VER5 (the one we submitted) - for HOMELESS listing

We're putting YOU in the drivers seat!

Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff

deantaylor
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 2981
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:47 pm
Contact:

VER5 (the one we submitted) - for HOMELESS listing

Post by deantaylor » Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:23 am

Thanks to your awesome comments on our first four drafts and to my hard working and talented co-writer Lee Johnson .. Here is VERSION 5 .. the one we submitted. Over the course of 9 days we made quite a few improvements, many based on your comments below. Comments still welcome on this version, because we plan to submit the song to further listings .. it can still be changed and improved. Got any 'sounds-likes or ala's' .. tell us.VERSION 5 (the one we submitted):http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... 7&stream=1 Thanks,Dean---------------------------------------------------------NEW LISTING -- SONGS THAT SPEAK of socio-economic distress (loss of jobs, homelessness, addiction, failure of government agencies, armed service benefit breakdown, mental instability, fate and challenges that lead to one losing their home/family/dignity) are sought by a Music Publisher with tons of film/TV placements for a cable network series featuring music that will be performed by homeless musicians. Lyrical focus should be on the above mentioned themes, yet he's open to all musical styles. Any tempo is okay, but mid to uptempo songs are preferable. Great performances are a must. His deal is very simple -- he splits the license fee with you 40/60 [that 60% is for you] and he doesn't take any publishing. The company's president will screen the submissions. Great recording quality is a plus, but excellent home recordings will work. Please submit one to three songs online or per CD. All submissions will be screened on a YES/NO BASIS ONLY -- NO CRITIQUES FROM TAXI. Submissions must be received no later than Feb. 20, 2008.TAXI # Y080220HN-----------------------------------------------------------FRAGILE© 2008 by Lee Johnson & Dean Brantley TaylorLyrics by Dean Brantley Taylor (ASCAP) Denver, CO 80218 USA www.mp3unsigned.com/DeanTaylor.asp www.LetsTalkMusic.com/DeanTaylor Music by Lee JohnsonVERSECracks start showing. Spots are getting weakFingers in the holes, some are bound to leakDanger, danger, warning lights flashDanger, danger, here comes the crashPRECHORUS 1Flashing, flashing, bright lights in your faceOne flash away from your darkest day (and you’re)CHORUSFragile, fragileStuck out too far from the edgeOne tight rope underneathAnother tight around your neckFragile, fragileCan’t withstand a fall Fragile, fragile(You) can’t stand much, can’t stand much at all Fragile VERSEChange gets harder. You’re stuck in one placeCan’t afford to move, can’t afford to wasteRinging, ringing, warning bells ringGet all ready. Ready for the stingPRECHORUS 2Pounding, pounding, heartbeat in your chestJust one beat away from nothingness (and you’re)CHORUS BRIDGEBones like egg shells .. One slip, it’s doneYou’re broken on the pavement, frying in the sunCHORUS END© 2008 by Lee Johnson & Dean Brantley Taylor

billg
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 2524
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2007 11:23 am
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: FRAGILE - for the HOMELESS listing Y080220HN

Post by billg » Mon Feb 11, 2008 2:28 am

hey Dean, I think with some harmony the chorus would be great, strong & memorable. Some of the lyrics in the verses sound a little like they're being forced to fit in time wise. Also, the line in the chorus, "one tightrope underneath & another tight around your neck" may not work. A rope around the neck would be ok, but it sounds like you mean a tightrope around the neck.

deantaylor
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 2981
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:47 pm
Contact:

Re: FRAGILE - for the HOMELESS listing Y080220HN

Post by deantaylor » Mon Feb 11, 2008 2:45 am

Thanks Bill, I agree with you about the chorus, I love what Lee has done there! Harmonies would make it even better. Probably he plans to add them.We are considering removing the 5th verse line, maybe that could free up a little space.In the chorus, I mean .. there is also a rope around your neck and it is 'tight' ... but I get what you are saying. Maybe this lyric is prone to a little misinterpretation, but it is so cooool. Plus, just on a 'subconcious' basis, I like having the word 'tight' in there twice, as it gives the listener more and more the feeling of a tense/tight situation. Probably gonna have to risk it, but I'll play around, see if I can find a way to reword it, keeping it cool, but eliminating misinterpretation possibilities. Thanks for pointing it out.Dean

lc
Active
Active
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2008 8:48 am
Contact:

Re: FRAGILE - for the HOMELESS listing Y080220HN

Post by lc » Mon Feb 11, 2008 4:41 am

Hi Dean,I agree with Bill, some harmonies would be great for the chorus. It would also be good to hear some harmonies during the second half of the pre-choruses:Flashing, flashing, bright lights in your faceOne flash away from your darkest day Pounding, pounding, heartbeat in your chestJust one beat away from nothingnessAlso, maybe adding some more drum fills would be nice. Nothing major of course, but just something to help separate the different parts. Like the one in between the bridge and the last chorus. Also, some of the vocals seem to be a bit flat.Of course, I realize it's just a draft, so there's more work to be done...but I think the addition of backing vocals and more lively drums would be a great addition to an already fine sounding piece!

