Need feedback on the lyrics please !

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Wizardz
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Need feedback on the lyrics please !

Post by Wizardz » Mon Jun 21, 2021 8:14 pm

Titles
Damn I want off this ride
Dang I want off this ride

Sitting here wondering just what to do
Something's gotta change
I've been living my life on the very edge
Like hell on a rampant trek
It's been one thing after another
Ain't nothing worked out yet
First I'm up and feelin good
Then I'm down and bouncing again

(pause)
Damn! I want off this ride! (chorus)

Sometimes I see the light at the end
And wonder how far it is
Then the Devil puts a block in my path
So I stumble and fall again
Feel like I'm hitting my head on the wall
But it only makes me feel worse
Can I lay here awhile and rest my bones
I'm feelin a mighty thirst

Damn! I want off this ride!

Took a ride on a Ferris wheel and
Thought I was taking a plane
Round and round and up and down
I feel like a toy yoyo.
Can someone please pull the plug on this thing
I'm feeling a little sick

Damn! I want off this ride!

Hey! Someone turn the lights back on!
I can't see a doggone thing!

chorus
Jam to the end and make funny verbal comments be during jam
End with
Damn! I want off this ride!


It's a rather fast tempo and only has 2 chords for the whole song

Critique Away!
Thanks

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AlanHall
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Re: Need feedback on the lyrics please !

Post by AlanHall » Wed Jun 23, 2021 9:32 am

Without my filters on, sorry if this seems harsh...

The first line needs to be stronger. It sounds like you could just get up and walk away at that point. Maybe using the words 'stuck' 'trapped' or 'locked in' to go with the carnival ride idea?

The second verse has you mixing your metaphors. Before you wanted off, now you've fallen and you can't get up. Maybe you could set up a series of verses that put you in a different situation, but then the title and chorus don't work. Better to stick with the idea of being trapped and helpless, I think.

Keep working! The really good stuff appears after many re-writes, or so I've been told ;)

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cosmicdolphin
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Re: Need feedback on the lyrics please !

Post by cosmicdolphin » Wed Jun 23, 2021 10:13 am

Damn I want off this thread

You've written the most generic bland opening song line imaginable ...exactly like they say not to write in lyric writing 101, then it kinda goes downhill from there.

You seem to have found about 15 ways to tell us the same thing which wasn't that interesting the first time - nothing happens , then it happens some more. There's no details, no imagery, no story ..nothing to invest in....the whole thing is riddled with clichés ....why should we care or listen ? You've given us nothing but a laundry list of 'woe is me '

Maybe seek out a good book on songwriting and go from there , something like this https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/09820 ... bl_vppi_i7
Last edited by cosmicdolphin on Thu Jun 24, 2021 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Casey H
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Re: Need feedback on the lyrics please !

Post by Casey H » Wed Jun 23, 2021 6:55 pm

I agree that these lyrics are not what is needed for a song for the reasons already mentioned. Here is a long list of good songwriting books, scroll down to the ones about lyric writing: https://www.taxi.com/music-business-books/

Also, pay attention to the lyrics of popular songs. Look up the lyrics to good songs by Google. Observe how they are constructed-- verse, chorus, etc.

Don't feel beat up. This is a helpful, caring community and everyone has to start somewhere.

Best,
:D Casey

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irthlingz
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Re: Need feedback on the lyrics please !

Post by irthlingz » Fri Jun 25, 2021 7:10 pm

I like:
Took a ride on a Ferris wheel and
Thought I was taking a plane
Maybe start with those?

===
Michael

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