Stickin our neck out......Comic Book Ending

[che]

Hey all,Haven't posted in peer to peer for awhile...so here it goes. I see there's been a bit more action around here so I'm gonna put a song up for disection. This is my son's (17) first full attempt at a rock song. He usually stays in the Urban and instrumental arenas. He wrote the lyrics and did the music. His dad might have helped with the bass or somewhere in the song, can't remember off the top of my head.He doesn't consider himself a singer, this would not be for an artist pitch. Comments on the vocals are welcomed, but not necessarily useful other than if you think he can pull off a demo or should he get someone else to sing it for him. It is NOT a final mix. He still wants to add something more melodic in the music and a bridge. So tell me what you think it needs or doesn't need and I will pass the info along. Sorry for the link to myspace, but that's they only place he's posted it so far.http://myspace.com/beatsbyitaly song #6 Comic Book Endingtrying to disable the youtube autoplay, no luck yet so you will have to stop the audio in the video that's loading. Here are the lyrics:Comic Book Ending (Tadjh Brooks)Verse 1It bites me in the ass when people askIs that your girlfriendand have the nerve to sayWell, it should beI play if off slowlike I really don't know whywe aren't together, somekind of mystery yeah, yeahhhhPre-chorusShe's the one with a boyfriend, whileI'm the one who knows whyShe thinks it's loveBut it's only cause he's her typeChorusAll the good girls are takencause he robbed me once againI just wanna comic book endingbut the bad guys alway winI'm such a loser at lovingSo tired if only making friendsI just wanna comic book endingBut the bad guys always winI say....verse 2It really starts to ache whenever people saywe'd be a cute coupleHell no we won'tthat girl is full of gamesShe's in it for the thrillenjoying it unitl, he leavesshe's nieve,causethey always end the sameYeah, yeah...Pre-chorusShe's the one with a boyfriend, whileI'm the one who knows whyShe thinks it's loveBut it's only cause he's her typeBut damnit so am I ChorusAll the good girls are takencause he robbed me once againI just wanna comic book endingbut the bad guys alway winI'm such a loser at lovingSo tired if only making friendsI just wanna comic book endingBut the bad guys always winHe does have a bridge, but it's not recorded yet.... so I'll leave it off.Thanks ahead of time for your comments and suggestions. P.S. we are NOT thin skinned and will not be offended by your opinions Feel free to be honest.

[davekershaw]

Hey Che,Good to hear your son's first attempt.He needs to stop that YouTube clip autoplayingas it gets in the way of the music tracks.Not my genre, but I still appreciate what he's trying to sayin the song.It finished a bit sudden.He could stick a bridge in after that last chorus, then bring the chorus back in to finish.Well done Che junior!

[che]

Thanks Dave. I will tell him to look into the YouTube auto playing issue. I've gotten use to just stoppin it cause it can be annoying!!!Yeah it does just STOP. He wrote a bridge, but decided he wanted to rewrite it a bit so it's not on there right now. He does plan it add it back in and bring the hook back.

[cjdenecia]

the boy is 17 huh? and you're screening these comments to him?good.in a sentence - he's not ready to enter the realm of pop rock. why? cus it's his first attempt at this style and he doesn't really have a fabulous song here to pitch. it's a good first effort but it is what it is and he's not ready to play with the pros. or for that matter, with the seasoned amateurs. he'll be eaten up and spit out and it will more than likely, turn him off to keeping at it. which shouldn't happen.what he's done is create a song that has a credible melody with a story line and a structure that is decent by amateur standards. as a writer at age 17, that's not bad. in fact, it's good.I hope no one has built his hopes up too far yet ... I hope he's into the love of doing it and has no real interest in making it as a big and famous rock star. I hope he simply considers this his first song in this style and is ready to move on to song number 2 and 3 and 4 and ....few writers can truly and honestly believe they've hit paydirt this early on. he's gotta love the doing first. and frankly, he's gotta be ready to hear the honest truth about it. as gifted as he may be, if it was medicine that was his love, you wouldn't allow him to perform sugery without some practice and education would you? this isn't all that different.he's got some good stuff in his head and he has some talent. let it develop. let him explore ... explain that he might want to really dig deep into what moves him musically and try to learn the little things that make or break songs for him and put that into his work before he tries to enter a ruthless cut-throat industry.the one thing that ensures failure in this business is not having a great song. and he's not there yet.good luck to him, and to you for having to break that news in a fashion that will insure he keeps trying.

[che]

cj,Thanks for the relpy. I might have him read the replies. He's a big boy and can pull out what helps him be better. He gets daily doses of what we call betterism aka critisim. His dad is pretty hard to please. He's been playing guitar almost a year and is getting better by the day. He did this a few months back and hasn't got back to reworkin it. He's been pretty busy.He knows that it's not ready for prime time and believe me he has no aspirations of being a Rock Star. He had a brief desire to be a performer at 14 and quickly decided otherwise. He likes being behind he scenes. Not even sure he'll keep writing in this genre. I guess it's fun to try a rock song if you have an electric guitar I don't think anything you could say would discourage him because he's heard too much to the contrary. In his main genre(s) he rocks. He's already signed his first library deal, done the original soundtrack for an off broadway play, about to do another one, produced several up an coming artists yada yada yada and works daily at his craft. HE LOVES IT!!!! He cannot see himself doing anything else, so all I can do is guide and support him. He's applying to colleges for audio engineering as we speak.He likes to challenge himself with new things and this was one of them. Believe me, if you were to spend a few hours with him he would walk away with everything you showed him and might just give you a run for your money. He spent about 45 min the other day with his uncle who is a multi (7) nominated Grammy writer/ producer. 2 days later he let his uncle hear a song he did after their session. His uncle thought he had recorded him or brought in someone else to play. He had no clue that my son picked up his playing style etc... so quickly. He's a sponge. Of course I'm Mom, but if I thought he was out of his league I would gently (while pushing) encourage him to do something else.Thanks again for your opinion.