deantaylor
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 2981
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:47 pm
Contact:

Re: FRAGILE - for the HOMELESS listing Y080220HN

Post by deantaylor » Mon Feb 11, 2008 4:53 am

Thanks LC, that's what we're looking for ... ideas.Dean

leejohnson
Getting Busy
Getting Busy
Posts: 113
Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2006 11:47 am
Gender: Male
Location: Boulder, CO
Contact:

Re: FRAGILE - for the HOMELESS listing Y080220HN

Post by leejohnson » Mon Feb 11, 2008 11:51 am

Great points...will use these and more...please keep 'em coming!Lee

deantaylor
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 2981
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:47 pm
Contact:

Re: NEW VERSION - for HOMELESS listing (Feb 20)

Post by deantaylor » Sun Feb 17, 2008 2:00 pm

Thanks for your comments on our first draft. Here is VERSION 2. Lee changed a lot: new prechorus and bridge melodies, new instrumentation, removed 5th line from verses, etc! Some changes, like bvs and drum fills, based on your comments below. I changed the bridge lyric and came up with several 'fixes' for a possible interpretation problem with the TIGHTROPE lyric (thanks Bill, for pointing that out). We went with an option that changed phrasing, but not words. Tell us if it works. All comments welcome on the mix, instrumentation, or songwriting. We have 'till Tues Feb 19 to make changes.Thanks,Dean

User avatar
hummingbird
Total Pro
Total Pro
Posts: 7189
Joined: Tue Jun 15, 2004 11:50 am
Location: Canada
Contact:

Re: NEW VERSION - for HOMELESS listing (Feb 20)

Post by hummingbird » Sun Feb 17, 2008 3:00 pm

Hi Dean - had a chance for a listen.Lead vocals are good but sound a little dry. A touch more reverb would help with that. Harmonies are good. Mix sounds like you need to bring up the mids just a teensy bit. Vocals a little pitchy on 'ringing ringing'. Lyrics sound appropriate. I was a little concerned that the music sounded too 'bouncy', too 'happy'... so I'd be cautious to ensure that the music & production reflect the spirit of the lyrics.Now the challenge is... for the vocalist to sell the song (was he 100% well when he recorded this?). He's negotiating the phrasing and the music well, but I'm not sure if he's really "feeling" it. He needs to sing with good tone & be fully present... but say "fragile" at the same time. That means moving beyond the mechanics and being "in" the song, "owning" the song vocally. I know how hard you are working on this, just needs a little more polish,hugsHummin'bird
"As we are creative beings, our lives become our works of art." (Julia Cameron)

Shy Singer-Songwriter Blog

Vikki Flawith Music Website

deantaylor
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 2981
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:47 pm
Contact:

Re: NEW VERSION - for HOMELESS listing (Feb 20)

Post by deantaylor » Sun Feb 17, 2008 3:10 pm

Vikki,Thanks. The mix is not final and we have time for changing some things, so Lee will appreciate your comments. When I first heard it, I was a little concerned that the music was a bit too 'happy', but I had a preconceived notion .. how it sounded in my head for 2 years. So, we asked others what they thought and only one agreed .. and he had reviewed my lyric several times and had his own preconceptions. You are the first to voice it without preconception (although, I guess, you also read this lyric before, too).Lee did make some changes to this version specifically to make it less 'happy'.Anyone else think it is still too 'happy'??? Or do you think the mood is good .. fitting for the lyric?Dean

User avatar
hummingbird
Total Pro
Total Pro
Posts: 7189
Joined: Tue Jun 15, 2004 11:50 am
Location: Canada
Contact:

Re: NEW VERSION - for HOMELESS listing (Feb 20)

Post by hummingbird » Sun Feb 17, 2008 3:26 pm

I listened again so I could be more specific...bringing the mids up will help, so the modulating chords can be heard against the vocal linethe vocals have a lilt on these words that make it sound 'happy' - try taking the note down instead of up, or staying straight...fa-ACEfragile fragi-ILE (1st time each chorus)che-ESTunderneAthThe melody for the hook at beginning of the chorus - sounds "major" when it should be "minor". Also, the hook at the end of the chorus... seems fast and 'pep-py'also... broken on the pavement seems rushedflying in the sun - the lift on that sounds too 'positive'IF you end up redoing this... then I would drop the speed a little to allow more time for the phrasing... even just 5 or 10 bpmall this is just my opinion, I could be totally out to lunchV
"As we are creative beings, our lives become our works of art." (Julia Cameron)

Shy Singer-Songwriter Blog

Vikki Flawith Music Website

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 8 guests