Shrimp-Fried Rice

[nomiyah]

Like the unusual title? This is on my new CD but if there's anyone you can imagine singing it, let me know.SHRIMP FRIED RICE(Words & music by Nomi Yah © 2002 ASCAP)You’re the only one who really really really checks for me.Most people don’t even get close enough to even get next to me.You write me a rhyme. You find me the time. You’re never too vexed with me.You write me a poem. You follow me home. You know how to flex with me.When I’m hungry, you spend your money, buy a shrimp-fried rice for me.When I’m sick with a fever, you get a lemon-squeezer, mix sugar, water and ice for me.When I’m lonely, you call on the phone and the tone of your voice is nice to me.When I’m getting unsure, you’re giving encouragement, good advice to me. If I was in Paradise, I would be home.I would be holding you, I would be holding you now.You’re surprising me when you detail, vacuum, wash and gas my car.You’re surprising with a Sobe and an orange-chocolate bar.You’re satisfied, don’t want me to change. You like the way things are.In your eyes, I’m a superhero, diva and a superstar.You super-size and tantalize me with a shopping spree.You personalize and customize my name with embroidery.When people outside us try to divide us because of jealousy,When they try to bribe us, you take my side. They can’t take you away from me.If I was in Paradise, I would be home.I would be holding you, I would be holding you now.You’re an individual who can’t be defined, can’t be denied.You’re ever so loyal, never ignore me, keeping me by your side.Though people may think whatever they think, I know I’m your bona fide.Whenever we part, I know in my heart we’ll again and again collide.You’re an independent who can’t be controlled. You’re wild inside.If people just knew you like I know you, they would be surprised.Who cares about them? You and I are best friends. In one another we confide.I prayed, God responded. How we’re bonded has me mystified.If I was in Paradise, I would be home.I would be holding you, I would be holding you now.www.nomiyah.com

[53mph]

Hi Nomiyah,Sorry for taking soooooo long to write anything about your lyrics. I mean't to write something ages ago but never got round to it.Well, here goes:The most glaring thing for me is that every line in the entire first verse ends with 'me'.Now, I don't have a problem with that...in fact I kind of like the repetition. It starts to sound like a mantra. The problem for me is that in the second and third verses' that idea goes out the window.Why not end all the lines in the second verse with 'you' and then all the lines in the third verse with 'us' (or ''we' so as to build a relationship with the first verse), then you'd have a whole concept for the song structure which could get pretty intense.I like the kooky imagery in the first and second verses but the third gets a little too sincere for my liking in contrast with them. Is there a way of keeping that kooky feel but expressing exactly the same sentiment?'I'd stand under a tree in a storm just to be with you'I'd swim the Mississippi wearing alligator slippers just to be with you'That kind of thing perhaps?After the energy of the verses, the chorus doesn't do it for me.I think that needs a rethinking.Just my humble thoughts. Take them or leave them.

[hookstownbrown]

Hi Nomi,Adding my two cents, I'd strongly suggest changing the title to 'I Would Be Holding You'.When the verses in a song convey a well defined message, the best titles are always ones that encompass or otherwise resolve that message. In this lyric, your message is really well done -- clear, simple and immediately understood. I would take advantage of that hook/line! Nice work!

[nomiyah]

53, Thanks for the comments. The rhyme isn't "me", it's "checks for me/next to me/vexed with me/flex with me" and then "rice for me/ice for me/nice to me/advice to me". I didn't continue that in the other verses because I didn't want to be overly repetitious.Hookstown, the reason I called it "Shrimp Fried Rice" (not "I Would Be Holding You" or "If I Was In Paradise") is because it is so original. The title catches your attention right away and is memorable. I know it doesn't follow the rules of having the title found in the chorus.Nomi

[hookstownbrown]

I understand your logic and I have done the same thing with titles. I'm just passing advice on to you that I've gleaned from the pros over the years...

[53mph]

Hey Naomi, I didn't say that I thought 'you' was the rhyme. But as it ends every line in the first verse it becomes a pretty dominant feature of the song. If you didn't want to be overly repetitive then I'd suggest breaking it up a bit in the first verse as well as in the others.I agree with Hooks on a business (Taxi crit) level but also agree with Naomi. For me, if there is a line or phrase in a song that stands comletely out from the rest of the lyrics, has a magical element, then it could make a great title....and the title alone can grab attention."Shrimp-fried rice" is an infinitly stronger title than "I would be holding you" but this also re-inforces the fact that the chorus is a bit weak.Just some thoughts.

[nomiyah]

That's a legitimate comment that the chorus is less interesting than the verses. Musically I was going for contrast by making the verses very wordy and then making the chorus very simple. But I certainly don't want the contrast to be interesting versus boring. Thanks for your thoughts.