Keep Breathing

[DonnaMarilyn]

Well. What can I say. This is a little ditty from July 2011 during the 50/90 challenge. I wanted to write something darkish & different. For some reason, thoughts of succubi trickled to mnd, which led to Lilith (as myth has it, Adam’s first wife and one of the four queens of the succubi who mated with the archangel Samael - in the form of the Serpent - in the Garden of Eden). And of course, we all know what succubi do. They’re very naughty girls.

(I also have a version adjusted for male vocals, to be sung in the 3rd person.)

Genre: Something in metal, goth, hard-rock, I imagine. If I ever managed to find a collaborator, could you hear this in a pitchable song?

Honest feedback welcome.

UPDATE 23.10: NEW VERSION

Donna

Keep Breathing, My Dear

V1
The lords call me Lilith
I feed while you sleep
Don't worry, my love
We have secrets I'll keep
And while you dream deeply
Your world will grow darker
Until my departure
You need to be still
While I take my fill

Chorus
Keep breathing, my dear
You have nothing to fear
You may crave the small death
But don't die on me yet
For when you awaken
Your roots will shaken
Keep breathing, my dear
Keep breathing

V1
Proud Samael's lover
Long eons ago
I was mired in myth
And now I want to know
That while you dream deeply
I'll taste of existence
There'll be no resistance
You need to be still
While I take my fill

Chorus
Keep breathing, my dear
You have nothing to fear
You may die the small death
But don't die on me yet
For when you awaken
Your roots will shaken
Keep breathing, my dear
Keep breathing


Bridge
I knew the garden
And I knew the serpent
I came at his bidding
He made me his servant

Chorus (1/2)
Oh, when you awaken
Your roots will shaken
Keep breathing, my dear
Keep breathing

© 2011-2012 Donna Devine

[simonsays]

My my Donnna,
Been pretty prolific lately haven't you. (Not that that's a bad thing. It just makes it harder keeping up with the crits. Oops ... I just reread this ... realized I misread it. You did it in 2011, not 2012. My bad. ) Hopefully someone else will add their two cents worth too.
Steve

Well. What can I say. This is a little ditty from July 2011 during the 50/90 challenge. I wanted to write something darkish & different. For some reason, thoughts of succubi trickled to mnd, which led to Lilith (as myth has it, Adam’s first wife and one of the four queens of the succubi who mated with the archangel Samael - in the form of the Serpent - in the Garden of Eden). And of course, we all know what succubi do. They’re very naughty girls.

I love a good succubus story Donna. Please check out my song "Snow White Succubus" if you find some free time.

(I also have a version adjusted for male vocals, to be sung in the 3rd person.)

Genre: Something in metal, goth, hard-rock, I imagine. If I ever managed to find a collaborator, could you hear this in a pitchable song?

Honest feedback welcome.

Donna

Keep Breathing [Donna, I don't think this title fits well with the genre you listed. IMO it's not hard enough sounding. Succubi are basically psychic parasites. This title sounds like it's from an inspirational ballad love song to me. If this is about Lilith ... then why not have her name, or something more of the succubus, in it? (For example: "Lying with Lilith", "Lilith's Kiss", "like Lily Breathes", "Sipping Souls", "Psychic Parasite" ...)

V1
(I am called) Lilith [suggest (my name is) for added assonance]
I feed while you sleep
Don’t worry, (my love) [(lover?)]
These (are) secrets we’ll keep [(Are) might make it a mouth full here ... is it necessary?]
While your world’s growing darker
And while you (dream deeply) [Maybe switch these? (deeply dream)]
Until my departure [Switch this line with one above?]
(You need to be) still [this sounds a bit clinical to me]
While I take my fill
[a tenth line might be useful. You could have him get something from her. Succubi are seductive, after all]

Chorus
No, no, don’t wake yet
You’ve nothing to fear
You may die the small death

[Sorry Donna, this chorus just doesn't do it for me. Like your title ... I don't think it's dark enough . I liked the small death reference. (but other than that, there's nothing for me to love concept wise or word wise here.) Where's the wow factor? Imo, a (heavy metal/goth/hard rock) chorus needs to be creepy, catchy, and/or more hardcore.

