Tomorrow's Kiss - ROUGH 2 verses and choruses REVISED

[Casey H]

Minor edits made... I think the verse lyrics are pretty cliche... Not sure if I need to take action to keep from getting a summons from the Cliche Police... I usually cringe at some of these phrases.

One thing that drives me crazy, is even though this is a rough, how is the vocal level in the mix? I guess 'cos I'm so self-conscious as a non-performer, I keep messing with it. Don't like hearing my own voice too much over the music.

As long as it's my non-birthday, I thought I'd crave attention and see if I can get more feedback on the SONG...

Best,
Casey

[shellsings]

HI Casey! I like the music, I am not as good critiquing music as I am lyrics. Just some suggestions, rhyme schemes would have to be fixed if you made some of these changes, but just my opinion, you don't have to make any changes I say! I just obsess over lyrics these days after so many critiques about lyrics...

Tomorrow's Kiss (c) CPH ... Do Not Steal!

(Verse)
I know I made a big mistake
I said that we should be just friends
I hurt you and I let you slip away
As fate would have it now you're here
(Why? Why is she there, like she gave you a second chance? or did you go to her and beg for her forgiveness. The only reason I ask is that is what critiquers(sp) ask me when I put something in a song and don't explain it right. )And I know we were meant to be
Look in my eyes, could I ever be more clear?

What if you re=arranged the first verse a bit
I told you that we should be just friends
I hurt you and I let you slip away
Now I know I made a big mistake
And I know we were meant to be
I'm asking for a second chance
Look in my eyes, could I ever be more clear?
The rhyme scheme would need fixed, but that might tell the story a bit better?
(Chorus)
'Cos I swear
I swear to this
I'll dry yesterday's tears
With tomorrow's kiss

(Verse)same thing here
I never met someone like you before
I let my fears make me so weak or My fears had me running out the door
I Didn't think that you would stay with me

for this next part I still feel like you should be asking her for the second chance and she is considering and you are trying to say you changed so she should take you back, then maybe in the bridge, she did take you back and now you are happy.

Life can bring a second chance
We got ours and I won't blow it
Touch me now and feel a different man

(Chorus 2x)
'Cos I swear
I swear to this
I'll dry yesterday's tears
With tomorrow's kiss

(Repeats)

[Casey H]

Thanks Shell! All good points! I sort of slapped the verse lyrics together quickly get some ideas on how to support the chorus, which I had first. Your feedback is very helpful! I need to do some tweaking (or more) there...

Best!
Casey

[waltl]

Casey,

One comment about Verse 2. The language in the verse and chorus has a very romantic feeling. To me, "I won't blow it" doesn't seem to quite fit that feeling. I would go with something like "We got ours and I won't lose it."

Walt

I let my fears make me so weak
I never met someone like you
Didn't think that you would stay with me
Life can bring a second chance
We got ours and I won't blow it
Touch me now and feel a different man

[Casey H]

Thanks Walt.... Appreciate the input!

Casey

[Casey H]

One more question...

My hook is:
"I'll dry yesterday's tears with tomorrow's kiss"

From a literal point of view, you can't dry yesterday's tears. They'd be long dry. So on a literal basis, it does not make sense. However, how much artistic license is OK? Is it one of those things where everyone 'gets' what I'm saying so it's OK, or does it need to be changed to make literal sense?

Thanks
Casey

[ciskokidd]

Hey Casey, I like the idea overall and the title is great. I find it hard to reconcile the "I let you go like an idiot" loss with the "oh but look you're back in the picture" sentiment. It makes more sense that the singer laments the mistake and uses an "if I ever get another chance" device to communicate the desire to take the mistake back and make it all better. Best of luck.

Cisco

[Casey H]

Thanks Cisco! Always insightful feedback from you! Much appreciated!

Casey

[fret17]

One more question...

My hook is:
"I'll dry yesterday's tears with tomorrow's kiss"

From a literal point of view, you can't dry yesterday's tears. They'd be long dry. So on a literal basis, it does not make sense. However, how much artistic license is OK? Is it one of those things where everyone 'gets' what I'm saying so it's OK, or does it need to be changed to make literal sense?

Thanks
Casey

Hi Casey....I'm sure you're fine here with the metaphor...."yesterday's tears" is the focal point that comes to mind...which suggests a past mistake...drying..clearly an attempt to remedy the past....tomorrow's kiss... the promise of that remedy through love renewed....That's what makes it a great hook /title...There may be a few listeners that will puzzle with the literal in lyrics...but that didn't stop Steven Sondheim from writing "Send in the Clowns"...a masterpiece in metaphor.

[Casey H]

Thanks Tom.... It's funny how defensive we can get knowing we have to get past intense scrutiny, whether it's a Taxi screener, a publisher, A&R person, etc. Not complaining! I'm totally fine with that. I accept it as part of the biz. We have to be a notch better as unknowns...

Personally, I don't think the "average listener" would give a second thought to whether that makes sense--- they'll 'get it' immediately. Screeners and publishers? Not as sure... I think the verse lyrics are much more an issue... not quite there yet as a cohesive story-- a starting point IMO...

Thanks again!
Casey