The Drinkin's Not Over (Any feedback appreciated)

[LooknGlass]

Thinking of adding another verse to this, but having a slight block.



Ole lady left me, took the kids and car
Left me with the mortgage and my liquor jar
My bar stools layin where the couch once sat
Hell she even took my dog and left the damn cat.

I'm sure I'll be sad when I get sober
But that'll be awhile
The drinkin's not over

I found my pictures all over the floor
The half with her wasn't there no more
My coffee table's now an album crate
And a chewed up Frisbee's my dinner plate

I know I'll feel bad when I get sober
But that'll be awhile
The drinkin's not over

I know I had it comin
But I think she went too far
She pulled the plugs on my Chevy truck
Now I can't get to the bar.

I know I'll feel down when I get sober
But I've got a bottle
The drinkin's not over

Yea, I'll crawl back to her when I get sober
But that'll be awhile
The drinkin's not over

Yea, it'll be awhile
The drinkin's not over

©L. James Tanner

[inga]

Ole lady left me, took the kids and car
- my woman left me, took kids and car -

[LooknGlass]

Ole lady left me, took the kids and car
- my woman left me, took kids and car -

I appreciate the feedback inga, but in the south where my family is from, we call our wives our "Ole lady"

[simonsays]

Thinking of adding another verse to this, but having a slight block.

How about something like;

She left me my big screen tv
for no reason that I can see
no, she left a STICK IT note
Damn, she rooked the sole remote!



Ole lady left me, took the kids and car
Left me with the mortgage and my liquor jar
My bar stools layin where the couch once sat
Hell she even took my dog and left the damn cat.

I'm sure I'll be sad when I get sober
But that'll be awhile
The drinkin's not over

I found my pictures all over the floor
The half with her (wasn't weren't?) there no more
My coffee table's now an album crate
And a chewed up Frisbee's my dinner plate

I know I'll feel bad when I get sober
But that'll be awhile
The drinkin's not over

I know I had it comin (hard?)[I assume this is V3 ... but it uses a different rhyme scheme.]
But (I think)(this time?) she went too far
She pulled the plugs on my Chevy truck
Now I can't get to the bar. (Oh Fudge!)

I know I'll feel down when I get sober
But I've got a bottle
The drinkin's not over

Yea, I'll crawl back to her when I get sober
But that'll be awhile
The drinkin's not over

Yea, it'll be awhile
The drinkin's not over

©L. James Tanner

[BurtHK]

Hi LooknGlass

Think this is a great lyric Hook in the Chorus, but I am not really sure about 'the voice' of the Verses? If you are writing for commercial success, then I think you would be struggling to find an artist who would sing about his life destroyed by alcohol without any sign of reform?

You might feel that the irony (and I think that is what you are trying to do) should be self evident and makes it a cautionary tale. But its just a song competing in a market with other songs that clearly say 'I love/hate you or myself?'

You could make the circumstance in the Vs even more hopeless (perhaps even ridiculous), with some specific irony in the Ch 'The Drinkin's not over but maybe I am?'. Then you could possibly drop into a bridge section where the 'truth' dawns on the guy?

Perhaps keep the same Hook and go for something Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville style?

HTH

Burt

[LooknGlass]

Thanks guys, I am mulling over your advice. I know I need at least another verse. I will have a re-write soon I hope. Thanks for taking the time to comment.