Request for comments

[deantaylor]

Hey Chris,This is a nice, pleasant song. I enjoyed it. But for an artist pitch in today's world, I'd probably just move on to another song (or like mentioned above, shorten verses and try to get a killer hook for the chorus). Maybe use this one as a film/tv song someday.Dean

[Casey H]

HiI may not have read everyone else's comments in detail but here is my reaction on first listen... Great groove, great energy, lots of potential ... BUT (OK here it comes), there just isn't any differentiation that makes the chorus jump out. I think this song is very much worth saving , possibly by collaborating. There is no melodic lift or other change-up that makes the chorus work. For example, maybe you can have higher notes in the chorus, rhythm change, etc... You could also try to get to the chorus just a touch sooner. Also, you do a repeat on the last line of the chorus ("perfect day" line) in Chorus 1 that you could save for the end of the song. When you go to the minor chord in the middle of the verse, I'm not sure if it wouldn't be better to return to the root chord... You'd have to try it.Save this song! Don't give up! Casey

[clonsberry]

Okay.. I FINALLY had a chance to rework this. I could easily cut the first and second verse in half. I may have trimmed 3% of substance but I dumped about 60% fat. I wanted to keep 3/4 of the last verse but thought an 8 line 3rd verse would be too odd. AND.. if I took half of it and used it for a bridge, it would give be a musical break.There were some comments about the chorus not standing out. I wasn't really sure what to do with it. It's not that I'm not willing to change it but this has been a song for so long that I can't seem to hear it any other way. So.. I resorted to trickery. Not sure if it helped or hindered. I held the minor chord going into the chorus to, not only give it some space from the verse, but also build some tension. Added the harmony to give it a different vocal texture.As I was recording the vocals, I changed "won't be coming back again" to "going back again" since that whole verse was past tense and if I was already at my destination, I wouldn't be 'coming' back to my origin. Of course, as I was posting, I started looking at tense throughout and I think the best way to clean it up is to change "I'll be" to "I've been" as noted. I think that makes the rest of the tense very workable.Dropped the repeated "at the end of another perfect day" from all but the last chorus.I dug out the original version and the song has gone from 6:19 to 3:47. Commercial or not, I think it's a much more solid work and I'm much happier with it. Of course, I'm open to any more suggestions. And if this would fit into a genre, I'd be interested in knowing what to look for. Obviously, if there are any listings for "medium bar songs wanted a la Jimmy Buffet. Looking for album cuts and we'll pretty much take what we can get", then I'm possibly in.Finally, I know I at least want to go back and redo the acoustic guitar to try and make it a little warmer.Down On The Marina (version 3)Chris Lonsberry - 2007An old man passed me on the sidewalkHe said get away while you still canHe told me that my life was waitingIn a distant.. in a distant foreign landSomethin' 'bout down on the marinaWatching ships sailing awaySittin' in an oceanside cantinaAt the end of another perfect daySirens screaming in the distanceSeemed the walls were closing inAnd so I bought a one way ticketAnd I won't be.. won't be going back againI'll be I've been down on the marinaWatching ships sailing awaySittin in an oceanside cantinaAt the end of another perfect dayI could go back to the things I left so behindBut I just can't seem to find a reason whyBeen down here so many years nowLeft that crazy life behindWatchin waves come and go like the days that slip awayIt's a permanent vacation state of mind

[dogsincars]

Quote:Down On The Marina (version 3)[/url]Chris Lonsberry - 2007An old man passed me on the sidewalkHe said get away while you still canHe told me that my life was waitingIn a distant.. in a distant foreign landSomethin' 'bout down on the marinaWatching ships sailing awaySittin' in an oceanside cantinaAt the end of another perfect daySirens screaming in the distanceSeemed the walls were closing inAnd so I bought a one way ticketAnd I won't be.. won't be going back againI'll be I've been down on the marinaWatching ships sailing awaySittin in an oceanside cantinaAt the end of another perfect dayI could go back to the things I left so behindBut I just can't seem to find a reason whyBeen down here so many years nowLeft that crazy life behindWatchin waves come and go like the days that slip awayIt's a permanent vacation state of mindHey Chris, Looks like you trimmed 'er down quite nicely... from 6 to 3 - dang! I won't bother tryin' to find what's missing since I'm hearing what seem to be the best parts, and at half their original length... your lyrics still tell a good story - not an easy task, well done!This version is a stronger song all around and the chorus has much more presence with the added harmonies. The only remaining snag, IMO, would be the bridge. Its feels a bit cut-N-paste... and the only reason I could come up with is that you're vocals are ending on the word "why" in a flat line position.I'm thinkin' maybe the phrase " ... can't seem to find a reason why " should ascend or descend before you move into your git solo. An obvious rise would be my preference... as it would bring you into a higher register thus adding a bit more vocal texture to the song. ...also, this should fix the transition between your bridge and git solo as well. So them are my thoughts... all the best Randy... on second thought. I think its fine as is.

[smaltonian]

GREAT TUNE MAN......Some songs just inherently have no lift and thats ok if u have the other elements......The best advice came from AUB DELANE...."I was trying so hard to be current, that I was losing who I am as a musician".....GREAT.......GREAT words....PRICELESS\Do what you do cause no one else can do itExcellent work and re-work

[rick]

Hey you have a good concept for a song here.I believe your verse melody is much stronger than your chorus.The chorus melody needs to be completely re-written so it jumps out and grabs you.And lyrically the chorus sounds like the title should be ANOTHER PERFECT DAY.But don't get me wrong the verse melody is excellent and the overall feeling of the song musically is very upbeat.The song is a bit lengthy.I suggest scrapping all but the last 2 lines of the third verse and turning those lines into a bridge.That's the great thing about this place.Ask for comments and were not shy about giving them.Hope this helps.

[geo]

Hey Chris, nice rewrite!!! This songs flows nice now and has some really nice vocal imagery. I agree with Randy's point about the break vocal rising into the solo and I would suggest a bigger, distinctive fill in the turn around section (is that new? I likey) before the chorus, which would work as queue going into the chorus. Good job, maybe a TV/Movie listing? Geo

[clonsberry]

Thanks to everyone for your comments and suggestions. I think I'm going to pursue the bridge melody changes. And, after listening to it a few more times, I think I'm going to do two other things.. first, change the solo to acoustic. The electric sticks out like lime green on a pink tie. It's just.. abrupt at best. Second, I think I'm also going to try and work a melodic hook in between the verse lines with said acoustic guitar. Nothing fancy.. just something to poke up through the holes.As far as using it for TV/film, that would be great but I don't have any confidence that it would make it thru the screeners. Those listings are usually looking for exceptional vocals, production, etc. Although, I can only think of a handful of artists that this would even be right for and I haven't seen them in any Taxi listings yet. Maybe this is the point where I go for the custom critique and ask them if and where it fits.

[ncc1701]

Just a quick note here - I think the problem with the chorus not standing out is because the length (and the direction) of the lyric and melodic phrase is the SAME in nearly every line of the verse AND the chorus. To make the chorus sound different to the Average Listener, you should vary the rhythm in one or the other - hold out some notes, take the melody up to the next harmonic line where currently you've got it heading down, etc. Something like that. Hard to do when you've worked with it so much already, I know, but that would definitely make a difference in MY ears.Otherwise, 'sreally cool.Kathleen