Lyrics feel too wordy. Any input?

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DJackson
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Lyrics feel too wordy. Any input?

Post by DJackson » Thu Oct 01, 2020 11:21 pm

The melody and instrumentation for this song would be solid for a placement on a drama tv show. I’m just having a tough time fixing the lyrics from what I originally wrote (sappy song about proposing to my wife).
I’d like to keep the chorus and bridge. Nothing else has to stay. I’d love some notes if anyone cares to help. Thanks!

LIT ME UP

Off speed and syncopated/
Heart beats while I waited. Time/
had forgotten how to fly./
Breath deep through nervous laughter/
For keeps and everafter/
I’ll take your hand on bended knee/

Pre
Now I’m on fire/but when you found me I was/
All alone and in the dark
I was waiting my turn/ I’d been ready to burn/
All I needed was a spark...
And you lit me up
You lit me up
I won’t let you go
Don’t let me go

Don’t wanna be isolated/
Solitude is overrated/
I’ve had my fill of time and space/
Do you wanna be my steady handed/
Wild-heart and understanding mind/
Will you stay with me for life/

Repeat pre-chorus and chorus

Bridge
I’ve been waiting my whole life
I’ve been ready for tonight
All I needed was a spark
And here you are
Here you are
X2
Chorusx2

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AlanHall
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Re: Lyrics feel too wordy. Any input?

Post by AlanHall » Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:56 am

The ref tracks I've been listening to lately (singer-songwriter to indie rock) have a lot of repetition. I agree that you can get by with fewer words, and I agree that the chorus and bridge are gold in this song. I'd start the song with the chorus, and see which words could be extracted or amplified upon to create new verses? The new verses don't have to be narrative/ballad stories, but can be a reflection of the feeling of the chorus. Looking at the structure this way, some of the words in the prechorus stick out at me as examples of this kind of lyric:

I was waiting my turn (repeat each line but the last?)
I’d been ready to burn
All I needed was a spark...

And you light me up
You light me up
All I needed was your smile...

I won’t let you go
Please don’t let me go
All I needed was your heart...

I'm burning now
We're burning how
I imagined it could be...

disclaimer: I am NOT a wordsmith :lol:
Last edited by AlanHall on Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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AlanHall
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Re: Lyrics feel too wordy. Any input?

Post by AlanHall » Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:58 am

The other thing I'd like to observe is that in pop songs, the verse vocal rhythm is often slower than the chorus. So you only need half the number of words (syllables, actually) to fill the requisite number of measures. This alone can make the song less 'wordy'.

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Re: Lyrics feel too wordy. Any input?

Post by DJackson » Fri Oct 02, 2020 8:51 pm

AlanHall wrote:
Fri Oct 02, 2020 10:56 am
The ref tracks I've been listening to lately (singer-songwriter to indie rock) have a lot of repetition. I agree that you can get by with fewer words, and I agree that the chorus and bridge are gold in this song. I'd start the song with the chorus, and see which words could be extracted or amplified upon to create new verses? The new verses don't have to be narrative/ballad stories, but can be a reflection of the feeling of the chorus. Looking at the structure this way, some of the words in the prechorus stick out at me as examples of this kind of lyric:

I was waiting my turn (repeat each line but the last?)
I’d been ready to burn
All I needed was a spark...

And you light me up
You light me up
All I needed was your smile...

I won’t let you go
Please don’t let me go
All I needed was your heart...

I'm burning now
We're burning how
I imagined it could be...

disclaimer: I am NOT a wordsmith :lol:
This is really helpful. I’m going to work on it a bit more with these tips in mind. I really appreciate these fresh ideas. Thanks.

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