Soldier's Prayer

[inngr8]

No need to sugar coat it, I'm guessing you DON'T like the song? In spite of the negative review, I appreciate you taking the time and effort to critique something you so obviously found distasteful. I could explain my point of view, and address all of the points you made, but I'm guessing that your mind is made up, and I would be wasting both our time. I'll admit in today's political climate, this is a volatile topic to write about, and people probably won't be in the middle - it's gonna be a love/hate thing. Like any other art form, song seeks to provoke thought and emotion, and it looks like the lyric may have accomplished that, at least in part. Fortunately, very few people in the general listening population dissect for song content at the apparent visceral level that you do. But it's also a good thing there are a few people like yourself willing to say what they feel, and step on toes - keeps the rest of us well grounded.Once again - a sincere Thank You for reading and sharingPhil

[matthoggard]

Its the classic soldier's dillema.The combat soldier is torn between missing home and wanting to be with the family and leving their buddies out in the weeds.I like the story. It does touch on some morally questionable issues. I have a friend who recently re-upped to go to afghanistan. HE"S 42!! Been outta the army for 5 years. When he saw how badly non-coms were needed he didnt think twice. He also thought of how he could get the college money for his 12 year old daughter. Sounds like a death wish but after listening to him explain why hes going back, I had nothing but ultimate respect for this guy.He didnt want to leave his family but he fely duty bound to help younger recruits and NON-COMS with his own combat experience.Talk about sacrifice. Guys like him are an inspiration.M~

[Casey H]

Nov 13, 2008, 10:18am, inngr8 wrote:This was one of the first songs I penned - I've revised it once already, and think I might be close to a finished form, but would like any thoughts you all might be willing to contribute. BTW - all my song titles are just so I can keep the songs cataloged - if you think I should call them something else please say so - other that a "feel" about the song, they are completely arbitrary in most cases.Soldiers’ Prayer (revised)V1Didn’t want to go easy anywayBut it woulda been nice to meet my sonI’ll hate being in ground that ain’t my ownI’ll take comfort knowin’ I won’t be aloneAnd I’m sure 5,000 miles awayAs they’re rising up to greet the dayThat they’re all thankfulGod I praySomeone is thankfulV2Lost a lot of good men the first time hereVolunteered to come back within the yearI made a commitment to my flagAnd a promise to brothers in the sandLeft a family at home – an unborn sonNo last requests… well, maybe oneDon’t let him followIn my shoes, GodMake the world peaceful?V3I think I see the stars are coming outOr maybe it’s my vision getting dimGive anything to make just one more callTo share a little love, there’s more to giveWish that I could be there with youBut it’s not going to happen…Tell her I love herGODLet her know that I love herI wasn’t sure it needed a chorus – but I guess that would be very untraditional. Not sure VCVCV is the best way without knowing the music. I realize the words might be difficult to sing because the verses aren’t formatted identically – if at all possible, I want to avoid rewrites on the verses. I’ll consider redoing the chorus, but after I wrote it I really liked it. VVCV maybe even VVVC if that can be done. I’m sure whatever placement you come up with will be best. And… I’ll rewrite if I have to, I just think I might have gotten this one right this time. ChorusLet us spill bloodFor the last timeLet us fightNot in angerWhen we meetOn thatFar HorizonLet it beWith open handsFor we have spilled bloodFor the last time.Hi PhilFirst, applause for putting your first work out there. Forums like this one are the way to get very valuable feedback. Everyone starts somewhere.Next, a lot comes down to what your objective is with the song. I'm sure you know that personal poetry and expression are not the same as commercial songwriting. There are no rules or 'bounds' with personal expression. Something non-commercial might work well at a poetry reading or get kudos from friends and family.As far as commercial:I don't think the subject here, especially not as heavy-handed (e.g. blood spilled) would make for a commercial song. It's not impossible, but most successful songs are about those common things like love & relationships even if that does seem boring at first (say it in a unique way and you've got it). I'm sure songs about a soldier dying and his last words has been done before anyway. No publisher will get very excited about this as is. Possibly, a soldier tribute as a specialty song could have a niche, but probably would need to be a bit lighter.A couple of things struck me. One is you asked if it needed a chorus. That question said a lot. YES, it needs a chorus and that needs to be a "focal point", something you keep coming back to as what you want the listener to keep hearing in their head. You should think about VCVCVC or VCVCBC structures.There are VVV songs that are successful but they are much smaller in number, especially today. And if you went that way you would need each V to end with the same 'tag' line, making that your hook (Dylan's "The Times They Are A Changin", "Gentle On My Mind", etc)... What you have here is very unfocused. Songs need a focal point... the hook.Something that might be a bit debatable and also disappointing is if you have to explain your lines, they probably aren't working. Today, things tend to be very direct... I was referring to "go easy" but it looks like you already took that out. I joke (as a rock guy) that I wish it were the 60's again and people were sitting around discussing (while stoned) what my song was really about, LOL... Don't give up or even give up on this song. You could continue to write about the subject but use it as songwriting practice-- song form, lyrics, hook, etc. Make it the best song it can be and you'll get something out of the experience. HTH Best, Casey

[squids]

Hi Phil!Loved the line "didn't wanna go easy anyway' as an opening salvo (so to speak! ) He's a rare guy though, nobody else I know wantsta go that way. I too have known many soldiers who've re-upped out of survivor guilt, commitment, loyalty. I was raised in the military so maybe that gives me a leg up on this stuff. Anyway, here's my thinkin' based on case's comments up above:If you're reaching for a commercial venue (radio, whatever), I guess you could follow case's advice and throw a chorus in there. If, however, you're writin' a song for a smaller audience who'll appreciate you not dumbin' down the lyrics or boxin' them up to look like a bunch of other songs out there (sigh), I say stick with the first version. Either way, you've got somethin' here and I appreciate you postin' it. I know it can seem a bit like ridin' the mad dog the first few times we post stuff for opinions but you get used ta it.

[Casey H]

Hey, Squids, You're not getting those sweet lil' tentacles in a knot now, are you? I hope I expressed myself well that it all comes down to one's objective. Commercial is not the same as that "smaller audience", personal pleasure, etc. And the line with "go easy" might be OK or even great... the comment was more general-- the more you have to explain, the less commercial, for better or worse.I don't listen to country radio, so up-front I have to say take me with a slight grain of salt. My comments are based on reading, listening and observing here and elsewhere for a few years.I think we have to distinguish between (1) our opinions on the state of commercial music and (2) the reality of what it would take today for commercial success-- e.g. get a publisher interested, a forward, etc. Also, an artist has a little more leeway to say, "screw them, I'll do it my way" than a non-performing songwriter. Reality does suck sometimes, but it IS reality. Casey