Would this be marketable song?

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craigels
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Would this be marketable song?

Post by craigels » Thu Jul 15, 2021 11:14 am

Zues’s Gun

he always knew that the end would soon be near
but it flew from the skies and drenched him in fear
It came hard, It came fast
quicker than a charged bombs final laugh

Come save him
please someone
Save the one
Shot by zeus's gun

He can’t run
He can’t hide
He may be caught By Death tonight

That young man drove through a tree
With a ton of steel machinery
It was fear, It was doubt
That made him scream to his God “what’s this about”

But his hero’s stormed through the rain
with more help then blood in a vein
The sirens sighed as they drove him home
A place where his future will never grow

Come save him
please someone
Save the one
Shot by zeus's gun

He can’t run
He can’t hide
He’s been caught by a new life

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hummingbird
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Re: Would this be marketable song?

Post by hummingbird » Thu Jul 15, 2021 11:42 am

Hi Craigels... it is too cryptic for a lyric in my opinion. There are so many questions that come up as I read it. We start with the end is near and end with being caught by a new life, but how we got from one to the other isn't really clear. My advise would be to sit down and just write out the story like you'd tell it to someone over coffee. Visualize it like a scene in a movie. Forget about rhymes and structure and think about telling a story that the listener can relate to. Once you have that, then you can work with the form. JMHO. Keep or sweep.
"As we are creative beings, our lives become our works of art." (Julia Cameron)

Shy Singer-Songwriter Blog

Vikki Flawith Music Website

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AlanHall
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Re: Would this be marketable song?

Post by AlanHall » Thu Jul 15, 2021 3:55 pm

+1 to what Vikki wrote. I'm stumped by specific details

"That young man drove through a tree
With a ton of steel machinery "

I get that there was a crash, but my thought stops here: a ton is too heavy for a motorcycle, too light for a car; so I've fallen out of the flow of the story at this point. Probably, because as Vikki mentions, there's so much of the rest of the song that's not detail - nothing else besides this random detail to point my focus toward. A rewrite is in order.


Something I need to tell myself more often! :lol:

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irthlingz
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Re: Would this be marketable song?

Post by irthlingz » Sun Jul 18, 2021 3:02 pm

It'll never fly because "Zeus" is misspelled in the title :)

Seriously, "marketable" to whom for what?

I think with the right tune and production, listeners could dig it. I don't think being cryptic is a bar to success, as long as it's intriguing.

I also think the "ton" thing is okay. "Ton" is often used colloquially without any precision being implied ("I ate a ton of pasta").

However, I do suspect that it might be difficult to sell this song for someone else to record, for the reasons that others have mentioned. This is not based on experience, but I think maybe more "obvious" songs would be easier to sell.

JM2C

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Re: Would this be marketable song?

Post by cosmicdolphin » Sun Jul 18, 2021 3:10 pm

It's not a song, it's just a lyric.

Song Definition ; " A short poem or other set of words set to music or meant to be sung. "

So until it's set to music it's impossible to say.

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irthlingz
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Re: Would this be marketable song?

Post by irthlingz » Sun Jul 18, 2021 4:20 pm

cosmicdolphin wrote:
Sun Jul 18, 2021 3:10 pm
So until it's set to music it's impossible to say.
True dat.

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