But keep breathing, my dear
[Just] keep breathing
Just keep breathing

V2
Samael’s lover
(Long centuries) ago [(many millennia?) for alliteration, and deeper time.]
I was mired in myth
And now I want to know
All the (tastes of existence) [Uh, does that include love? What other parts of existence does she want to sample? seems like she's just sucking his life force. Is she sucking his memories too?]
So while you dream deeply
There’ll be no resistance
You need to be still
While I take my fill

Chorus
No, no, don’t wake yet
You’ve nothing to fear
You may die the small death
But keep breathing, my dear
[Just] keep breathing
Just keep breathing

Bridge
I knew the garden
And I () knew the serpent [(literally? Bibically? as in sexually?)]
I came at his bidding
He made me his servant [sweet bridge Donna]

Chorus
No, no, don’t wake yet
You’ve nothing to fear
You may die the small death
But keep breathing, my dear
[Just] keep breathing
Just keep breathing

© 2011 Donna Devine

Donna,
For me, the title is the seed ... from which the rest of the prose must grow. While I think there is fertile ground here, your starting place seemed to lead me to a different kind of song then you promised. Obviously, from my comments there, your bridge was my favorite part of your song. Unfortunately, I don't think one can build a song up very well with the bridge as a foundation. Remember though, I'm just one point source. I hope other posters have something to add. Relying on just one additional viewpoint is never wise, IMO!
Sincerely, Steve

[DonnaMarilyn]

Great feedback, Steve. Thanks. Stay tuned.

Indeed, I've seen that fine lyric of yours. I critiqued it a few months ago.

Donna

[simonsays]

Great feedback, Steve. Thanks. Stay tuned.

Indeed, I've seen that fine lyric of yours. I critiqued it a few months ago.

Donna

Donna,
I'm happy you liked my feedback. I'm also a bit embarrassed that I didn't connect you as 'the Donna' that replied to my Snow White Succubus post. (Although, It was over 4 months ago ... so I hope that means my memory isn't that bad. At least I did remember the poster was named Donna. ) BTW, I think you gave some very intelligent feedback in that post.
Steve

[DonnaMarilyn]

Steve, I've made a few changes to the lyric (in the top post).

Below are my responses to your original comments.

I take your point regarding the title, but prefer not to change the lyric to include the name. I think the tweak, though, makes it a little stronger/more ominous.

V1
(I am called) Lilith [suggest (my name is) for added assonance] See above comment. The 'lords' refer to the Shebhim, a category of fallen angels.
I feed while you sleep
Don’t worry, (my love) [(lover?)] I prefer to keep 'my love', as I feel it sounds more intimate, hence more sinister. In addition, I've used 'lover' in V2.
These (are) secrets we’ll keep [(Are) might make it a mouth full here ... is it necessary?] Good point. I've adjusted the line.
While your world’s growing darker
And while you (dream deeply) [Maybe switch these? (deeply dream)] I've reversed the lines.
Until my departure [Switch this line with one above?]
(You need to be) still [this sounds a bit clinical to me]
While I take my fill
[a tenth line might be useful. You could have him get something from her. Succubi are seductive, after all] I think this aspect is covered in lines 3 & 4 of the chorus with the reference ('small death') to orgasm (which also extends to a kind of spiritual release).

Chorus
No, no, don’t wake yet
You’ve nothing to fear
You may die the small death

[Sorry Donna, this chorus just doesn't do it for me. Like your title ... I don't think it's dark enough . I liked the small death reference. (but other than that, there's nothing for me to love concept wise or word wise here.) Where's the wow factor? Imo, a (heavy metal/goth/hard rock) chorus needs to be creepy, catchy, and/or more hardcore. All good points. Maybe the genre could be different. I think too that the music will to a great extent determine the mood/atmosphere.

But keep breathing, my dear
[Just] keep breathing
Just keep breathing

V2
Samael’s lover
(Long centuries) ago [(many millennia?) for alliteration, and deeper time.] Agreed. I opted for 'eons' to maintain the scansion.
I was mired in myth
And now I want to know
All the (tastes of existence) [Uh, does that include love? What other parts of existence does she want to sample? seems like she's just sucking his life force. Is she sucking his memories too?] I think it's OK to leave this ambiguous.
So while you dream deeply
There’ll be no resistance
You need to be still
While I take my fill

Chorus
No, no, don’t wake yet
You’ve nothing to fear
You may die the small death
But keep breathing, my dear
[Just] keep breathing
Just keep breathing

Bridge
I knew the garden
And I () knew the serpent [(literally? Bibically? as in sexually?)] Again, I feel ambiguity is fine. According to the legend, Lilith and Samael were lovers (it's also indicated in V2). Samael is said to have appeared to Lilith in the form of a serpent.
I came at his bidding
He made me his servant [sweet bridge Donna] Thanks. I like it too. Apropos your earlier comment, I don't see the bridge as the foundation but as the surprise element that adds a layer to the story (the function of a bridge).

Chorus
No, no, don’t wake yet
You’ve nothing to fear
You may die the small death
But keep breathing, my dear
[Just] keep breathing
Just keep breathing

© 2011 Donna Devine