Thunder and Lightning (demo added)

[mikeShort]

I coulda listened to Casey H right off the bat, but no. I got a custom critique of So He Can Do That, and the pro shared Casey's concern that the hook was way too mundane ... he called it anti-climactic. Also thought the guy in the hot car gets the girl and I don't care theme was a little too predictable and had been done to death.

So ... Here's a major revision, although for the most part, the verses are intact. I left the bridge in, and I think it still works, but I'm not as sure as I was. No new demo yet, so I'm just posting the lyrics. What say you, my friends?

Thunder and Lightning
by Michael B. Short © 2011

Friday sundown a light summer breeze
Me and Mary at the Tastee-Freeze
It's cruisin' night checkin' out the cars
All those boys all those hours
He comes to town howlin' down the road
In his Candy Apple Red GTO
Revs his engine at the traffic light
Pops the clutch he explodes into the night

A blind man can tell he's impressed with himself

Chorus
Thunder and lightning
Thunder and lightning
Storm sirens wailing
Nobody's safe from
Thunder and lightning

Thursday night and the midway's ablaze
The whole town's out for Heritage Days
Me and Mary strolling hand-in-hand
Ten minutes more I go sing with the band
He comes struttin' across the stage
Not one girl acts her age
The boy can sing a little bit
But I don't see why he's such a hit

Any fool can tell he's impressed with himself

Chorus

Bridge
Small town
Everyone knows
Everyone knows what everybody's doing
Small town
Everyone knows
So why was I so surprised

Monday morning and it tastes like rain
Sky nothin' fancy, just gray and plain
Awful quiet everyone home
Good day as any to spend alone
He left town howlin' down the road
In his Candy Apple Red GTO
Me and Mary got a wedding in May
We talk more since he went away

And I'll raise the kid like I was the Dad

Chorus

[FMstereo]

Hi Mike

Wow, that's quite a turnaround now, with a wedding and another man's child!!

I think the bridge needs to be tightened up a bit so the song doesn't feel too long.

Instead of:

Small town
Everyone knows
Everyone knows what everybody's doing
Small town
Everyone knows
So why was I so surprised

What about:

Small town
Everyone knows what everybody's doing
So why was I so surprised


Cheers

[Nick2012]

Mike,

"Monday morning and it tastes like rain".... I LOVE that line : )

I like the idea of comparing him to a storm blowing through. I'm just wondering if you should make it a little more obvious that T&L is indeed a metaphor for him. I think adding an additional line to the pre-chorus would help...

V1

A blind man can tell he's impressed with himself
As he rolls through town just like...

Chorus
Thunder and lightning
Thunder and lightning
Storm sirens wailing
Nobody's safe from
Thunder and lightning

V2

Any fool can tell he's impressed with himself
Electrifies the crowd just like...

Chorus
Thunder and lightning
Thunder and lightning
Storm sirens wailing
Nobody's safe from
Thunder and lightning

Also, for a good twist and climax, how about a slight change to the last verse, and a new final pre-chorus:

...
Me and Mary got a wedding in May
And the baby's kicking more every day

Until the baby's birth I was pretty impressed with myself
But the fire in his eyes hit me just like...

Chorus
Thunder and lightning
Thunder and lightning
Storm sirens wailing
Nobody's safe from
Thunder and lightning

[Casey H]

I coulda listened to Casey H right off the bat, but no. I got a custom critique of So He Can Do That, and the pro shared Casey's concern that the hook was way too mundane ... he called it anti-climactic.

If I only was half that smart regarding my own songs!!!

I'll check out your re-write in a bit...

[mikeShort]

Since I posted this, I've dumped the old bridge for a new one. The new bridge ...

Bridge
When it hit it was quite the storm
Too much flashing
Too much crashing
Tore up the whole home town

The last verse is moving back to Sunday morning. The original set up made it sound like it was a single weekend, but moving the second verse to Thursday takes care of that. And Sunday morning with everyone home works better. The lift out of the third verse (the pre-chorus) is now: "Gonna raise the kid like I was the Dad." This guy wouldn't say "lad" so it's not happening to support the rhyme. I'll deal with the near miss for character "purity."

The "everybody knows" bit in the bridge worked really well with the original chorus, which included "nothing here to see." Not so much with this one.

I like the "baby kicking" line.

I don't want the Thunder and Lightning to refer only to GTO boy, and the music for the pre-chorus is pretty well set (and the custom critique guy likes the music a lot until the bland chorus of the original. With a more targeted bridge, I have tried to establish that T&L is BOTH the GTO boy, and the scandal. It still is a scandal, right? At least, GTO boy hitting the road is a scandal.

But every time I argue with you guys, I change my mind later. So who knows ...

