Help me!

[WSAO]

Dear friends, just got a return for this listing:

Lots of POP/PUNK SONGS with FEMALE vocals are needed by a super well-connected Film/TV Music Publisher for specific placement opportunities on a long running Television Series!
This Company is looking for a bunch of Up-Tempo Songs in the general wheelhouse of the following references:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrk6R7W ... totblondie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7Eqo7V ... neyRevenge
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__KlXUv ... =Pinkshift

NOTE: This Publisher is looking for new, current-sounding Female-fronted Pop/Punk Bands that want to get their music out there! They are also open to hearing really great Songs from the '80s, '90s, or early 2000's as well... as long as they have that Punk sound and a female singer!
Please submit Pop/Punk Songs bursting with tons of energy that showcase a talented Female singer. Ear-worm hooks, unforgettable melodies, driving rhythms, rockin' guitars, well-crafted lyrics, and confident, well-performed vocals are all needed for this request. Typical Pop/Punk instrumentation (think big guitars, drums, bass, etc.) that falls in the general wheelhouse of the references will work best for this opportunity. Please be sure that any virtual sounds or samples you use are realistic and sound like the real thing.

My song:
https://www.taxi.com/members/WJQg0yIBTr ... er-than-me

Review:
What I like most about this song
I like verse melody and drive on this tune.
I think you could improve this song by
The lyric hook connects well, but chorus melody could reach into more infectious territory for this request. A thought would be some top line finesse for more stand out qualities.
I returned or forwarded this song because
The chorus could reach more stand out territory for this request.

So...
It's a punk song but the screener want more finesse in the chorus.
Please, what should I do with the chorus?
Work on the backing vocals, try a different vocal line, change lyrics?
Any feedback is appreciated.
Thanks!

[AlanHall]

link to your song not working.

[WSAO]

Thanks, mate. Link fixed.

[boinkeee2000]

awesome pop punk tune, got me bobbin.....

cant decipher the finesse comment, but I can give you an idea of how i would've structured the chorus (this just me take it with a grain of salt)

i thought first stanza was strong melodywise & the backup vox
(ooooh she was prettier than me)

2nd stanza id change it up a bit rhythmically w/ addl lyrics (something witty?)
(ex. da-da-da-da da , da-da-da-da da, da-da-da-da da-da)

3rd stanza recalls to 1st line just fine
(ooooh she was prettier than me)

4th stanza would be a derivative of the 2nd (small change rhythmically) then end with your last 7 words
(ex. da-da-da-da da, da da-da, the only thing that i could see)

As usual, whatever changes you make is moot since you cant resubmit....and opinions/ideas are subjective so your call if you want to change it or not at this point...no use crying over spilled milk, one mans trash is another mans treasure (insert whatever analogy you like) ....you do have a cool arranging style, good luck!

[cosmicdolphin]

I don't think that it works just repeating the same line in the chorus 3 times...and then on the last line I couldn't tell what was sung it sounded kinda rushed

Keep the first line and then rewrite the rest melodically and lyrically to come up with something more compelling...Why was she prettier than the singer ? And how does that pay off in the last line of the chorus ?

[WSAO]

Thanks guys, maybe I could use the lyrics of the last chorus:
ahh she was prettier than me
ahh more than he could ever be
ahh I felt the touch of destiny
ahh she was prettier than me

But not sure if I change the melody of the top line or change only the harmonics and backing vocals to stand out.

Any ideas are welcome.

Thanks!

[cosmicdolphin]

Thanks guys, maybe I could use the lyrics of the last chorus:
ahh she was prettier than me
ahh more than he could ever be
ahh I felt the touch of destiny
ahh she was prettier than me

You still haven't told us why she was prettier than the singer. Those middle two just come across as generic lines that could be from anything. I still think the last line needs to pay off better as well

[cosmicdolphin]

ahh she was prettier than me
ahh like she walked off magazine
ahh Slid right out a limosuine
ahh Prettier than I'll ever be

Something like that

[WSAO]

Thanks, mate.
That make sense, to explain why she's was prettier than her.
I didn't realize that this was missing before.
I think is valid to change he lyrics but the screener was more concerned about the melody of the chorus, so another thing to think about it.

[cosmicdolphin]

I think is valid to change he lyrics but the screener was more concerned about the melody of the chorus, so another thing to think about it.

Having different lyrics for each line will make it easier to come up with a revised melody. The two go hand in hand IMHO