Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Want your lyics reviewed? Post 'em up!

Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff

irwin
Getting Busy
Getting Busy
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2006 7:22 am
Gender: Male
Location: Guyana,South America
Contact:

Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by irwin » Fri Jul 24, 2020 8:43 pm

Hi Member,

I have rewritten this lyric after reading Mark's advice. Also I've done a scratch vocal of the melody. Please have a read and listen below; Comments and suggests are welcome. I am seeking collaborative help.

https://soundcloud.com/user-148093629/h ... e-midnight


Home before Midnight----------BPM-140 Date; July 31, 2020
©2020 Irwin Abrigo--------------D Minor
-
(Verse 1)
-
It’s an hour away from midnight
I try to call you kelp hanging up your phone
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
I want you to come home
-
Come home
Come home
-
(Verse 2)
I Know I’d ever told you a lie
If there was something I’d done you didn’t like
You know you could have told me I was wrong
Been together for so long
-
Come home
Come home
-
(Chorus) x2
I want you to come home
Before midnight, before midnight
-
(Bridge)
Your friends hadn’t seen you all day long
Never slept a night from each other’s arms
Rumors’ been going around has I understand
You’ve been seen down- town walking holding hands with another man
-
Come home
Come home
-
(Chorus) x2
-
(Verse 3)
I want to hold you in these arms of mine tonight
Oh baby please don’t make me cry
-
(Chorus)
I want you to come home
Before midnight, before midnight

Come home
Come home











THIS WAS THE FIRST POST BELOW:


I present this song lyric of mine for review. I Thought to myself I did a good job but that's only me.

I am looking forward for some serious, and to be critically reviewed


Home Before Midnight
©2020 Irwin Abrigo
-
(Verse 1)
I’m looking out the window sitting with my phone
Waiting for you to come back home
Been drinking all the while, setting up all night
I couldn’t get you off my mind
It’s an hour away from midnight
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
Tonight I don't wanna sleep alone
-
(Verse 2)
I’d been trying to call you hanging at the malls
Friends hadn’t seen you all day long
If there was something I’d done
you Thought I was wrong
You Know I'd never told you a lie
Never slept a night from each other’s arms
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
Tonight I don't wanna sleep alone
-
(Chorus)
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
I want you to come back home before midnight
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
I want you to come back home before midnight

(Pre Bridge)
I want, to hold you, in these, arms of mine
Baby, please don’t, please don’t make me cry
Tonight
-
(Bridge)
I don't wanna sleep alone, tonight It’s almost midnight
Rumors’ been going around town, you’ve been seeing another guy
I don't want to be alone
Please don't make me sleep, alone
-
(Chorus)
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
I want you to come back home before midnight
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
I wanna you to come back home before midnight
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
I want you to come back home before midnight
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
I want you to come back home before midnight
Last edited by irwin on Sat Aug 08, 2020 10:40 pm, edited 6 times in total.

User avatar
cosmicdolphin
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 1868
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:46 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by cosmicdolphin » Sat Jul 25, 2020 7:20 am

Could it be a hit ? Impossible to say without the music and melody.

As far as the lyrics go, I think your opening line could be stronger , it's a little vanilla . Tell us something that draws us into the story more.

Maybe you could promote one of the more interesting middle lines to the start i.e. " It's an hour away from midnight ..." paints more of a scene , obviously you'd have to come up with a new line for the middle.

The verses seem conversational which is good, you do change the rhyming scheme from V1. to V2 so it's hard to know how it would affect the song without hearing it. Lyrically from verse on to verse two we do get some story development...someone hasn't come home, nobody has seen them, there's hints of some sort of argument going down..all good stuff I think.

Repetition in the chorus is good, I'm not sure if that's a satisfactory lyric though after the build up. So we know someone is missing, that you had a fight, they should be home ...but why... Because YOU don't want to sleep alone seems a bit of a weak / selfish reason. Maybe you could take the idea of the " other guy rumours " from the bridge and build a more interesting chorus around that ? Then the bridge could be about sleeping alone.

Hope that helps.


Mark

irwin
Getting Busy
Getting Busy
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2006 7:22 am
Gender: Male
Location: Guyana,South America
Contact:

Re: Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by irwin » Wed Jul 29, 2020 4:53 pm

cosmicdolphin wrote:
Sat Jul 25, 2020 7:20 am
Could it be a hit ? Impossible to say without the music and melody.

As far as the lyrics go, I think your opening line could be stronger , it's a little vanilla . Tell us something that draws us into the story more.

