I need to change this chorus...any suggestions

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feaker66
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I need to change this chorus...any suggestions

Postby feaker66 » Fri Apr 13, 2018 1:04 pm

This chorus just doesn't work for this song. Any suggestions?

Sad eyes

I saw her sitting on a playground toy… staring off to the sea
I walked on over and caught her eye…. do you want some company
She said nothing and turned away…. not at all impressed with me

Sad eyes I wanna take away your pain
Sad eyes It doesn’t have to always rain


Her eyes were pretty but the pain was there ..something that she had been through
I tried again but her head went down she whispered how do I know you
I said I’d like to talk to someone, maybe you, cuz I have been hurt too

Sad eyes I wanna take away your pain
Sad eyes It doesn’t have to always rain

https://www.soundclick.com/html5/v3/pla ... i&newref=1

Thanks

Paul

She said do you like the sea (I saw a sparkle in her eye) do you wanna walk with me
I’z too excited to deny I’ll tell you my story I’ve been whispering to the sea
Thankfully, while growing old is compulsory, growing up remains optional!

https://soundcloud.com/feaker66

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default ... dID=883613
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funsongs
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Re: I need to change this chorus...any suggestions

Postby funsongs » Fri Apr 13, 2018 1:23 pm

Hey Paul - just reading (didn't listen yet) - couldn't help but hear what Robin Frederick might say in reply to your question - something like:
"Don't tell me the story - SHOW me the emotion."

So - how about:
Sad eyes - like a cold day in the rain
I'll restore their smile - and your sun will rise again


goofy? but, maybe you get the idea: come up with a metaphor, and illustration of the emotion -
make sense?

It also allows you to flip the negative/downer into a positive/hope thing. Si?
OK - now I'll go listen. :? :shock: 8-)

edit: nice music.
Peter Rahill
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“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra
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feaker66
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Re: I need to change this chorus...any suggestions

Postby feaker66 » Fri Apr 13, 2018 6:59 pm

Hi Peter I thought the first lyric series could possible spawn some interest. I am not even so sure about Sad Eyes?? Seem like everything I put down is cliché. I like your first thoughts. I am writing every hint down from friend online to grandkids to.... ha ha then I will come up with "the Plan" Thanks for your 2 cents bud

Paul
Thankfully, while growing old is compulsory, growing up remains optional!

https://soundcloud.com/feaker66

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default ... dID=883613

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