"Too Soon" please take a look at this lyric

[RustyP]

Hey folks,
Would appreciate an objective take on this lyric.

It is for a singer / songwriter indie-folk feel acoustic song.

Here's the listing blerb.
----------REFLECTIVE, ACOUSTIC-BASED SINGER/SONGWRITER SONGS with Male Vocals are needed for an (up to) $1,000, Non-Exclusive, Direct-to-Supervisor placement in an Independent Feature Film.
The Music Supervisor is currently on the prowl for Down-to-Mid-Tempo Songs that are in the general stylistic wheelhouse of songs like these references the Music Supervisor provided to us:
“Pictures” by Benjamin Francis Leftwich
“Delicate” by Damien Rice
NOTE: They’re NOT looking for clones or soundalikes of those songs, but the tone, tempo, and mood should be in the ballpark of the references.
Please submit well-crafted, emotionally engaging songs with Acoustic Guitar as the primary instrument. Your submissions should have emotionally compelling melodies, with an infectious chorus that could support the scene’s mood. A small band/ensemble, or a guitar/vocal performance can both work for this request, as long as it fits the somber mood they’re after. Your vocal performance should be intimate, with a believable delivery full of emotional pull.
Lyric Tip: They’d like to hear lyric themes that deal with reflecting on life: family, survival, memories, etc. ----------Does this convey the impermanence of life and memory in a sortof floaty way?
I'm recording the instrumental track today.

----------
Too Soon
Rusty Perez 2018

v1
Lay on your back
let’s Watch the clouds
Painting magic in the sky
There’s you and I
Holding hands

And the wind
Never shows itself
But always to blame
Pulling clouds apart, then back together
And we’re Never the same

And all we have are memories
Drawings in the sand
Shifting fleeting in our minds
A pen in shaky hand

v2
Pictures, of neverlasting days
Bound together in this book
Smiling Boys and girls
Men and women
on the next page

Then pulled apart,
blowing in the wind
catching fire
lost in time
Never there again

C
And all we have are memories
Drawings in the sand
Shifting in our minds
A Pen in shaky hand

v3
Stay here in this place, where you are
Carve yourself in everlasting stone
Don’t let the earth shake
and destroy you

Believe that we’ll be here,
forever,
so we don’t float off
too soon
----------


Please and Thank you!

[mikemichnya]

Hey Rusty,

I don't know if you finished this song, if you submitted it, if it was one of the 15 that got forwarded. The reference tracks are really very different, more of a range.

I really like the idea behind the song, and I think it has tons of potential.

Your imagery in the first verse is very strong, but in the second half of the verse, the line 'but always to blame', seemed a little abstract. Reading further, I thought the second half of the second verse was tighter and a better fit. It read like a lift into the chorus:

Lay on your back
let’s watch the clouds
Painting magic in the sky
There’s you and I
Holding hands

Then pulled apart,
(leaves) blowing in the wind
catching fire (I wasn't crazy about this line; it didn't fit the airy theme or the pictures you were painting)
lost in time
Never there again

And all we have are memories
Drawings in the sand
Shifting in our minds
A pen in shaky hand...


The second verse also has strong imagery, but it's a bit of a jump cut from where you start. It might be less jarring (to me, anyway), if it came first. Just a thought.

Pictures, of neverlasting days
Bound together in this book (what book? weren't you just laying in the grass watching the clouds?)
Smiling boys and girls
Men and women
on the next page (so a photo album or a yearbook)


The third verse reads more like a bridge, but the other verses and the chorus says life is fleeting, so it sounds wistful but not consistent with the rest of the lyric.

Stay here in this place, where you are
Carve yourself in everlasting stone
Don’t let the earth shake
and destroy you

Believe that we’ll be here,
forever,
so we don’t float off (back to the original theme of clouds blown apart by the wind?)
too soon

I know it's an indie thing to have somewhat obscure titles, but my final thought is that your chorus might be stronger if it contained the hook. Something like

And all we have are memories
Drawings in the sand
Written in shaky hand
Shifting in our minds
fading, fleeting, floating off
too soon

MTC, FWIW. Best of luck with it. I'll be interested in hearing how it turns out.

[RustyP]

Hi Michael,
Thanks!
That was a little while ago.
I did submit the song with a few revisions, including the title.

In general, the switch after the first chorus was meant to evoke a photo album, maybe a little quaint now.
I know this is not the info my casual listener would be getting, but my initial inspiration for these lines was the fires we had in California last year and the images of peoples photos and histories burning and floating off in the wind. Memories, are all they had left.

anyway, here's a link to the song I finished, submitted, and that was forwarded.

https://soundcloud.com/rusty-perez/too-soon

[mikemichnya]

Hey Rusty,

finished, submitted, and... forwarded

I suspected as much. I have to admit that my bias is for symmetry from verse to verse (in number and length of lines, rhyme scheme, etc.) but it's not as critical in indie singer/songwriter. (And, hey, 75% of your submissions have been forwarded, so what do I know?)

I really like the lyric changes in the chorus, the chorus melody, and the title change. The verse melody is haunting and pretty. Nice work. And congrats on the forward.

I never would've guessed the inspiration. Hope to hear it in a TV show some day!

Thanks for sharing it!