Life, Love and Everything - feedback please

[mikemichnya]

This song was inspired by a hit song I heard. I looked at the idea from a slightly different perspective, used the original as a general template and wrote this. (I changed the original rhyme scheme in verse lines 3 & 7 and line length in verse lines 4 & 8).

I'm still working on a tentative melody, but I'd appreciate feedback on the lyrics before I get too far into the music. (At 374 words, I know it's wordy - but that's about 30 words shorter then the song it was modeled on!) Let me know whatcha think. (Lay it on me - I can take it! )

Life, Love and Everything
© 2015, Michael A. Michnya, Amor Songs; ASCAP.

She’s a Victoria’s Secret satin night dress
She’s the Duke Blue Devils in a full court press
She's a prom queen, cheerleader sayin' yes
To her quarterback high school sweetheart
She’s Marilyn, Rosa Parks, Supergirl
She’s the Dixie Chicks killin' Earl
She's moonlight shining on a string of pearls
Whispering sweet 'I love you's' in the dark

She’s a daughter of the new generation
Raised as a lioness among the wolves
She say’s life’s a journey not a destination
When I’m with her I’ve got my hands full
She faces the world on her own terms
Still makes me feel like I’m her king
She taught me what I needed to learn
About Life, Love and Everything
Life, Love and Everything

She’s a box of chocolate covered cherries
She's a Friday night lights demolition derby
She's Thelma and Louise, Lavern and Shirley
Taking a road trip in a pickup
She's putting her money on the underdog
She's Dorothy in the Land of Oz
She’s a double shot of whiskey on the rocks
With a lump of sugar in a teacup

She’s a daughter of the new generation
Raised as a lioness among the wolves
She say’s life’s a journey not a destination
When I’m with her I’ve got my hands full
She faces the world on her own terms
Still makes me feel like I’m her king
She taught me what I needed to learn
About Life, Love and Everything
Life, Love and Everything

I used to say I needed my freedom, I never wanted to be tied down
She gave me someone to believe in, now I’m through runnin’ around

She’s a daughter of the new generation
Raised as a lioness among the wolves
She say’s life’s a journey not a destination
When I’m with her I’ve got my hands full
She faces the world on her own terms
Still makes me feel like I’m her king
She taught me what I needed to learn
About Life, Love and Everything
Yeah, Life, Love and Everything

[mojobone]

I have some notes. What genre is this intended to be? If it's country, you'd need to lose a lot of those lines, cuz folks don't talk like that. Speaking of which, you've got enough lyrics there for about three songs, unless you really jack the tempo. Victoria's Secret is a brand; one that hires lawyers who google, so that takes you out of contention for broadcast gigs, right there. You can probably scratch Duke too, while you're at it. I'm also not in love with the title, cuz it's neither very unique nor a strong hook nor what the song seems to really be about, based on a preponderance of the lines, but I think there's a lot of potential.

Thing is, there's a line "she's the Dixie Chicks, killin' Earl" that absolutely belongs in a country song, and country is about the only genre that still sports these laundry list/character study kinda songs anymore, the last one I can recall on pop radio was Train's Meet Virginia, and ...it's been a while. This could work as rap, though cuz you could spit the rhymes a lot quicker though some of the lines again would work better or worse for the genre. With some tweaks to fit things together better, (or rather, to better juxtapose them) this could be hick-hop, especially since you haven't settled on a melody. There I go, answering my own question, again.

[mikemichnya]

Hey Mojo,

I appreciate the feedback. You're right... it is a wordy, list song, but as I said in my original post shorter than the original current country hit I used as a template (points to anyone who can figure out what it's based on ). I've since come up with a melody (although that's a bit of a rough draft, and might change), and with tempo at 154 bpm, it comes in around 3:20 or so... Maybe it would help if I post the rough recording, maybe not...

I was thinking of shortening the chorus a tad, but I like your suggestion to go hick-hop with it. I'll have to ponder that a bit...

But I think you might be right about the title. That's a bigger problem... a song in search of a better hook. Hmm, suggestions anyone?

Thanks again, man.

[inga]

far too many descriptions going on. less is more.

