Would Love Feedback...Thanks

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JeremyDoss
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Would Love Feedback...Thanks

Post by JeremyDoss » Sat Sep 12, 2020 8:21 pm

Here is a new lyric I am working on. Any and all advice welcomed. Thanks in advance for your time.

Work on the Inside by Jeremy Doss
V1
When I look at my reflection,
What I see is not really me,
My mind tells me I know what’s best,
My heart reminds me of the unrest.

Make this world a better place,
Extend a hand and pray for grace,
No one’s perfect this much I know,
Work on the inside so I can grow.

CH
We gotta love one another,
Hand in hand we’re brothers,
What I think we’ll see,
We’re not so different you and me.

Take the time to hear the pleas,
Understand why some take a knee,
Don’t hide your face and remain blind,
Do our part and work on the inside.

V2
Love is healing and universal,
It has no barrier or care the color,
Many live life unbothered,
Unlike our hurting sisters and brothers.

We can not sit and say we might,
Time to stand up for what is right,
Why can’t we all just get along,
Build a world where we all belong.

CH Repeat

BR
Let’s fight for freedom with all our hearts,
There’s not better time then now to start.

CH Repeat

TAG
We can do better you and I,
Let’s take the time...to work on the inside.

JeremyDoss
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Posts: 35
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Gender: Male
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Re: Would Love Feedback...Thanks

Post by JeremyDoss » Mon Sep 14, 2020 9:26 am

JeremyDoss wrote:
Sat Sep 12, 2020 8:21 pm
Here is a new lyric I am working on. Any and all advice welcomed. Thanks in advance for your time.

Work on the Inside by Jeremy Doss
V1
When I look at my reflection,
What I see is not really me,
My mind tells me I know what’s best,
My heart reminds me of the unrest.

Make this world a better place,
Extend a hand and pray for grace,
No one’s perfect this much I know,
Work on the inside so I can grow.

CH
We gotta love one another,
Hand in hand we’re brothers,
What I think we’ll see,
We’re not so different you and me.

Take the time to hear the pleas,
Understand why some take a knee,
Don’t hide your face and remain blind,
Do our part and work on the inside.

V2
Love is healing and universal,
It has no barrier or care the color,
Many live life unbothered,
Unlike our hurting sisters and brothers.

We can not sit and say we might,
Time to stand up for what is right,
Why can’t we all just get along,
Build a world where we all belong.

CH Repeat

BR
Let’s fight for freedom with all our hearts,
There’s no better time then now to start.

CH Repeat

TAG
We can do better you and I,
Let’s take the time...to work on the inside.

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funsongs
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Re: Would Love Feedback...Thanks

Post by funsongs » Mon Sep 14, 2020 9:51 am

Hi Jeremy -
attempting to offer the simplest 'critique', and something to consider:
Verse 1 starts with the song being about "I"... rather than "you" or "they"... so, IMHO, it's a weak beginning.
Not to be disrespectful in anyway - but some might ask "why should I care about you, or what you think?"

Basically - I'm of the Old School notion that your opening line/lyric needs to be your strongest 'grab' at the listener. Make it about them, first.
So - rather than re-write it (which you could do) - you could opt for changing the order of lines, or even just change the positioning:
swap V1/V2...
Make your Verse 2 the opening - and, get more 'intimate' with your personal view later in the song.

My 2 cents.
BTW: do you sing your own songs? Great vocals there - I'd be interested in WFH for Classic Country, if that's an option.
Send me a PM if that's something that could happen.
Cheers,
Peter
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
You Tube channel: Peter Rahill

“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

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