Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

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MAsh
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Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

Post by MAsh » Mon Apr 11, 2022 5:09 am

Hi.

I want to chop this iNDIE/aLT ROCK TRACK down to manageable size to make a shorter radio friendly version. Which bits should go? Prob needs to be 3 or 4 verses long. Would appreciate your thoughts :)



YOU GOTTA SEE ME NOW (CLEANED UP RADIO FRIENDLY VERSION)

1. I’m back, in slacks, I’m blister packed, I got a chainsaw in my hand
A walk-in heart attack, it’s beatin’ outta whack, like the hammers on a baby grand
In kecks-mauve, dressed as Michael Gove, I was happy as the day was long
I got cloned, disowned, an’ overthrown, though I never did nobody wrong

2. I’m hot wired and my hair’s on fire, bin on the lash with your Auntie Beryl
I chew electric eels, I’m spinning Catherine wheels, so I’d ignore me at your peril
A big grin, (I’m) gonna pogo in, I got a stick made in Argentina
I’m fried, inside, flung open wide, like the doors of a Ford Cortina

3. I grind gears and I mainline beers, I chew the fat with an alcoholic
And then the bar-room spins, I’m hearing mandolins, drawn like a moth to the melancholic
The Dali clock face cracks, the numbers melt like wax and my troubles lie in disarray
And with a mow-mow double-jointed verbal soup, she’s gonna blues those blows away

CHORUS: YOU GOTTA SEE ME NOW… (Pay attention! Don’t ignore me! Etc )
YOU’D NEVER LEAVE ME NOW… (I need followers! Hit the bell notification!)
I SWEAR YOU’D WANNA BE ME NOW… (Over here! I’m not invisible! Etc Etc)

4. My brain hurts like Colonel Kurtz, I swan around like a pound shop Jesus
I’m on tenterhooks, knee deep in medical books, to Wiki up on some new diseases
I wore my yellow dress, to join the SAS, in an crazed bid for your attention
I bang gongs, right wrongs, and then I knock out songs, that go beyond human comprehension

5. OK...on your knees n pray, got a tenner says you don’t know how
We’ll meet God half way on judgment day, to plough along that furrowed brow
You got a double bed, I got a troubled head, you’d forget em if they ain’t been used
I got crazed, deranged, I raved for days ’til they medicated up my food

CHORUS/GUITAR SOLO

6. Yeah...I can’t sleep now I’m in too deep, I got a mattress that’s mostly wire
The night sweats, the looped regrets, feedin’ a mind like an amplifier
So now I’m necking pills, just like a hammer drill (note to lawyer – PUT DISCLAIMER HERE!)
I get wrecked and decked, by the side effects, keep falling over like a fallow deer

7. I make up stats, I saturate fats, I baked a cake in the shape of sorrow
I got double-crossed by those verbal knots, like ‘yesterday was today’s tomorrow’
I took my mojo back, I got my shoe-heels stacked, turned the gee-tar to way past ten…
And then I wowed the crowd,
Oh Christ my shirt was loud,
Then I woke up and I was born-again! Yeah!

CHORUS x 2 and FADE

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AlanHall
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Re: Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

Post by AlanHall » Tue Jul 26, 2022 12:03 pm

Hey MAsh, you still here? I hope so, you've got some potential! The overall vibe from the lyric has a high-energy intensity that reflects the indie/alt rock feel. ;)
MAsh wrote:
Mon Apr 11, 2022 5:09 am
tenterhooks
[aside]I am happy to see that words spelled correctly. Congrats![/aside]

As a general observation - in my opinion and mine only - I'd start by removing every reference to a specific person, place, or other unique thing ("kecks-mauve" comes to mind. Some color I've never heard of?). This mostly for usage in sync licensing, but my aversion is that a string of name-dropping is just that.

That said, I think vv 3, 5, and 6 are the strongest and most likely to connect to the listener.

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funsongs
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Re: Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

Post by funsongs » Tue Jul 26, 2022 12:22 pm

Having a time-length in mind, for editing it down for RADIO PLAY would be helpful...
say, not more than 3-1/2 minutes?
What's your goal in that regard?
Peter Rahill - aka "funsongs"
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Casey H
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Re: Editing of this verbose lyric needed!

Post by Casey H » Wed Jul 27, 2022 4:21 am

Can you post your song so we can hear the music? Do you have some reference artists in mind?

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