"Time" - Adriel

[adriel]

"Time"V1.Time it never planned to stay,but never seemed my foe until this day.Time why did you see fit to destroy all I am and all I'll ever be?V2.Memories like shells upon the shoreworn so thin in life, will time recall?All the storms left scars upon my past,a resounding fallacy "time heals all wounds."Ch.Some would say there should be no looking back,Can't judge the future without past.Tell me why does time hate me so, and in these years what will fill this void.So lost in myself forgotten all those whom I've loved.A fading light of a distant past I can't re-livethough there's no lack of wantingI've pushed away till there's nothing, nothing left...But my pain...talentmatch.com/adrielodell

[53mph]

You sound pretty down! But what beyond this are you trying to communicate? Who are you trying to communicate to? What person would want to listen to your pain?Basically, this reads more like poetry than lyrics.I personally think lyrics about pain and misery need a redeeming line or two to off-set the pain. If you're going to tell me your life is miserable then at least tell me WHY.Where's the detail? Why did you lose all your loved ones? Why are you alone?The story is probably much more interesting than the result. At the moment, no matter how beautifully you put it, you are basically saying "My life sucks"...and that's not interesting in itself. Just depressing This song makes me want to pull you up by the scruff of your shirt (or blouse) and shake you out of this stupor. Remember....no one likes a moaner.

[adriel]

I appreciate your views on my lyrics, however I think you may have missed the point that I meant to and/or did convey. I wrote this song while watching people I looked up to let their talent dwindle and pass with time. Never once did these people put forth effort to reach their full potential, but instead they blamed time. The lyrics portray an insider's view into this belief, and the growing realization that time is not the enemy.

[53mph]

Hi Adriel, I didn't get that meaning from these lyrics. At no point did I read anything about letting talent dwindle or not reaching full potential. Also, the song is written in the first person, and a person in that situation cannot pass that kind of judgement on themselves...perhaps if you wrote it from the point of view of an outsider talking to this person, pointing out this situation to them.I still think this reads more like poetry. I don't get any feeling of a growing realization because I don't see a change in the message from the beginning to the end. This reads more like some one trying to capture a feeling.I admit that I like the idea of refering to time as a person or catalyst. "Time is on my side" by the Rolling Stones being a good song to look at. But here your references to time are too vague to strike home. Perhaps think of refering to time as a person...."Time, why do you hate me so". "Time, I know you never planned to stay, but you didn't do any wrong until today".Phrases like "foe" and "see fit" "until this day" sound fine in poetry and Shakespear but in songs sound a bit pompous. Try to think of the last time you heard this kind of phrasing in a song. There's a reason why people don't use lines like this in songs, it doesn't communicate well to people anymore. As I said before, think of who you are trying to communicate to...do you listen to this kind of music at home yourself? This would make fine poetry....but lyrics aren't poetry.If I don't understand the story your trying to convey, is it my fault or yours?When I go to an art gallery I expect to have to read the blurb to understand the meaning. When I put on a record I don't expect to have to read any blurb to understand the lyrics.

[adriel]

53 mph, thanks again for your opinion. I am guessing we disagree because we share different taste in music, but that is fine. I listen to artists that pose a problem/question and leave it up to the listener to solve/answer the question, so it is not as uncommon as some might think.But again thank you for your input, and it is not wasted typing time.

[augustheat]

Adriel:I think 53 was probably a bit harsh, but yet offered a fairly constructive review. I too, feel this reads more like poetry. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. It depends on what you're shooting for. The reality is, maybe your lyric isn't finished yet. Thus, it's really hard to get a feel for where you're going. The idea is good, but lyrically, it needs some polishing; and that's okay.If this is a personal song, then there are no rules. If you're going to try and place this lyric through Taxi, it may not fly. That being said, it doesn't mean it's right or wrong. All of this is subjective. However, it's important to be open to feedback from others, especially if you're going to post it for comments. The music business can be harsh. If they don't like it, they'll be sure to let you know in two words or less. Although 53 may have come off cold, he/she is only trying to help, by offering their opinion. This is what you originally asked for. Your response of "we share different taste in music" is quite true for all of us.Frankly, I prefer playing my stuff for people who offer honest, but differing "opinions." I just might be missing something. The best part, is I can take it or leave it. Again, it's all subjective. Think about what 53 said about poetry vs. lyrics. Step outside of your own personal feelings (someone calling your baby ugly) and listen to it with an objective ear. How does it really read to you? Is there something to the poetry comments? Can you make subtle changes to bring the listener closer to your vision? Anyway, you get the idea.I wish you well in your writing endeavors!Blessings,

[53mph]

Hi August Heat, Yeah I may have come off a bit cold in my second reply.My first reply was left more light hearted and open to allow Adriel to think about the lyrics on his own but I'm afraid his response of "I think you may have missed the point that I meant to and/or did convey" rubbed me up the wrong way.It's too easy to blame everyone else for not understanding the wonderful story that you have in your head to accompany your lyrics, but if I'm not getting the story there is probably something wrong with the delivery.As you said, if this is a personal song then there are no rules. But like wise, if this is a personal song why post it for criticism? Why not keep it in a shoebox at the back of the wardrobe?I respect Adriels response and his committment to his own style (I read your bio bud ) but it's a sink or swim world. The proof of how successful your music is, is in how many listeners buy it. If you become a success then you've proved me wrong and good luck to you Try for a moment to detach your lyrics from the music as a whole. One of my favourite musicians is Jim O'Rourke. He's a fantastic musician...I love his solo stuff. I also know that if I detach his lyrics from the music they are rubbish. He can't write decent lyrics but he can write a melody...in this way the song carrys the poor lyrics. Look at your lyrics as lyrics detached from whatever song you may have in your head.1. What's your stucture?You start the song with the final words in each line rhyming (stay, day) and then this stops. Why? Don't start a structure you don't mean to commit to.2. Look at length of the lines. How many syllables in each line? This may seem petty but our ears are occustomed to listening to patterns (4/4, 3/4 beats), also in lyrical delivery. Think about starting a pattern and then sticking to it.3. The chorus should be our guiding light in understanding your song. I like the first two lines. "Some would say there should be no looking back,Can't judge the future without past."but the final line is a bit empty for me (scuz the pun, empty/void). Think of two lines as supporting each other. I like the first two lines because "looking back", "future without past" work well off each other.""Why..time hate me?" & "What..fill...void?" doesnt say anything to me. Two questions with no answer...no resolution.Is the second paragraph part of the chorus because the structure doesn't seem to flow well with the first part.Again, look at the length of lines. Look at the number of syllables.Think of structue. Even poetry has structure.Look at posts by DonMartin. He's a wealth of knowledge on structure and patterns in lyrics.I come off quite blunt because my time is precious From what I read in Adriels biog. he's a pretty self confident guy. I don't think he'll offend easily "The music business can be harsh. If they don't like it, they'll be sure to let you know in two words or less."I wish they would use 2 words. Most of the time silence is all you'll get

[oxe57]

Hello,I can hear this as an alternative rock song with a heavy backbeat. Am I right? Moderate tempo and passionate vocals. You would have to produce the heck out of this one cause the plot is a bit thin but I could still fly. If you are the artist to sing this song then go for it if not you might here others say it's too personal. Just something to think about................peace!