She's Already Gone - Revised

[mikeShort]

Thanks for your comments. I've taken them to heart and rewritten She's Already Gone. Here it is. What do you think?:

http://www.2lateonline.com/music/She%27 ... 20Gone.mp3

and the revised lyrics:

She's Already Gone
by Michael B. Short © 2012

On the ceiling shadows run
As the cars pass by outside
She cries herself to sleep
One too many times
He tries the same old lies
And now he turns away
And pulls the covers up
But the cold is deep inside

Pre-Chorus
He's sure she'll be there
When ever he needs her
But he's never been so wrong

Chorus
He's got his Lexus and his blondes
He's got his station stocks and bonds
His reputation his suits and his Dom Perignon
But she's already gone

When morning comes two ghosts
Glide from room to room
Never see each other
In their upscale tomb
Once they danced together
Now they drift alone
The music just a memory
That can't cut through the gloom

Pre-chorus

Chorus

Bridge
He walks in
And the house is dark
And the stove is cold
And the closet empty
Nothing on the mantle
Nothing on the floor
Empty little table
Inside the empty doorway

Outro
Already gone
He's never been so wrong
Already gone
He's never been so wrong
She's already gone

[Len911]

Mike, I like the music alot. The lyrics seem disconnected at times. If she's already gone why is she still there in both the first and second verses? The first verse should probably tell us why she left, but it's a little hard to follow with shadows on the ceiling and cars outside which is distracting, then we go to crying and lying. The first three lines in the chorus seem to be a different song. The last line of the chorus seems to go after the last line of the prechorus. I like the bridge, it is coherent and paints a clear image, it almost seems like it would make a great first verse to get us hooked in the song and wanting to know more. The second verse could almost be the bridge in the past tense, "they used to be like two ghosts...." "He walks in and the house is dark" from the bridge would make a more compelling beginning of the song imo than "On the ceiling shadows run as the cars pass by outside." I don't know if "rearranging" someone's song is as taboo as re-writing it or not,lol! I guess maybe the second verse should say why she left. It probably doesn't sound like it, but I think your song has a lot going for it.

[burpo]

I think I get what you're doing.
They are still physically there but
she's already checked out emotionally.

I don't think the lyrics are perfect but I think I get the gist.
It sounds like Richard Thompson doing a take on "Lyin' Eyes."

Good job.

[Len911]

oh, ok, well then cancel last,lol

[draktar]

Hey there,

I really liked the guitar especially the intro. I also like the idea behind the song lyrically!

jason