Like a version (Lean on me acoustic) songwritting feedback?

[belindacoomes]

Hi guys,

I have been thinking about using the custom critique section of taxi (still newish to taxi and never used it before) with this bare-bones acoustic song BEFORE spending time on recording and production etc. to get the song structure and words right from the start (I know I'm actually listening to advice from taxi TV!) . But thought it would be good to put it up here first and get some feedback on the song. It's just a rough recording of vocals and guitar. It's my (quite different) version of the song 'lean on me'.

Any feed back welcome.

Thanks.

Song is 'lean on me' on my taxi page.

Words:

CHORUS
---------------
lean on me,
when you're not strong
cant carry on
ill be your aid, and more
ill be your rock, that doesn't crumble to sand
ill be everything I can

VERSE1
-------------
dont be shy
cry as you need
for worry weighs on your mind
I see your ache inside

that you won't speak
so please swallow your pride
help is by, is by your side


CHORUS


VERSE2
-------------
as time goes by
cry as you need
its neither wrong or right
hope's not to fail, its to fight

time may change time
and tears may fall and dry
but memories I hold, will never die


CHORUS

BRIDGE
--------
life, can give so much
yet, not enough
and ill miss you when you've gone

im not that weak
im not that strong
and ill cry when you're gone


Final CHORUS
---------------
Lean on me
when you have gone
when you've passed on
I'll keep the light, Shining bright

I'll be your peace
peace, at long last
coz I'll be everything, everything I can

[Casey H]

Hi Belinda
You have a lovely voice.

The song is way too similar (in places, both music and lyric) to the big hit "Lean On Me", originally released by Bill Withers.
http://youtu.be/QPoTGyWT0Cg

Also, your intro (36 seconds) is too long. For songwriter demos, film/TV pitches, etc., you need to get to the vocal much quicker. 4-8 measures and under approx. 15 seconds...

Best,
Casey

[pedrocosta]

Casey is spot on!
Unfortunately it's so close I don't think any publisher would want to touch it.
It's a lovely feel though. You could try re-writing the chorus (melody and lyrics)
And yes that intro MUST be shortened.
All the best!

[AmandaJane]

I love the vocals But I agree with the other feedback comments.

I instantly recognised the first 2 lines of the chorus from the lyric alone - before I listened to it. Unfortunately they match exactly And being the hook lines, Casey and Pedro already said it, and I thought straight away, that a publisher will instantly see that and won't want to get involved

[belindacoomes]

Thanks for all the feedback.

I was thinking it was ok to do versions of songs because I have seen a number of listings over the time asking for modern or versions of hit songs from the 80's, 90's, blondie, etc.

I agree that I couldn't pitch this song with the lyrics as is to a normal listing. It would have to be a version of 'Lean on me'.

What is your opinion about versions of hit songs? is there a market for it? or should I look at re-writting the lyrics???


Thanks.....

[belindacoomes]

Also, how long would you suggest the intro to be? as short as a few seconds? 4 bars?

Thanks.

[nick.moxsom]

Hi, Belinda.

What they said...

Lovely voice, and the bits of this song that are your own are equally lovely – I would write out anything Mr Withers might have a problem with and make this truly yours.

As for cover versions, I've tried pitching a couple in the past, but they were too off-the-mark. The chances are the cover will be for a commercial, in which case it needs to be instantly recognisable as the original. I would suggest to wait until a listing comes around with a week or so, then record a cover from scratch.

Intros? Never more than one 4 bars, imo – 15 secs is too looong. Picture yourself as the music supervisor, sitting in traffic, after a bad day, and yours is the 70th song s/he's heard today... how are you gonna stop her/him from fast-forwarding to the next track?

If the reason you want to do covers is because you aren't prolific with lyrics, maybe you can find someone who is...

Looking forward to hearing more from you

Nick

[Casey H]

What Nick said....

There are far fewer opportunities for covers than originals as a whole. Yup, when you see a listing for a cover, no reason not to go for it. But in general, I would focus on originals either by yourself or with collaborators. Building a catalog of covers, unless they are for your own CD/iTunes release or artist promotion, isn't the best use of your time and energy. I'm assuming you are interested in film/TV.

Also, AFAIK, songs which are a mix of cover and original material are tricky as far as permissions, copyright, etc. (I don't know a lot about this but I think it could be messy)... So go for either a cover or an original.

4 bars is a good guideline for intros.

Good luck!

Casey

[belindacoomes]

Thanks for all your feedback. I've taken it all on board. Will re-write with new lyrics in the chorus so it becomes an original tune rather than a cover.

[johnlewitt]

Why not do a version of the original version in this style AND rework your own song for another.

Listings for covers come up in bunches, I find, so it's always nice to have a few recorded. A sparse version of Lean On Me with your vocal and guitar would be unique enough to attract interest.

This is just me, but I try to avoid making my songs longer than four minutes for these types of things as I don't want to lose the listeners attention.

John