VER5 (the one we submitted) - for HOMELESS listing

[deantaylor]

Thanks to your awesome comments on our first four drafts and to my hard working and talented co-writer Lee Johnson .. Here is VERSION 5 .. the one we submitted. Over the course of 9 days we made quite a few improvements, many based on your comments below. Comments still welcome on this version, because we plan to submit the song to further listings .. it can still be changed and improved. Got any 'sounds-likes or ala's' .. tell us.VERSION 5 (the one we submitted):http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... 7&stream=1 Thanks,Dean---------------------------------------------------------NEW LISTING -- SONGS THAT SPEAK of socio-economic distress (loss of jobs, homelessness, addiction, failure of government agencies, armed service benefit breakdown, mental instability, fate and challenges that lead to one losing their home/family/dignity) are sought by a Music Publisher with tons of film/TV placements for a cable network series featuring music that will be performed by homeless musicians. Lyrical focus should be on the above mentioned themes, yet he's open to all musical styles. Any tempo is okay, but mid to uptempo songs are preferable. Great performances are a must. His deal is very simple -- he splits the license fee with you 40/60 [that 60% is for you] and he doesn't take any publishing. The company's president will screen the submissions. Great recording quality is a plus, but excellent home recordings will work. Please submit one to three songs online or per CD. All submissions will be screened on a YES/NO BASIS ONLY -- NO CRITIQUES FROM TAXI. Submissions must be received no later than Feb. 20, 2008.TAXI # Y080220HN-----------------------------------------------------------FRAGILE© 2008 by Lee Johnson & Dean Brantley TaylorLyrics by Dean Brantley Taylor (ASCAP) Denver, CO 80218 USA www.mp3unsigned.com/DeanTaylor.asp www.LetsTalkMusic.com/DeanTaylor Music by Lee JohnsonVERSECracks start showing. Spots are getting weakFingers in the holes, some are bound to leakDanger, danger, warning lights flashDanger, danger, here comes the crashPRECHORUS 1Flashing, flashing, bright lights in your faceOne flash away from your darkest day (and you’re)CHORUSFragile, fragileStuck out too far from the edgeOne tight rope underneathAnother tight around your neckFragile, fragileCan’t withstand a fall Fragile, fragile(You) can’t stand much, can’t stand much at all Fragile VERSEChange gets harder. You’re stuck in one placeCan’t afford to move, can’t afford to wasteRinging, ringing, warning bells ringGet all ready. Ready for the stingPRECHORUS 2Pounding, pounding, heartbeat in your chestJust one beat away from nothingness (and you’re)CHORUS BRIDGEBones like egg shells .. One slip, it’s doneYou’re broken on the pavement, frying in the sunCHORUS END© 2008 by Lee Johnson & Dean Brantley Taylor

[hummingbird]

Hi Dean - had a chance for a listen.Lead vocals are good but sound a little dry. A touch more reverb would help with that. Harmonies are good. Mix sounds like you need to bring up the mids just a teensy bit. Vocals a little pitchy on 'ringing ringing'. Lyrics sound appropriate. I was a little concerned that the music sounded too 'bouncy', too 'happy'... so I'd be cautious to ensure that the music & production reflect the spirit of the lyrics.Now the challenge is... for the vocalist to sell the song (was he 100% well when he recorded this?). He's negotiating the phrasing and the music well, but I'm not sure if he's really "feeling" it. He needs to sing with good tone & be fully present... but say "fragile" at the same time. That means moving beyond the mechanics and being "in" the song, "owning" the song vocally. I know how hard you are working on this, just needs a little more polish,hugsHummin'bird

[hummingbird]

Quote:OK, here is a version I think we are going to submit. We have received so much helpful advice from everyone. I have done a lot of vocal re-phrasing and mixing and other items, to try to capture your ideas and infuse them in the song. Thanks again to everyone on this thread, and especially my co-writer and new friend Dean who is a real pleasure to work with!Best,Leehttp://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_id=102827&stream=1You two have come so far with this, and every version has been better than the one before.IMO there's a tamborine or high hat that sizzles a little in the chorus, I'd back it off a little if you can, or EQ it.Just a suggestion on the bridge - try dropping out the drums there (2:10/2:11) & coming back in on the kick at 2:19 - I think that would give it a little more contrast with the voice over sustained guitar.Good luck with the submission! Hope your hard work pays off,cheersHummin'bird