stare into your loving face
6 It's right there as bright as day
7 Oh God! ... why'd you have to leave
8 and go ... so very far away from me!

(2nd Verse)

1 Babe, every time I stop to think
2 my blood burns in like ink
3 a tattoo of you -- shines inside my mind
4 I'm sorry ... sometimes I wish that I was blind
5 because, it causes me so much pain
6 this tattoo of you -- inside my brain

(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge)

1 This tattoo of you
2 It took time to make it
3 I think ... only time might erase it
4 but only if I choose
5 choose not to picture you

(Repeat chorus)

[mikeShort]

This song is definitely universal. I have trouble writing songs about relationships that are neutral, so I'm impressed. I'm still going to call the singer "he" and the lost one "she" 'cuz, like, I'm a guy, and trying not to do that makes the message virtually unwritable!

I don't think it's obvious she is dead; gone, sure, but she could have walked away.

The tattoo metaphor is great. It really works, and with so many in that weird generation behind us convinced that tats will look great when they're my age ... anyway, I think it will definitely connect with people.

I like the last two lines of the first verse, but not together. I think the last line is stronger, but undermined by the "I'm the only one who can see it." I like the idea that she COULD see it if she only looked. Line 5 says she couldn't no matter what. I would go a different direction there to strengthen this idea, because I think it makes the singer more sympathetic.

Second verse: tattoos don't shine. I know it's a metaphoric tattoo, but I think another verb will work better by not taking you away from the attributes tattoos have: artistic, permanent, and often a testament to commitment. I'd would try not to stray too far from that.

But I'm picking nits. This is good. I think it has a chance to be great.

[simonsays]

This song is definitely universal. I have trouble writing songs about relationships that are neutral, so I'm impressed. I'm still going to call the singer "he" and the lost one "she" 'cuz, like, I'm a guy, and trying not to do that makes the message virtually unwritable!

I don't think it's obvious she is dead; gone, sure, but she could have walked away.

The tattoo metaphor is great. It really works, and with so many in that weird generation behind us convinced that tats will look great when they're my age ... anyway, I think it will definitely connect with people.

I like the last two lines of the first verse, but not together. I think the last line is stronger, but undermined by the "I'm the only one who can see it." I like the idea that she COULD see it if she only looked. Line 5 says she couldn't no matter what. I would go a different direction there to strengthen this idea, because I think it makes the singer more sympathetic.

Second verse: tattoos don't shine. I know it's a metaphoric tattoo, but I think another verb will work better by not taking you away from the attributes tattoos have: artistic, permanent, and often a testament to commitment. I'd would try not to stray too far from that.

But I'm picking nits. This is good. I think it has a chance to be great.

Mike,

I'm glad you liked this one. I think it could appeal to a much larger audience then "Touch Me with a Kiss".... after all, lost love is something a lot of people can identify with.

Mike, I don't see how I could make the tattooed image visible to others in the song ... and I wouldn't want to -- that's what I think personalizes this. People having these painful images in their mind, that no-one else can share.

Mike, my metaphoric tattoos do shine, because they're uh ... metaphorical. ( I guess I'm going to have to claim poetic license here)

If you're familiar with ' persistence of vision' in the human visual system ... It's like there's a projector inside one's head shining an image onto the back of the eyes (if only for a fraction of a second). I imagined what it would be like to have that in our heads -- working something like the early plasma screens, where static images left on -- burned in.

Mike, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, and give me some detailed feedback. A simple, I liked or didn't like something is nice, but feedback like yours can be much more useful. Thanks!

Steve

[mikeShort]

I'm going to push a little on the last two lines of the verse.

Mike, I don't see how I could make the tattooed image visible to others in the song ... and I wouldn't want to -- that's what I think personalizes this. People having these painful images in their mind, that no-one else can share.

But your last line ...

I guess, it all depends -- on your point of view

... suggests that the tattoo COULD be seen, if people knew where to look. The metaphoric tattoo of course. So it feels like it's contradicting the fifth line, which says only the singer can see it. And since I like the idea that the tat is hard to see, but if you would have looked, you could have seen it ... then I would advocate changing that fifth line to support this idea.

The shining ... I understand what you're getting at. That works okay. Now, combine these two ideas. In the singer's eyes, the tattoo shines. It should be bright enough to detect from outside, but "she" missed it, because she wasn't looking hard enough. I think adding the idea of missed opportunity to the idea of lost love adds poignancy.

For what it's worth ...

[simonsays]

I'm going to push a little on the last two lines of the verse.

Mike, I don't see how I could make the tattooed image visible to others in the song ... and I wouldn't want to -- that's what I think personalizes this. People having these painful images in their mind, that no-one else can share.

But your last line ...

I guess, it all depends -- on your point of view

... suggests that the tattoo COULD be seen, if people knew where to look. The metaphoric tattoo of course. So it feels like it's contradicting the fifth line, which says only the singer can see it. And since I like the idea that the tat is hard to see, but if you would have looked, you could have seen it ... then I would advocate changing that fifth line to support this idea.

The shining ... I understand what you're getting at. That works okay. Now, combine these two ideas. In the singer's eyes, the tattoo shines. It should be bright enough to detect from outside, but "she" missed it, because she wasn't looking hard enough. I think adding the idea of missed opportunity to the idea of lost love adds poignancy.

For what it's worth ...

Hi again Mike,
You can push ... but I won't budge! Sorry, I thought that I was clear in my last post what my intent was for this song.

Mike, I agree that I pretty much stated that "only the singer can see the tattoo" in line 5 ... I also agree that "suggesting that the tattoo COULD be seen ..." would be a contradiction of that line, if I said that in line 6. But your " if people knew where to look" is not the only (nor the likeliest IMO) interpretation for that line. The intended interpretation was "if you could see it from my viewpoint ". (which is why line 5 ... precedes line 6). I'm sorry if I lost you, or anyone else, there momentarily, but I did provide additional clues in later lines which I hoped would clarify any misunderstandings. (including, out right saying, "... this tattoo in my brain") My colloquial use of your with point of view in retrospect might be the source of your confusion. If I see more people arriving at your interpretation, then I would consider replacing my your with something like the. Of course, that's only going to happen if I get more people responding, and not just lurking in the shadows! (Yeah .... you ... behind that screen... i'm talkin' to you! )

Mike, having an image in the singer's brain be visible to others, is an interesting topic/idea ... but I think it's outside the scope of this song. ( I'm afraid it might muddy up my concept, where I would like to stay on point. That, and I found this exposition difficult enough as it is. ) I do appreciate the suggestion though. It's sparked some other possible songs for me. Like, "If You Could Read My Mind" or " If You Could see inside My Mind".

Mike, thank you again for responding to this and my other post. Pushing is not a bad thing at all, in my point of view ... as long as one realizes people and things won't always roll the way you want them to.

Sincerely, Steve

[mikeShort]

It's your song, of course, and I get what you're saying.

I'm wondering where all the people on this forum went. It's been WAY TOO quiet. I like to drop lyrics here first, rather than cutting demos and going to peer-to-peer. I don't like re-cutting demos for one thing, so I'd like to get the kinks out of the lyrics first.

But there is no action here. It's really a shame; it can be so helpful.