Our Dance in the Sun - appreciate critique

[nylyrics]

Hello: Well somehow i never made into this room before but have been in peer to peer over the last few years on and off.
Below is a true story - do you get it? Do you buy it? Do you think a major male vocalist would sing these words (most likely will end up country crossover type ballad) - i have my melody done - just trying to decide if it moves anyone as a lyric. I've seen some really great lyric critiques in here that seem honest and very hepful. If you have a few moments and care to comment - thank you in advance for your valuable time.

Andy

Our Dance in the Sun
(c)2012 Andy Mackay

You don’t have to say, sorry
I know you knew my hurt would end
The past is gone we’ve both moved on
Its good to see you smile, you look happy again

When I look back on the the man I was then
That was a hard way for anyone to live
But when you look beyond the rough spots
Honey ,you have to, admit

We had our moments
our dance in the sun
Sweet steps on the road to who we’ve become
We had our moments
We could light up the night
When I didn’t get it wrong
We sure got it right
We had our moments

Isn't it just like you to feel guilty
when it’s me who should shoulder the blame
You trusted your heart, you broke us apart
And Its time that I say thank you for bein so brave

Took me a long time to see I was hiding
And to know losing you was somehow a gift
And when I finally kissed my demons goodbye
It was only you, I really, missed….

We had our moments
our dance in the sun
Sweet steps on the road to who we’ve become
We had our moments
We could light up the night
When I didn’t get it wrong
We sure got it right
We had our moments

Bridge (kind of temporary workin on it)
Do you think we still belong together?
Do you love your family and your life?
Does anything really last forever?
Aren’t we all stars passing in the night?


We had our moments
our dance in the sun
Sweet steps on the road to who we’ve become
We had our moments
We could light up the night
When I didn’t get it wrong
We sure got it right
We had our moments

[simonsays]

Hi Andy,
I've got plenty of free time today. I'll give it a shot. BTW, any editing I do here ... is just how I hear it. It's not intended as "you must change this to this!"

Steve (aka, SimonSays)

Hello: Well somehow i never made into this room before but have been in peer to peer over the last few years on and off.
Below is a true story - do you get it? Do you buy it? Do you think a major male vocalist would sing these words (most likely will end up country crossover type ballad) - i have my melody done - just trying to decide if it moves anyone as a lyric. I've seen some really great lyric critiques in here that seem honest and very hepful. If you have a few moments and care to comment - thank you in advance for your valuable time.

Andy

Our Dance in the Sun
(c)2012 Andy Mackay

I like the title. While it's not my favorite title ever ... It gives some indication to what the song is about, and is memorable. (for me at least)

You don’t have to say, (you're) sorry
I know you knew my hurt would end
The past is gone we’ve both moved on
Its good to see you (smiling) again

I added (you're) for it's alliteration. And because I kept adding it in in my head each time I reread that first line.
(smile, you look happy) sounded like too may words/syllables to me.

When I look back on the the man I was then
That was a hard way for anyone to live
But when you look beyond the rough spots
Honey ,you have to, admit

I liked most of the first verse ... and how smoothly you slid into the chorus with that last line.

I also liked the looking back and then looking forward handling here.

We had our moments
our dance in the sun
Sweet steps on the road to who we’ve become
We had our moments
We could light up the night
When I didn’t get it wrong
We sure got it right
We had our moments

I Liked the (I) for (we) switch out in the "When (I) didn't get it wrong" line.
You might want to consider adding another "Our dance in the sun" line to the end of each chorus. (IMO, hammering home the title is never a bad idea.)

Isn't it just like you to feel guilty
when it’s me who should shoulder the blame
You trusted your heart, you broke us apart
And Its time that I say thank you for bein so brave

Took me a long time to see I was hiding
And to know losing you was somehow a gift
And when I finally kissed my demons goodbye
It was only you, (only you ... I) missed….

I Loved this second verse ... especially the " ... kissed my demons goodbye part"!
(I really,) didn't seem to add much though... so I added another (only you).

We had our moments
our dance in the sun
Sweet steps on the road to who we’ve become
We had our moments
We could light up the night
When I didn’t get it wrong
We sure got it right
We had our moments

"Sweet steps on the road to who we've become" was SWEET! I also like how you skipped past the over used SUN-FUN rhyme.

Bridge (kind of temporary workin on it)
Do you think we still belong together?
Do you love your family and your life?
Does anything really last forever?
Aren’t we all stars passing in the night?

This bridge doesn't do it for me ... for several reasons;
1.) I think It makes the singer look unsympathetic (what singer wants to sound like a wife stealer? ... and her with kids to boot!)
2.) "Does anything really last forever?" (sounds a bit cliche to me.)
3.) " ... stars passing in the night?" (stars appear nearly stationary in the background of space ... well, except for our star "the sun", of course. )


We had our moments
our dance in the sun
Sweet steps on the road to who we’ve become
We had our moments
We could light up the night
When I didn’t get it wrong
We sure got it right
We had our moments

Did I buy it? I'd have to say yes, with the exception of the couple of small edits I added ... and the bridge, of course.
Do I think a major male vocalist would sing these words? With a different bridge ... yeah, sure!
Would it be a hit? That I don't know. But I do think it is a good write lyric wise.

If you find some free time please check out my songs. I have three here that do not have any feedback as of yet. ("Our Bodies Talk", BE-Bi-Bo-Bum", and "MY Own Sweet Home")
No news ... isn't always ... good news!

Sincerely, Steve (aka, SimonSays)

[Jarrean]

I really enjoyed some lines in this: "You don't have to say, sorry/I knew you knew my hurt would end" and "Isn't it just like you to feel guilty/when it's me who should shoulder the blame." I would rework the bridge, it just didn't flow with the rest of the piece. Additionally, I'd think about changing the title to 'We Had Our Moments'--much more memorable and to keep in line with the repetition found in the chorus.

[mikeShort]

Andy-
Steve caught most of the stuff I would comment on. I totally agree with him about getting "Our Dance in the Sun" in a prominent place in the chorus. Right now, if I just listened to the song on the radio, I would think it's called We Had Our Moments which is not as good a title. But I don't think there is any reason not to simply replace the final "we had our moments" with the title, so that's a pretty easy fix.

I'd look for something other than "shoulder the blame." Much a cliche. I'd suggest "carry the blame" as an alternative. I don't feel too strongly about that, but thought I'd mention it.

What struck me about the bridge was that it contradicted the song. The song is about "we've moved on, and I look back and wish it had been different but here we are," and the bridge wants to be about going back. Until then, it was more "it would have been different if it started now, but that's the way it goes" than "Do you think we should give it another shot?" Steve's comments about making the singer a "bad guy" just underline the problem. At this point, you're better off without the bridge at all. The verses are long and you may not need it. At the Road Rally last year, one of the presenters said "Never ask questions." I don't follow that as a commandment, but it's a good place to start. And in the Bridge ... well, we've beaten you up pretty much for the bridge already, but that's just one other part of it.

There is a lot of really good stuff here, and it's absolutely worth the effort to go from good to great.

Mike