Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback
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Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback
Anybody care to give me your thoughts about these lyrics? Anything trip you up or cause you to have to read it twice?
Chorus right now is instrumental/vocal oo's - no lyrics.
Left to Chance
If gravity let go of me where would I be
Thrown into forever but never free
Can I count on you to grab my hand
or will I be left to chance?
Sometimes the games we play walk a fine line
Is the next move yours or mine
Can I count on you to show what's in your hand
or will we be left to chance?
What if you'd made a right when I went left
Would we have never met
I will count on us and make my bet
We are not left to chance
Let's roll the dice again and see what may
Maybe today's our day
I will count on us I've placed my bet
We are not left to chance
Chorus right now is instrumental/vocal oo's - no lyrics.
Left to Chance
If gravity let go of me where would I be
Thrown into forever but never free
Can I count on you to grab my hand
or will I be left to chance?
Sometimes the games we play walk a fine line
Is the next move yours or mine
Can I count on you to show what's in your hand
or will we be left to chance?
What if you'd made a right when I went left
Would we have never met
I will count on us and make my bet
We are not left to chance
Let's roll the dice again and see what may
Maybe today's our day
I will count on us I've placed my bet
We are not left to chance
Cheryl Mitchell
Never be afraid to be yourself - an original is worth more than a copy.
https://soundcloud.com/cm-songs
https://taxi.com/cm-songs
Never be afraid to be yourself - an original is worth more than a copy.
https://soundcloud.com/cm-songs
https://taxi.com/cm-songs
- funsongs
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Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback
Hi - my review 'technique' would be to offer possible replacement words, where something seems fuzzy/unclear (with an explanation) to consider; just my 2 cents worth:
Verse)
If gravity let go of me where would I be
Thrown into space but never set free (hard to connect loss of gravity & "forever")
Can I count on you to grab my hand
Refrain)
or will I be... left to chance? (if you're planning to repeat this, even melodically)
Verse)
Sometimes the games we play walk a fine line
Is the next move yours or mine
Can I count on you to include me in your plan (avoid repeating use of same word - hand)
Refrain)
or will we be... left to chance?
Bridge)
What if you'd made a right when I went left (change the melody here - make this your "middle 8"?)
Where would we be, to never have never met (filling out, or completing the thought)
Refrain (removed that entire 3rd line/phrase - to be more concise)
I'm so glad... we are not left to chance (begin to bring in the hope & resolve - to flip it)
Ending/Verse)
Let's roll the dice again and see what can be (ditto)
Maybe today's our day - you and me
I will count on us I've placed my bet
Refrain)
Let us not just... be left to chance (empower yourself/yourselves/us)
Tag)
Let us be one - and not... left to chance (too corny?!)
Okay... sorry... feeling like the Song Surgeon here... more than 2 pennies...
Take or leave it... to chance!!
Verse)
If gravity let go of me where would I be
Thrown into space but never set free (hard to connect loss of gravity & "forever")
Can I count on you to grab my hand
Refrain)
or will I be... left to chance? (if you're planning to repeat this, even melodically)
Verse)
Sometimes the games we play walk a fine line
Is the next move yours or mine
Can I count on you to include me in your plan (avoid repeating use of same word - hand)
Refrain)
or will we be... left to chance?
Bridge)
What if you'd made a right when I went left (change the melody here - make this your "middle 8"?)
Where would we be, to never have never met (filling out, or completing the thought)
Refrain (removed that entire 3rd line/phrase - to be more concise)
I'm so glad... we are not left to chance (begin to bring in the hope & resolve - to flip it)
Ending/Verse)
Let's roll the dice again and see what can be (ditto)
Maybe today's our day - you and me
I will count on us I've placed my bet
Refrain)
Let us not just... be left to chance (empower yourself/yourselves/us)
Tag)
Let us be one - and not... left to chance (too corny?!)
Okay... sorry... feeling like the Song Surgeon here... more than 2 pennies...
Take or leave it... to chance!!
Last edited by funsongs on Sat Aug 10, 2019 8:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
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- funsongs
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Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback
Hi Cheryl...
here's another crazy idea... what if you changed up the order? like this:
Verse 1)
Could I count on you to grab my hand (get the "you" included in your first line)
If gravity let go of me?
Where would I be... thrown into space?!
But never to be set free (hard to connect loss of gravity & "forever")
Refrain)
or will it all be... left to chance? (if you're planning to repeat this, even melodically)
here's another crazy idea... what if you changed up the order? like this:
Verse 1)
Could I count on you to grab my hand (get the "you" included in your first line)
If gravity let go of me?
Where would I be... thrown into space?!
But never to be set free (hard to connect loss of gravity & "forever")
Refrain)
or will it all be... left to chance? (if you're planning to repeat this, even melodically)
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
NOW, back on YouTube (2022)
https://www.youtube.com/@peterrahill9263/featured
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://peterrahill.bandcamp.com/
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra
NOW, back on YouTube (2022)
https://www.youtube.com/@peterrahill9263/featured
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://peterrahill.bandcamp.com/
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra
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Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback
@funsongs Your method of reviewing and contributing is great! I WANT lots of input. Thanks for your thoughts.
Cheryl Mitchell
Never be afraid to be yourself - an original is worth more than a copy.
https://soundcloud.com/cm-songs
https://taxi.com/cm-songs
Never be afraid to be yourself - an original is worth more than a copy.
https://soundcloud.com/cm-songs
https://taxi.com/cm-songs
- funsongs
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Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback
Well, okay - cool. Was a little concerned it might seem heavy-handed.CherylMitchell wrote: ↑Thu Aug 08, 2019 12:35 pm@funsongs Your method of reviewing and contributing is great! I WANT lots of input. Thanks for your thoughts.
Whatever helps, helps... toss the rest.
Now that you've caught my interest, I'm looking forward to see how you develop your song.
Cheers.
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
NOW, back on YouTube (2022)
https://www.youtube.com/@peterrahill9263/featured
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://peterrahill.bandcamp.com/
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra
NOW, back on YouTube (2022)
https://www.youtube.com/@peterrahill9263/featured
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://peterrahill.bandcamp.com/
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra
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Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback
Nice feedback on the lyrics!
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