Maybe you could promote one of the more interesting middle lines to the start i.e. " It's an hour away from midnight ..." paints more of a scene , obviously you'd have to come up with a new line for the middle.

The verses seem conversational which is good, you do change the rhyming scheme from V1. to V2 so it's hard to know how it would affect the song without hearing it. Lyrically from verse on to verse two we do get some story development...someone hasn't come home, nobody has seen them, there's hints of some sort of argument going down..all good stuff I think.

Repetition in the chorus is good, I'm not sure if that's a satisfactory lyric though after the build up. So we know someone is missing, that you had a fight, they should be home ...but why... Because YOU don't want to sleep alone seems a bit of a weak / selfish reason. Maybe you could take the idea of the " other guy rumours " from the bridge and build a more interesting chorus around that ? Then the bridge could be about sleeping alone.

Hope that helps.


Mark
Hi Mark, I do appreciate and respect Your comment on my song. I'll always accept corrections whenever their is need for me to be corrected.

I am please that you like this lyric in some parts.

The second verse should have been posted like I have it posted below; and also below is a link to the song for you to hear what the music and melody sounds like. (This is how I would send it off to my vocalist/singer)

https://soundcloud.com/user-148093629/h ... m-140-gmin


(Verse 2)
I’d been trying to call you hanging at the malls
Friends hadn’t seen you all day long
If there was something I’d done
you Thought I was wrong I Know I'd never told you a lie ------(I edited this line)
Never slept a night from each other’s arms
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
Tonight I don't wanna sleep alone

User avatar
cosmicdolphin
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 1868
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:46 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by cosmicdolphin » Thu Jul 30, 2020 1:33 am

irwin wrote:
Wed Jul 29, 2020 4:53 pm
(This is how I would send it off to my vocalist/singer)

https://soundcloud.com/user-148093629/h ... m-140-gmin
Irwin - Did you post this as a joke ....or is that seriously how you are sending songs out for collab ? If this is the level of your musicality either get help or stick to lyrics.

Mark

irwin
Getting Busy
Getting Busy
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2006 7:22 am
Gender: Male
Location: Guyana,South America
Contact:

Re: Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by irwin » Fri Jul 31, 2020 6:16 pm

cosmicdolphin wrote:
Sat Jul 25, 2020 7:20 am
Could it be a hit ? Impossible to say without the music and melody.

I think your opening line could be stronger ,

Maybe you could promote one of the more interesting middle lines to the start i.e. " It's an hour away from midnight ..." paints more of a scene , obviously you'd have to come up with a new line for the middle.
Hi Mark,

I have rewritten this lyric after reading your advice. Also a scratch vocal of the melody.Please have a read below;

https://soundcloud.com/user-148093629/h ... e-midnight


Home before Midnight BPM-140 Date; July 31, 2020
©2020 Irwin Abrigo G# Minor
-
(Verse 1)
-
It’s an hour away from midnight
Been trying to called you kelp hanging up your phone
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
I want you to come home
-
Come home
Come home
-
(Verse 2)
I Know I’d ever told you a lie
If there was something I’d done that you didn’t like
You know you could have told me I was wrong
Been together for so long
-
Come home
Come home
-
(Chorus) x2
I want you to come home
Before midnight, before midnight
-
(Bridge)
Your friends hadn’t seen you all day long
Never slept a night from each other’s arms
Rumors’ been going around has I understand
You’ve been seen down- town walking holding hands with another man
-
Come home
Come home
-
(Chorus) x2
-
(Verse 3)
I want to hold you in these arms of mine, tonight
Baby please don’t make me cry
-
(Chorus)
Come home
Come home

User avatar
cosmicdolphin
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 1868
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:46 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by cosmicdolphin » Sat Aug 01, 2020 2:11 am

irwin wrote:
Fri Jul 31, 2020 6:16 pm
cosmicdolphin wrote:
Sat Jul 25, 2020 7:20 am
Could it be a hit ? Impossible to say without the music and melody.