[Casey H]

Hi Mike
It's hard to comment on the wordiness without knowing the genre/era you are shooting for. Can you share with us the song that was the model? Is your target genre/era the same as that?

In general, songs today are not this wordy or structured this way. Older folk & folk rock songs (e.g. Bob Dylan) were sometimes all verses (A A...A) or A A B A, verses with a bridge thrown in. That's why knowing your target is so important. If you were looking to pitch a song like this for a contemporary artist to record, it would be nearly impossible. If you were writing a "period piece" for Film/TV (e.g. for a scene that takes place in the 60's), it might be more marketable.

So what's the target?

Best
Casey

[mikemichnya]

Casey,

No real goal, other than trying to write great songs, as always. The model was Keith Urban's John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16 (and I was thinking country, but I'm open to variations). So I either disguised it pretty well or you guys don't listen to much contemporary country (cause they play it a lot). (BTW, the original isn't a song I'm overly fond of; I just thought it was a clever way to do a list song and thought I'd try it.)

With regard to the original, I kept the same structure (VCVCBC), same rhyme scheme, about the same line lengths, and fewer words. This version came in at 336 words (I've shortened it a little in the re-write), but Urban's has 398.

It's true that most songs aren't this wordy, but there's a fair number of current or recent hits that are as long and even longer. It's not the number of words so much as it is how fresh and unique they are, how many are needed for the song, and how hooky the song is...

For example, Kenny Chesney's Save it For a Rainy Day (current No.1 Country) and Rachel Platten's Fight Song both have 333, Walk the Moon's Shut Up and Dance has 336, Chase Rice's Gonna Wanna Tonight has 356, Lorde's Royals has 376, Magic's Rude has 388, the Weekend's The Hills (current Pop No.1) has 438, Taylor Swift's Bad Blood has 485 and Shake it Off has 539, Adele's Rollin' in the Deep has 566, Ronson/Mars' Uptown Funk has 637 and Macklemore/Lewis (et al) Downtown has 722! (And I wasn't cherry picking here, these are just songs that I'm moderately familiar with...)

Ok, I know I'm cheating with the Uptown Funk reference since the verses only have maybe 90 words total and the rest is that long, repeating chorus ( ), but they're all incredibly hooky songs, which I guess is why they can get away with big word counts. (And none of them come close to the 800 plus words in American Pie or the nearly 900 in Uneasy Rider, two of my all-time favorites...)

I've re-written it a bit since the original post, and after the feedback I've gotten, here and elsewhere, I've got some more re-writing to do. Once I do that, I'll re-post it.

Thanks for the help!

[Casey H]

Thanks Mike for filling in more of the blanks. And my bad, on the structure. I didn't pick it up as VCVCBC with every section starting with "She's a..." And I don't listen to that much contemporary country--- guilty as charged. And your lyrics are very well written, I forgot to say that!

Also, I've found that (both on the giving and receiving end), reviewing lyrics without music can be tough. How many words BY ITSELF is meaningless without hearing how it flows, the melody, the hook, etc. A killer hook trumps any other rule.

I would still say that if you pick a template/style, pick one that represents the majority of hits in that genre, not an outlier. Most A&R still want 'get to the point' and resolve with a killer hook quickly. As an unknown writer, the standard is different than for Kenny or Tay-Tay. If, being more knowledgeable in contemporary country than me, you feel this isn't more of an outlier, ignore that!

The target (Pleasure, practice, publishers, or film/TV, etc) is always critical.

Best of luck! Look forward to hearing this with music.

Casey

[mikemichnya]

Hey Casey,

It's all good! Just like there aren't any stupid questions, there's no such thing as unhelpful feedback, IMO. And I know that just reading lyrics isn't the same as listening to them in a song...

You're certainly right about the bar being higher for us unknowns, and about this template being an outlier. I'd say that most country top 40 songs are probably in the 250-300 word range. Also, my 154 BPM is at the up-tempo end of things, so I guess that's two strikes against it.

Beginning with the end in mind is (almost) always the best plan, so thanks for taking the time and reminding me about that.

After all, I did say that I have thick skin, and I appreciate all the help I can get. Cheers!