Can I get some lyric advice please?

[CharlieErnst]

Hi. I've been working on a song chorus and I was wondering if I could get some input. This is the chorus idea that I've one up with so far:

Like a jigsaw
You got me broke into pieces
Scattered all around me on the living room floor
But the last straw 
Was seeing how he pleases you
It shatters me and cuts right to the core 
Like a jigsaw


I'm using two metaphors (for jigsaw) at the same time. Will that be too confusing for the listener?

Thanks for the input.

[Casey H]

Did you mean "jigsaw" to be a jigsaw puzzle or an actual saw here?

[CharlieErnst]

Hey Casey. The first half I meant puzzle and the second half is the saw , the fact that you questioned that tells me that it's confusing.

Thanks

[NathanNasby]

I didn't get it until Casey asked his question ! Yes, I found it a bit confusing to mix 2 different objects of the same name in a single metaphor.

[mikeymike2000]

Hi Charlie,

I don't claim to be a good lyricist but I like this chorus and it made sense to me.

I also like the double meaning, I think it is creatively artistic.

[CharlieErnst]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll keep plugging away at it.

[emilyfra]

One point though - a jigsaw arrives broken up and then gets put together.

[CharlieErnst]

One point though - a jigsaw arrives broken up and then gets put together.

Hmm...hadn't thought of that. Great point!

[rdance]

nice images. i would only use the second jigsaw metaphor later in another verse or chorus, as a dynamic change in the story. drill the first image in first.

minor thing: maybe take out "me" in "scattered all around me on the living room floor"...because in the prior line you likened *yourself* to a jigsaw. so you wouldn't be scattered around *me* (yourself), you'd just be scattered around.

now i'm scattered.

[cassmcentee]

(Like a) I'm a jigsaw
(You got me broke) Cut into pieces
(all around me )Scattered on the living room floor
(But) The last straw (I would find something better here... hmmm)
(Was how )Is seeing he pleases you
(It )Shatters me
(right )Cuts to the core
I'm a jigsaw

(The colored words would be omitted)
This has me thinking that less alows more space for emotional phrasing, the second line alows the double entendre.
Scattered could be "Shavings"
"The Last Straw" having a hard time with a substitute for that one...

Hope this helps!
Cass