When I Pray

[dtrainddog]

Hi,

I'm looking for feedback on this song which was a co-write with a friend I've met here on the forums. I'm going to be pitching this to Southern Gospel and Inspirational Country artists. I'm always looking for co-writers who can put music to lyrics.

"When I Pray"
Listen to "When I Pray" (Ft Rayna) by Darin Martin on #SoundCloud
https://on.soundcloud.com/iQu8s

When I Pray
Words and music (c) 2023
Darin Martin and Rayna Carlock

(v1)
When I'm lost, when I'm feeling down
I know I need a little help to get me through the day
I talk to God so He can turn my life around
I just feel better when I pray

(Chorus)
When I pray God listens to what I have to say
I can see God work in mysterious ways
When I bow my head the devil runs away
I just feel better when I pray

(v2)
When I’m sad, when I've got the blues
He knows what’s on my heart when I don’t know what to say
When I doubt God knows what I’m going through
I just feel better when I pray

(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge)
I put my trust on Jesus now He’s my dearest friend
If you believe it, can I get an amen?

(Repeat Chorus)

[Dandillinger]

Good lyrics and the guitar is nice. If the vocals were better the song could stand with only guitar. As is it needs more instruments such as bass and piano. You need something to give it more energy. Also, the cadence of the lyrics is a bit awkward in places, especially in the chorus. For example, you could hold the note on the word "feel" so that the words "better when I pray" hit the beat.

[feaker66]

yo dog guitar is too loud and it seems to be panned right down the middle. try moving to the side and play another track on the other side maybe capo's higer for effect.
It's good to get you song out early to get some help. Keep tweaking and repost.

[Casey H]

Hi Darin
Right now it's at the rough demo phase and not ready to pitch, especially to high bar listings for artists. I agree the phrasing of the lyrics is awkward at times.

On the lyrics, although there are no hard fast rules, it's often better not to give away the chorus hook line in the verse, make it unique to the chorus. Have the verse be the setup for why that line works. I found the bridge (although it doesn't differentiate musically from the rest enough) to be the strongest part of the song. So much so in fact, that if it were my song, I might re-write it with the hook/title being "Can I Get An Amen?".

Also, try to find less common, cliche lyrics and phrases if you can. That's not always easy, I know. But to pitch to artists you really want your song to stand out as not just the "same old".

Best of luck with it!
Casey

[Telefunkin]

Right now it's at the rough demo phase and not ready to pitch, especially to high bar listings for artists.

+1. Although its pleasant, its clearly a home recording with mic rustle at the start. Serious artists will be getting pro quality (radio ready) demos from known writers, so a home recording from an unknown writer has far less chance of even getting a listen.

I agree the phrasing of the lyrics is awkward at times.

+1. The most important line of the song is one of the awkward ones.

the bridge .... doesn't differentiate musically from the rest

+1. Its more of an extension to the chorus and maybe that's what was intended, but it seems an add-on for little purpose.

Also, try to find less common, cliche lyrics and phrases if you can. That's not always easy, I know. But to pitch to artists you really want your song to stand out as not just the "same old".

+1. If the lyrics don't have something special to lift them above the ordinary and the chords/music don't either (its just G, C and D) then it will struggle to compete with so many more songs that have something extra going on. Maybe using the bridge differently would help.

I realise that you might coming at this from the perspective of a songwriter and hoping that a producer would recognise the potential of the demo and do all the rest. In an ideal world that might happen. For now though, the more meat you can put on the bones, the better the chance of hooking a producer who'd take on that challenge, and finding an artist who'd chance their career singing it. Best of luck .

[dtrainddog]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I'm going to try to take out the hook in the last lines of each verse and have the bridge be the hook when I rewrite the song. I know it's hard to have a unique hook that's never been heard before so an artist will want to cut the song or even put it on hold. I've learned so much already, thanks so much everyone.