I think your opening line could be stronger ,

Maybe you could promote one of the more interesting middle lines to the start i.e. " It's an hour away from midnight ..." paints more of a scene , obviously you'd have to come up with a new line for the middle.
Hi Mark,

I have rewritten this lyric after reading your advice. Also a scratch vocal of the melody.Please have a read below;

https://soundcloud.com/user-148093629/h ... e-midnight


Home before Midnight BPM-140 Date; July 31, 2020
©2020 Irwin Abrigo G# Minor
-
(Verse 1)
-
It’s an hour away from midnight
Been trying to called you kelp hanging up your phone
I don't wanna sleep alone tonight
I want you to come home
-
Come home
Come home
-
(Verse 2)
I Know I’d ever told you a lie
If there was something I’d done that you didn’t like
You know you could have told me I was wrong
Been together for so long
-
Come home
Come home
-
(Chorus) x2
I want you to come home
Before midnight, before midnight
-
(Bridge)
Your friends hadn’t seen you all day long
Never slept a night from each other’s arms
Rumors’ been going around has I understand
You’ve been seen down- town walking holding hands with another man
-
Come home
Come home
-
(Chorus) x2
-
(Verse 3)
I want to hold you in these arms of mine, tonight
Baby please don’t make me cry
-
(Chorus)
Come home
Come home
I think that's stronger lyrically now Irwin, and the structure could work but melodically it doesn't sound that great.

I think the beat you have is okay to get started but you need to figure out the chords so you can work out the melody properly.

User avatar
CTWF
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 1557
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2018 11:02 am
Gender: Male
Location: Nowitzki's place of birth
Contact:

Re: Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by CTWF » Sat Aug 01, 2020 5:15 am

Hey Irwin

I think this is a good opportunity to build up a melody from scratch and ask on the way experienced members on here (not me...) what they think about it.

Mark wrote about the chords, but maybe it is easier to come up with a single line of notes for the top line first. At the moment, what I hear in your singing is not really melodic yet. So, maybe just play the melody you want to sing on the piano or with some sort of a synth and then post it again on here.

Tom
https://soundcloud.com/ctwf My sh1t is straight FIRE! d;-o

User avatar
CTWF
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 1557
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2018 11:02 am
Gender: Male
Location: Nowitzki's place of birth
Contact:

Re: Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by CTWF » Sat Aug 01, 2020 8:35 am

Hi Irwin - it's me again! :) :roll:

To make my point very clear: If the song went like this to Heather Rachel (or another singer) and you would tell her "just do it", then it would become a non-melodic, not commercially usable idiosyncratic piece, because I can hear no melody whatsoever in it. Sorry to have to be so clear about this.

At the moment, there is no song yet. There are some lyrics, but no memorable hook, no engaging melody, no real music. So, this is your main task to work on now in my opinion, and this goes hand in hand with Mark's mentioning of chords and, I guess, chord progression.

So, I am absolutely dead serious: Take your beat (without your vocals) and put in an instrument that plays the topline and post it again here. I am sure experienced members will then be happy to tell you how strong the melody is and how well it fits into any given genre. Then you can improve the melody step by step.

Once you have a strong melody and an identifyable genre, you can send it to a good singer and get a great topline.

Then you might want to make use of the forum again to get the mix right. This way, you can improve tremendously at each step of the game. It is better to get advice at each step than at the end, when, essentially, it is all too late.

Creating good songs is very hard. Keep working at it! :)
Tom
https://soundcloud.com/ctwf My sh1t is straight FIRE! d;-o

irwin
Getting Busy
Getting Busy
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2006 7:22 am
Gender: Male
Location: Guyana,South America
Contact:

Re: Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by irwin » Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:41 pm

cosmicdolphin wrote:
Sat Aug 01, 2020 2:11 am
irwin wrote:
Fri Jul 31, 2020 6:16 pm
cosmicdolphin wrote:
Sat Jul 25, 2020 7:20 am

I think that's stronger lyrically now Irwin, and the structure could work but melodically it doesn't sound that great.

I think the beat you have is okay to get started but you need to figure out the chords so you can work out the melody properly.
Thank you Mark, for I know exactly what I have to do now. Figure out the chords.

My vocalist collaborator(s) they're the ones who will improve on the melody idea I may send them.

You thought my rewritten lyric is stronger and I do appreciate that.

Irwin

irwin
Getting Busy
Getting Busy
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2006 7:22 am
Gender: Male
Location: Guyana,South America
Contact:

Re: Home Before Midnight (Could This Be a Hit?)

Post by irwin » Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:49 pm

CTWF wrote:
Sat Aug 01, 2020 5:15 am
Hey Irwin


Mark wrote about the chords, but maybe it is easier to come up with a single line of notes for the top line first. At the moment, what I hear in your singing is not really melodic yet. So, maybe just play the melody you want to sing on the piano or with some sort of a synth and then post it again on here.

Tom
I do understand what you are saying above Tom, I will try that because it is a nice idea. Thank you.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests