Put a Ring on My Finger

[aprildawn]

I already have one set of lyrics in this forum that have been reviewed (and revised as a result), and don't want to be one of those forum flooders, but no one has posted anything new for a couple of days, so I thought I'd get things rollin'. Here are some new lyrics that I have been playing around with. Love to hear your thoughts. As a preemptive strike, yes, I've sung it, and I'm thinking country... take a listen if you like. (Sound quality is not great...file conversion issue...hope to have it fixed soon.)http://www.freewebs.com/aprilsanthem/ Put a Ring on My Fingerby April Hopson Now I want more out of life.So help me, I'm gonna be somebody's wife.So if you love me I'll tell you what, You better move your little butt, And put a ring on my finger or I'm gone.ChorusYou put a ring on my finger,or I'm walking out the door.'Cause I ain't gonna wait aroundon you any-more-Six long years we've been togetherIt's 'bout time you say forever, and put a ring on my finger or I'm gone.Well my clock is a tickin' and your time is runnin' out, So I'll tell you what I'm a-all about.I want the dress, the big church too,So walk down the aisle and say, "I do,"and put a ring on my finger, or I'm gone.Repeat Chorus

[53mph]

I like the idea of the song...you sound like my girlfriend of 6 years.....except you didn't mention having a baby too.Have a listen to Wanda Jackson - I Gotta Know.I love the lyric line in this song "If our loves the real thing, where's my wedding ring"I feel your song could use a stronger pay-off line, like that one.Don't introduce the "put a ring on my finger" till the chorus...that will make it stronger.As it is you've used it too much and the effect is watered down.Below are some idea to make it punchier:Well my clock is a tickin' and your time is runnin' out, I want to tell you what I'm a-all about.I want the dress, the limo and the big church too,Cause if you truely love me then you'd say "I do".ChorusPut a ring on my finger,or I'm walking out the door.Put a ring on my fingerI'm not waiting any-moreSix long years'bout time you say I do.So put a ring on my finger or were through.

[aprildawn]

Thanks for takin' a look, and thanks for the feedback. Definitely food for thought. I actually went back and purposely added in the repetitious lines, because I got some feedback on some other lyrics that I needed more repetition. Guess I need to work on finding a happy medium. I actually wrote this song for my best friend. She and her boyfriend have been together about 6 and half years. They started dating about a month before my husband and I got married. Gotta ask, though, 6 years??? Baby??? Where IS the ring 53mph?

[53mph]

It's like that isn't it.One person says 'need more repetion', another person says 'too much'. A lot of it's subjective.I try to evaluate opinions based on what merits the person giving me the advice has.For example, if someone who writes really mediocre lyrics tells me that I need to add something, or make a drastic change, I will take it with a pinch of salt. If someone I can see writes some pretty good lines tells me something, I might just take it on board.Now, I don't know in which catagory I fall...I'll leave that decision up to you.My main gripe with the song was there was no build up to the 'marry me or I'm off' theme. It just dove straight in there, which mean't there was nowhere for it to go from there. Just holding back in the first verse (I suggest swapping verses for this reason) makes the build up a touch more gradual and ultimately the chorus more gratifying.As for why I don't marry my girlfriend of 6 years, I'm not religious, so I don't want to say vows in a church that I don't belive in. I am, in fact, getting her a diamond ring this Saturday and we're looking into a civic wedding, but I live in Italy (land of Chatholicism) it's not that easy. As for babies. I worked in schools for 1 year, my sister has 2 kids, that was enough for me.....I hate kids....I don't know why people want them.....give me dogs anyday, they have better manners.

[donmartin]

Hey April----------------------------------------------------------------------quote -I hate kids , I don't know why people want them ..... give me dogs any day ,,,,,,,-----------------------------------------------------------------------I'm glad his parents didn't feel that way , we'd miss him around here . Okay , the lyric . The female subject has valid reason to feel as she does , it's a theme many can relate to (which is good) , but the tone (as written) really strikes out as a demanding "ultimatum" -- and while effective in that way , it also detracts and eliminates listener support for her (no one likes ultimatums) .If you could find a balance by winning support for her within the verses -- you'd get away with her stand in the chorus much better -- and I'd avoid mention of "six years" -- so as to make it more universal for all women who have waited various numbers of years . I know this is a quick and lame example , but -I want more out of life don't want a boyfriend .been your title too long no longer want to pretend .a courtship with meaningusually comes to an end .I just wanna move on ..why can't you comprehend -If she first wins majority support -- she'll be seen as being entitled to her demanding attitude -- as a sort of "hey , wake up" call .Just another opinion April -- Don

[bobbyjoe]

Well written lyric, April. Enjoyed it.