Would appreciate critique on country (ish) lyrics

[brianrice]

I'd really appreciate a critique of lyrics-in-the-making.
Feel like a country-suited set.

I'll say no more...
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Leaving For The Last Time

verse 1

Dropped the keys through the letter box
My footsteps echo down the stairs, one last time
I'm hailing down a taxi, mind so numb, in tears,
That it's come to this at last, after many hollow years
And the history's heavy on my mind
But given comfort, given time, I'll make the best of
what's left, and even what I left behind

Chorus

Leaving for the last time
Cause my time's too valuable
Leaving for the last time
But I couldn't say
You wouldn't listen
You've your lessons to learn, and I've got to get away from you
So I'm leaving for the last time (x2)

Verse 2

Not sure if my way is up or down for now
But I know that these are changes that I'll push through, somehow
And the friends you left behind still walk along with me
So I'll be safe to be, who I choose to be

Chorus 2

Leave for the last time
Cause you clouded all my sunshine
Leaving for the last time
Make a final claim, on what is mine
My soul's been waiting to rise up and light its rightful freedom
So I'm leaving for the last time (x2)

[funsongs]

Hey Brian - some good imagery content there; concern might be that it's all in the 1st person - "I"...
and without making it about "you", at least in the opening phrase - might not grab the listener to pay attention to the rest of your story.
Just a thought to consider. Also - how about telling us WHY - "leaving you for the last time..." what happened? Still - keeping it simple as possible.
Hope that helps.

[CherylMitchell]

Brian,
I saw your post and REALLY like the concept & emotion of your lyrics. However, I found myself struggling to read your lyrics with rhythm/in meter (if that makes sense). So, I just went for it and re-worked them kind as if they were my own. (Which I know they're not!)
I'm an idea person and I love to write, so I just couldn't stop myself. This is ALL just "for what it's worth".

For the Last Time

Dropped the keys through the letter box
Footsteps creak on the stairs
Waiting for the taxi, I feel numb and can't see through the tears
Don't believe it's come to this, after all these years
Memories heavy on my mind, but given comfort, given time,
I'll make the best of what's left, and what's next
Even what I left behind

Chorus:
Leaving for the last time
Cause time is all I have
Leaving for the last time
You wouldn't listen, I couldn't play the game
You've got lessons to learn, I've got to get away
So I'm leaving for the last time (x2)

Cheryl

[ScreamieBirds]

Really like the story you’re telling here. One thing to keep in mind is that the second verse might want to
have the same rhyme scheme/line length as the first verse.

Hope this helps.

[GBall]

Its going to be a great song IMO!

My thoughts are to leave the protagonist at the top of the stairs on the first verse, as that sets up the "Not sure my way is up or down for now" in the chorus with a double meaning. Then in verse two you put them in the taxi, and so the song gets a time based flow to it. I personally would NOT change up the chorus, I'd keep just the words in the first one.

I'd move some of the thoughts and introspection into the first verse, and move the action down to the second (the taxi, leaving)
in the first verse I'd have something like:

Dropped the keys through the letter box
Sounds as hollow as these final years
...

I might suggest putting some thought from the second chorus into a bridge if you need/want one. Whatever you think best represents your final conclusion...

Keep or sweep as you wish man...
Greg