Taxi feedback at work...

[Carlsonscott]

Hi guys! Would love to hear your feedback on a song I recently rewrote on the back of some excellent taxi feedback.

Here's the original version of the song:
https://soundcloud.com/carlson-scott/way-back

I submitted this for a singer-songwriter listing and got a return with a review that I will bullet summarize as
(1) Lack of a "true" chorus (song structure not aligned with contemporary singer-songwriter)
(2) The hooks are too short and don't build.

And then there were some other points like the electric guitar was a distraction and didn't fit the singer-songwriter vibe etc.

So here's my rewritten and re-cut song:
https://soundcloud.com/carlson-scott/way-back-new

Would love to hear if you guys think this is more on the mark....

[RockChild56]

Hi Carlson,
I can't say much about if it is better now (through a screeners eyes).
FWIW I think you have a great Song. Very easy to listen to.
For me it might help to post the Lyrics so I can see what you are defining as a Chorus.

Good Luck,

EJB

[johnlewitt]

Hey Carlson,

The new version is definitely more contemporary, specifically the vocal treatment. While the first one is maybe more 90's?

It's a great tune, but I don't know if it has a killer hook. Now is that an issue? Only if you are submitting to listings that say they need a killer chorus!

Nice work.

John

[Carlsonscott]

Thanks for the quick feedback guys!

Here are the lyrics. The structure is still a little wonky

Verse
Come with me I’ll show you to
Feel a little sorry
Feel a little guilty you’ll see
Work we me I promise things will get better we’ll find a way back
Maybe you see what I see but you cant understand
Or maybe you felt what I feel and now you say you cant

Prechorus
Oh now it’s gotten so off track
I know there is always a way back

Chorus
The path to you, not straight
But I'm clutching the wheel, no brakes
Don't hold me back
We can't leave this like the way it is

Verse 2
And I live for this moment
We shake ‘till we’re steady
We fight ‘till we’re ready to leave
And I’ll take your word for it
I’ll give you that space and
I’ll fall in that trap 'cause
Maybe you see what I see but you cant understand
Or maybe you felt what I feel and now you say you cant

Prechorus
Oh now it’s gotten so off track
But I know there is always a way back

Chorus
The path to you, not straight
But I'm clutching the wheel, no brakes
Don't hold me back
If you believe that...

Bridge/outro sneak:
I do whatever you want me to

Verse 3
And I wait for an answer
We find a little peace
We find a little harmony
And I move from here
Cause now I feel better and cant go back
Maybe I see your new life and I cant understand
Or maybe I feel a new way and now you say you can't

Prechorus
Oh now its gotten so off track
Will I know if there’s ever a way back?

Chorus
The path to you, not straight
But I'm clutching the wheel, no brakes
Don't hold me back
If you believe that...

Bridge/outro
I do whatever you want me to
Well I did and now it’s a problem
I do whatever you asked me to
Well I did and look where it got us

And I can't
I cant go back

[andygabrys]

nice tune! nice re-write - the new chorus is def a lift over the old one.

Still sounds very much a demo as far the mix for me though. The arrangement could be pruned a little to have a little less in the verses and in the same way when more stuff comes in in the choruses, it will give more of a lift. also right before the 1st verse, there was a spot that was crying out for a band chord hit and hold. at 0:46.

my spider sense is also telling me that this is a sampled acoustic bass. Its sounding a little more active and not really "bass-player" like it could be. That might be taste, but with a tune like this its worthwhile to either get somebody to give you an acoustic bass line for real, or get some great samples (trillian is good, or http://www.orangetreesamples.com/coreba ... right-bass) and then work on the bass line so its really a foundation and not filing up the low end with runs. This will also hook in better with the drums that could be def be louder in the chorus.

my 2 cents.

[nick.moxsom]

Pretty song, and wow, what a beautiful voice (is that you?). Reminds me of S&G's Bookends.

Lots of lovely phrases, but it feels very ambling to me in terms of structure. Change up the instrumentation a little more and you'll have a stronger chorus, imho. Also consider whether some instruments could be half-time or double-time from verse to chorus AND vocal line lengths – how many syllables used and where each line starts on the bar. Basically, do all you can to change it up between verse and chorus – those screeners like it to be standard format and very obvious.

Refreshingly different, though, and really enjoyable. And look after that voice, man, that's killer.

Nick

[Kolstad]

To me this sounds very nice. Great vocals!

The feedback will have to depend on the intended use.
A singer/songwriter listing isn't specific enough. Is it for tv/movie, and artist pitch, or a&r for yourself as an artist?

If it's for a tv/movie scene, I think it's very good as is, because then you may not want a big chorus lift and too many hooks that will derail the attention to the scene. For that use, I think the lyrics works very well, and the music gives a nice romantic vibe a la Jack Johnson.

I would not consider submitting this for an artist at all. For that you need a lot of hooks to hold attention, and contrast-contrast-contrast which is not what this song is about, to my ears.

If you are submitting this to promote yourself, I would only do it in a batch of songs that can show your versatility ("hey, he can also do a great Jack Johnson!!").

So, be careful not to try to mould this into something it isn't. It's probably not a big hit song by todays standards, but it may work very well, tucked under a scene.

Just my opinion. People have been wrong on the Internet before

[Carlsonscott]

Deeply appreciate all the honest feedback and the kind words.

Andy: I will definitely still be in "demo" mode for some time. I'm still a beginner in my DAW and am taking the firehose of information one step at a time. I agree the arrangement loses momentum in spots and could have better contrast. I will experiment with the hold. And yet your spider sense is right on. I will definitely take a look at those samples. I've had that exact same commentary on the bass line from others. Could definitely use some help there.

Nick: Yes that is me singing and that is quite a comparison! Great feedback about creating the contrast. I already have some ideas of what I can do and will go to work.

Kolstad: This was for an artist pitch. Below was the listing. I think I can go to work and create more contrast in the chorus, and, without forcing something that's not there, elevate the sell. The referenced artists have their share of hook-driven songs, but the majority of their work doesn't rely on the in-your-face radio hook IMO, so I felt the song was appropriate. I could also be another wrong person using the internet

MOODY, MELANCHOLY, ACOUSTIC-BASED SINGER/SONGWRITER SONGS with Male Vocals are needed by a Grammy Award Winning Producer itching to find great songs for artists he's currently working with. Submit heartfelt Down-to-Mid-Tempo Songs that would instantly appeal to the fans of artists like Noah Gunderson, Damien Rice, A Great Big World, etc., etc., etc. Give him well-structured songs that deliver emotionally stirring melodies, coupled with an expressive lyric. Innovative melodic and lyrical hooks that pull listeners into the message of the song should work really well for this pitch. A super emotional vocal delivery will help get this amazing producer excited about cutting your song. Acoustic demos can work for this pitch, but your recording quality (even for stripped-down demos) needs to be clean, clear, and good enough to represent your song well. Fully produced demos are also welcomed, as always.

[PeterD]

Nice!

Nothing really to add … I agree the bass sounds mic’d acoustic (I’m assuming you want that thought?)

The first “We can’t leave this like the way it is” sounds a little forced (to me).

I like the key change, even though “TV/Film the industry” might not.


Other than that, it’s a big improvement.

Definitely kept my interest for the entire song.

Good stuff!!