Soldier's Prayer

[inngr8]

This was one of the first songs I penned - I've revised it once already, and think I might be close to a finished form, but would like any thoughts you all might be willing to contribute. BTW - all my song titles are just so I can keep the songs cataloged - if you think I should call them something else please say so - other that a "feel" about the song, they are completely arbitrary in most cases.Soldiers’ Prayer (revised)V1Didn’t want to go easy anywayBut it woulda been nice to meet my sonI’ll hate being in ground that ain’t my ownI’ll take comfort knowin’ I won’t be aloneAnd I’m sure 5,000 miles awayAs they’re rising up to greet the dayThat they’re all thankfulGod I praySomeone is thankfulV2Lost a lot of good men the first time hereVolunteered to come back within the yearI made a commitment to my flagAnd a promise to brothers in the sandLeft a family at home – an unborn sonNo last requests… well, maybe oneDon’t let him followIn my shoes, GodMake the world peaceful?V3I think I see the stars are coming outOr maybe it’s my vision getting dimGive anything to make just one more callTo share a little love, there’s more to giveWish that I could be there with youBut it’s not going to happen…Tell her I love herGODLet her know that I love herI wasn’t sure it needed a chorus – but I guess that would be very untraditional. Not sure VCVCV is the best way without knowing the music. I realize the words might be difficult to sing because the verses aren’t formatted identically – if at all possible, I want to avoid rewrites on the verses. I’ll consider redoing the chorus, but after I wrote it I really liked it. VVCV maybe even VVVC if that can be done. I’m sure whatever placement you come up with will be best. And… I’ll rewrite if I have to, I just think I might have gotten this one right this time. ChorusLet us spill bloodFor the last timeLet us fightNot in angerWhen we meetOn thatFar HorizonLet it beWith open handsFor we have spilled bloodFor the last time.

[plaincountry]

I like the sentiments expressed in the song, but for some reason it feels disconnected. Does the soldier want no more war, to be with his family, to be with comrades, or does he want others to be thankful? (All are justifiable and important) The song mentions all of these, but none truly have a strong connection to the proposed chorus. Just my opinion, but I think the song might benefit if it were more narrow in its scope. On the other hand, maybe if these were the stories of several soldiers who nobly serve with good intentions, but ultimately die in battle, your listener might recognize the tragedy of war, and be ready to sing along with you in the chorus in your cry to end war. I'm not sure you accomplish that at this stage of the song.Also, the first line confuses me. "go" where? To battle? To die? And is it "in" ground or "on ground that ain't my own."I don't like being so negative, but I think you want us to be honest about the impression the song makes on us as individuals. Others may, however, may feel differently.Take care,Steve

[motomyrtle]

Phil, I love the sentiment, the story and the point you're trying to make here. If this is were to become a traditional county song, it would have to be more conversational. I was actually rewriting it in my head as I was reading - tons of potential with this one. I can tell that it pulls on your heart, but it just needs to pull a little harder on the heartstrings to get everyone else to that place emotionally.I'd be happy to try and give you some rewrite ideas and send them to you in a PM. Cheryl

[inngr8]

I intended this as a soldiers' last thoughts while dying. "Go easy" is actually parapharased from the Dylan Thomas poem - "Do not go gentle into that good night", also about considerations of death. I certainly don't intend the song as being anti-war, and if that is how it's coming across, I need to take another look at it. I can spell it out as "die easy", but I honestly think it is implied and more poetic the way it is. Not to say I won't change it if that is the best for the song. I also don't see patriotism as all that altruistic as death in combat is approaching. I know my mind has run thru a whole series of emotions and thoughts, as my life was "flashing" before my eyes. He is making the ultimate sacrifice and hopes, perhaps selfishly, that it doesn't go unnoticed. In v2 he is thinking about brothers in arms, and wants more for a son never met, again maybe hoping that a "more perfect world" would afford his son that opportunity. His last thoughts are of his wife, his one true love. The chorus was an after thought and I may have gotten it wrong. Again, not intended as anti-war. My thoughts here were that having died in battle, that will not be asked of them again, and even enemies might be greeted as brothers. Maybe I should find a way to spell that out.Now I think of it "Didn't want to die peaceful in my bed" isn't too abrupt and gets the point across. Do you see the chorus or even a bridge as the cornerstone to tie all of this together? I wrote the song, but I LIKE it was well and if it ever gets put to music I would like to make sure it is understood, and not too cryptic. It's "IN the ground" in v1, meaning he will probably lay where he dies, taking his enemies with him, not being alone in that respect.Thanx for reading it and taking the time to comment. I will take a more critical look, and hopefully get some more advice, then work to make it better in the rewrite.Phil

[inngr8]

Cheryl,I must have been replying at the same time you were - yes, please send any thoughts, looks like I might be needing help with this one . Even in it's unfinished form, and being the one that wrote it, sometimes when I read it I still get misty eyed. And I wrote this back in Feb.Phil

[motomyrtle]

I'll be glad too. I know from my own writing experiences, there are songs that still overwhelm me. Sometimes they are the most difficult to rewrite because they usually begin with pen to the paper without a thought to purpose. The lyric just seems to have flowed out of nowhere to the page bringing the full emotion to bear with each word.cheryl

[plaincountry]

I didn't read it as an "anti-war" song. I certainly got the idea that you were holding up the soldier in high esteem. I thought you might be saying that war is horrible regardless of what is at stake and that real people lose precious moments, loves, and lives.Definitely eager to see you come with, if you decide on a rewrite. I love any song that honors the sacrifice that our men and women make in service of our country.Steve

[inngr8]

First revision based on some suggestions - too tired to tackle the chorus yet. Please let me know if this clarifies, streamlines, is even in the ball park of what you were recommended or had concerns about.Soldiers’ Prayer (revised)V1Didn’t want to go easy anyway (didn’t wanna die peaceful in my bed) or (didn’t wanna die peaceful as I slept)But it woulda been nice to meet my sonI’ll hate being in ground that ain’t my own (If they bury me in Ground that ain’t my own)I’ll take comfort knowin’ I won’t be aloneAnd I’m sure 5,000 miles awayAs they’re rising up to greet the dayThat they’re all thankfulGod I praySomeone is thankfulV2Lost a lot of good men the first time hereVolunteered to come back within the yearI made a commitment to my flagAnd a promise to brothers in the sandLeft a family at home – an unborn sonNo last requests… well, maybe oneDon’t let him follow (if he chooses to follow)In my shoes, God Make the world peaceful? (could you watch over?)V3I think I see the stars are coming outOr maybe it’s my vision getting dimGive anything to make just one more callTo share a little love, there’s more to giveWish that I could be there with youBut it’s not going to happen…Tell her I love herGODLet her know that I love her

[ontariolightning]

So he volunteered to come back, left his family at home and an unborn son?I'm not sorry, I don't feel any sympathy for the singer but I feel it for the familyand most of all the unborn child, we may have differing opinions but that's heartless to meit's one thing to be forced to do it and hope you don't die to raise your child butto volunteer for it while your wife is pregnant with your unborn childI don't want to hear this country, flag, pride b.s, he has a responsibility to raise his familyNot to shoot people in a foreign land and then pray to god, don't let him follow in my shoes..So he knew he wasn't setting a good example in the first place if he didn't want him to follow in his shoes and fight for the countryBut people seem to like these types of songs so I'd say to continue to shape itTake care man

[ontariolightning]

Also check out Colin Rayes, A soldiers prayer, it's been done already it seems, probably more than once too, but if you're not aiming for commercial it should be fine