Blowing up a song, rewriting lyrics, appreciate ur thoughts!

[ChipD]

The first incarnation of this song is on my Taxi page as "Friday."

Bad recording and mix, to start with. Secondly, there's several things I need to change to allow the good parts of the song to shine. Those changes, some driven by Taxi return feedback, are:

1. Record the new version with a more current-sounding vocalist.

2. Change the instruments and the mix to go for a more pop, less hard rock style. Specifically, get the guitars out of the front and have real (or at least realistic) drums.

3. Play up the some of the rhythmic freshness that is in the melody.

4. Change the title to something more attention-getting, less boring.

5. Shore up some weaknesses with the lyrics.

So, in this post, I'd like feedback on the new lyrics. By the way, the tentative new title is "WTF (If I Don't See You)." Here is the latest version of the lyrics...

The click of your front porch door
1AM on Sunday morn
Means another week has ended
It leaves just a memory
That’s not warm enough for me
Like an old quilt that’s left unmended
And I can almost see your eyes
As we said goodbyes
Through the haze in my brain
Wish I didn’t have to replay
It for six more days
That’s not enough to keep this girl sane

There is no substitute for the time I spend with you, yeah

CHORUS
If I don’t see you Wednesday
I won’t be alright
And if I don’t see you Thursday
Not sure I’ll be alive, ‘cause
I don’t usually freak out much
But I’m not gonna lie, I already miss your touch, yeah
If I don’t see you Friday
I don’t think I’ll survive

When I open my eyes in bed
We’re still dancin’ in my head
Though the clock says five-dash-five-four
I pray for some self-restraint
Need the patience of a saint
To keep me away from your door
And I can almost taste your lips
Feel your fingertips
Through the locks of my hair
Wish we didn’t have to delay
Things ‘til Saturday
You gotta know it doesn’t seem fair

There is no substitute for the time I spend with you, yeah

CHORUS

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder
But my heart’s so fond, I can’t take it any longer, take it any longer, yeah

CHORUS

I don’t usually freak out much
But I’m not gonna lie, I already miss your touch, yeah
If I don’t see you Friday, I don’t think I’ll survive

[inga]

A lot of words. It doesnt need so many. Less is more. Example.

The click of your front porch door -click of your porch door
1AM on Sunday morn - on sunday morn
Means another week has ended - means another week ended
It leaves just a memory - leaves just a memory
That’s not warm enough for me
Like an old quilt that’s left unmended
And I can almost see your eyes
As we said goodbyes
Through the haze in my brain
Wish I didn’t have to replay
It for six more days
That’s not enough to keep this girl sane

[ChipD]

Inga,
Thanks for the quick feedback.

I usually agree that less is more when it comes to lyrics.

But, for this particular song, I am trying to go for some creative rhythms with the melody, mixing notes that are tied over beats with four sixteenth notes on a single beat. In the second and third measures, for example, "front porch door, 1 AM on Sunday morn" is the equivalent of eighth, quarter, dotted quarter, four sixteenths, eighth, quarter, dotted quarter. Trying to channel a little Ke$ha/urban influence

Just givin' a little context

[nylyrics]

Chip:

Ok - I like the use of the days in the chorus and the pace of it. I am going to suggest that you start with
re-writing the responses to each day and make them more interesting or memorable.

If i dont see you wednesday....(how will you not be alright? give me an example of your behavior or aching feelings in a picture)
then when you get to thursday - find something that ryhmes with your brilliant idea and so on.

I think once you make the chorus really strong all the way through - you will know whats great about the verses or not and
pair or fix as you go.

Good luck with this. Is there a link to the music?

Andy

[ChipD]

Good suggestions, Andy.

I think you're right - the chorus needs to make a statement that no one has heard before. Something more clever, visual, memorable, emotional.

A rough recording of the original version of this song is at http://www.taxi.com/cdominick as "Friday."

[AnthonyCeseri]

inga makes a good point about using less words. At the same time, i think you've done a pretty good job at being descriptive in your verses. It's pretty clear what you're talking about, and easy to visualize.

[ChipD]

Thanks for the feedback, Anthony!

[ChipD]

You know, Anthony's comments got me thinking about a time I got to have a chat with a Grammy-nominated songwriter about this song. She, in so many words, reacted to the chorus like "OK, if she doesn't see her boyfriend by Friday, she'll feel like she won't survive. So what? That's boring."

So, let me go extreme on this and put this chorus out there for you. I'm trying to play off the "not enough to keep this girl sane" theme from the first verse. Is this TOO extreme? I'm going for a Ke$ha/P!nk attitude on this, but is that even too far beyond what those ladies would do?

If I don’t see you Wednesday
I might kick and scream
And if I don’t see you Thursday
Someone might have to bleed, ‘cause
I don’t usually freak out much
But I’m not gonna lie, I already miss your touch, yeah
If I don’t see you Friday
Get a straight jacket for me

[nylyrics]

i had the pleasure of listening to "too young for tattoos" and while i did not listen several times,
the way to young for tattoos baby is a great hook and you should be proud of that. Great job.

Andy

[ChipD]

Thanks, Andy!