Today's version:

Thunder and Lightning
by Michael B. Short © 2011

Friday sundown a light summer breeze
Me and Mary at the Tastee-Freeze
It's cruisin' night checkin' out the cars
All those boys all those hours
He comes to town howlin' down the road
In his Candy Apple Red GTO
Revs his engine at the traffic light
Pops the clutch he explodes into the night

A blind man can tell he's impressed with himself

Chorus
Thunder and lightning
Thunder and lightning
Storm sirens wailing
Nobody's safe from
Thunder and lightning

Thursday night and the midway's ablaze
The whole town's out for Heritage Days
Me and Mary strolling hand-in-hand
Ten minutes more I go sing with the band
He comes struttin' across the stage
Not one girl acts her age
The boy can sing a little bit
But I don't see why he's such a hit

Any fool can tell he's impressed with himself

Chorus

Bridge
When it hit is was quite the storm
Too much flashing
Too much crashing
Tore up the whole home town

Sunday morning and it tastes like rain
Sky nothin' fancy, just gray and plain
Awful quiet everyone home
Good day as any to spend alone
He left town howlin' down the road
In his Candy Apple Red GTO
Me and Mary got a wedding in May
The baby's kicking more every day

Gonna raise the kid like I was the Dad

Chorus

[Casey H]

Thunder and Lightning
by Michael B. Short © 2011

Friday sundown a light summer breeze
Me and Mary at the Tastee-Freeze
It's cruisin' night checkin' out the cars
All those boys all those hours
He comes to town howlin' down the road
In his Candy Apple Red GTO
Revs his engine at the traffic light
Pops the clutch he explodes into the night

A blind man can tell he's impressed with himself

Chorus
Thunder and lightning
Thunder and lightning
Storm sirens wailing
Nobody's safe from
Thunder and lightning

Thursday night and the midway's ablaze
The whole town's out for Heritage Days
Me and Mary strolling hand-in-hand
Ten minutes more I go sing with the band
He comes struttin' across the stage
Not one girl acts her age
The boy can sing a little bit
But I don't see why he's such a hit

Any fool can tell he's impressed with himself

Chorus

Bridge
Small town
Everyone knows
Everyone knows what everybody's doing
Small town
Everyone knows
So why was I so surprised

Monday morning and it tastes like rain
Sky nothin' fancy, just gray and plain
Awful quiet everyone home
Good day as any to spend alone
He left town howlin' down the road
In his Candy Apple Red GTO
Me and Mary got a wedding in May
We talk more since he went away

And I'll raise the kid like I was the Dad

Chorus

Hey Mike
I’m not seeing good connection from verse to PC to chorus. I think to go with that general chorus about how nobody’s safe from thunder and lightning, you’d need for something to have HAPPENED in the verse. He already did x,y, or z or took the prettiest girl, stole everyone’s heart… something had to have happened…

I don’t think the “impressed with himself” line is buying you anything. Seems like a leftover from before.

So if you want a chorus like that, you have to re-write the verses to much better support it.

I actually liked your original idea better. It just needed something to hang your hat on for the chorus. Instead of “So he can do that”, something that ID’s the person and sums it up along the lines of “Johnny always wins” --- not those exact words but along those lines.

JMHO
Casey

[mikeShort]

You've definitely got me thinking, Casey. We'll see what happens next!

[Nick2012]

I can understand he's not the type to say "lad", but wouldn't you still want to convey it's a boy boy saying...

"Gonna raise the kid like I was his Dad"

The baby's kicking, so it can be assumed an ultrasound has revealed the gender.

Nick

[FMstereo]

Hi Mike

Good idea changing the time frame on this; seems a little more plausible over the week rather than just the weekend.

I really liked the changes to the pre-choruses proposed by Nick, but I understand you don't want to change your melody.

I also think it's a nice touch to reveal the sex of the baby, and as Nick suggested, just using the phrase "his Dad" works really well. "The Dad" sounds a little clunky to my ears.

Cheers

[mikeShort]

When you're doing this right, it sure feels like Whap-A-MoleTM.

Slept on it, listened to my friends, and now have this. I incorporated Nick's ideas for the pre-chorus bits to a certain extent, bought into knowing the sex of the baby. Why Whap-A-Mole? That pretty much trashed the bridge, so now there's a new bridge.

With your help, I would have to say it holds together much better now. Thank you.

And what have I come up with?

Thunder and Lightning
by Michael B. Short © 2011

Friday sundown a light summer breeze
Me and Mary at the Tastee-Freeze
It's cruisin' night checkin' out the cars
All those boys all those hours
He comes to town howlin' down the road
In his Candy Apple Red GTO
Revs his engine at the traffic light
Pops the clutch he explodes into the night

Such good weather who would have expected

Chorus
Thunder and lightning
Thunder and lightning
Storm sirens wailing
Nobody's safe from
Thunder and lightning

Thursday night and the midway's ablaze
The whole town's out for Heritage Days
Me and Mary strolling hand-in-hand
Ten minutes more I go sing with the band
He comes struttin' across the stage
Not one girl acts her age
The boy can sing a little bit
But I don't see why he's such a hit

Thinks he can do whatever he wants …. just like

Chorus

Bridge
I've seen a lot but I never knew
How much damage thunder and lightning could do

Sunday morning and it tastes like rain
Sky nothin' fancy, just gray and plain
Awful quiet everyone home
Good day as any to spend alone
He left town howlin' down the road
In his Candy Apple Red GTO
Me and Mary got a wedding in May
The baby's kicking more every day

Gonna raise the boy like I was his Dad
We'll see if the town can recover … from

Chorus