Return because a word in the lyrics...

[WSAO]

Hi folks,

Got a return because of the lyrics.
Your thoughts would be very appreciated.

Listing:
MODERN POP SONGS with MALE vocals are needed by a Major Label Songwriter/Producer for a range of A-List Artists she works with!

NOTE: This Client is BRAND NEW to requesting music from TAXI's members! This is a stellar opportunity to create a new industry relationship and outlet for your music!

This Client is on the hunt for Down-to-Mid Tempo Pop Songs in the general stylistic wheelhouse of the following examples, which we got directly from them:

“Be Alright” by Dean Lewis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0czvJ_jikg

“Power Over Me” by Dermot Kennedy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooXGj4RGrLs

“Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zABLecsR5UE

QUOTING THE PRODUCER: "We need mature Pop that is in the style of OneRepublic, Coldplay, and Lewis Capaldi with lyrics that are impactful."

Please submit modern Pop Songs with powerful lyrics and the type of sound that could be heard on a playlist with the references. Impactful melodies, captivating choruses, great musicianship, and well-crafted lyrics that express honest and genuine emotion are all needed for this opportunity. Modern Pop instrumentation in the general stylistic wheelhouse of the references will work best, such as guitar, keys/piano, bass, drums, etc. Please make sure that any virtual instruments or samples you use are high-quality and very realistic sounding. Honest and expressive Male vocal performances could go a long way in getting this producer excited about signing and plugging your songs!

Stripped-down demos and full productions are both okay to submit, as long as your Songs are great and your recordings are clean, clear, and well-balanced!

Critique:
What I like most about this song
Very nice and powerful vocal. The production is well done and I love the piano part.
I think you could improve this song by
"Precipice" is a cool concept. But I think for a pop song, finding a more universal word that means the same thing could have more impact.
I returned or forwarded this song because
I returned this song because the lyric "precipice" doesn't really roll off the tongue the way you'd want in an anthemic hook.

Song:
https://www.taxi.com/members/WJQg0yIBTr ... -precipice

Lyrics:
PRECIPICE

lately you been kinda checked out
feel it in my gut I know what it’s about
I been biding my time seeing if it dies out
oh but I’m in doubt

don’t tell me that it’s nothing
cause I know all your signs
and I feel like something’s changed
don’t make me think it’s crazy
like I’m out of my mind
no I’m not gonna play that game

‘cause there’s always a precipice
a first look, a first word, a first kiss
and there’s nothing going on
until there is

I say I don’t like your new friend
and I can see your mind try to tell your face
to act surprised and shake your head
when you say I’m outta place

and you don’t have to lie until you do
and I’m not jealous
but I wish I couldn’t see
the memory of what love looks like on you
‘cause this time it’s not about me

and there’s always a precipice
a first look, a first word, a first kiss
and there’s nothing going on
until there is

I find I’m hitting a wall
trying to reach you from the edge
but am I just watching you fall
am I watching you fall

‘Cause there’s always a precipice
a first look, a first word, a first kiss
and there’s nothing going on
until there is

there’s always a precipice
a first look, a first word, a first kiss
and there’s nothing going on
until there is

(always a first look)
(am I only watching you fall)
(until there is)

Thanks.

[Casey H]

I agree with the screener 100% here. That's an unusual word for a pop song, hard to sing, and some might not even know what it means. And this listing was for "Major Label Songwriter/Producer for a range of A-List Artists". That's an ultra-high bar.

This is a really solid Lewis Capaldi style song , easy to fix and pitch for sync. I can't imagine it would be difficult to replace that word even if you had to make a few other tweaks to the lyrics. Maybe something about "sensing the danger"? A simple message that young people can immediately relate to. Remember, in most cases pretend two young people are having a conversation. How would they speak?

Best,
Casey

[WSAO]

Thanks Casey!
But if they accept even stripped-down demos, couldn't they adjust the lyrics to better suit the artist if the rest of the song is strong enough?"

[Casey H]

Thanks Casey!
But if they accept even stripped-down demos, couldn't they adjust the lyrics to better suit the artist if the rest of the song is strong enough?"

Nope. Think about how competitive this is. One wrong thing and "click" to the next, especially when it's the title/chorus. They might even just look at the title and move on.

[WSAO]

Yep,

That make sense.

Thanks again, mate!
Cheers.

[Casey H]

How about...

From:
‘Cause there’s always a precipice
a first look, a first word, a first kiss
and there’s nothing going on
until there is

To:
'Cause I feel like I'm in danger
Every look, every kiss
and there’s nothing going on
until there is

Casey

[funsongs]

Hmmm... very interesting...
Makes me wanna ask you -
What do YOU mean (to express) - what does that word mean TO YOU?
Then - what other choices do can you come up with to express the very same thing?
I/we could suggest things - but you, as the author/writer - I think it should come from you.

[WSAO]

Thanks guys.
We'll figure out how to avoid the precipice
Cheers!

[funsongs]

Thanks guys.
We'll figure out how to avoid the precipice
Cheers!

I see what you did there - living dangerously - so to speak.

[cosmicdolphin]

From:
‘Cause there’s always a precipice
a first look, a first word, a first kiss
and there’s nothing going on
until there is

to:

I'm on the edge of the abyss
a first look, a first word, a first kiss
and there’s nothing going on
until there is


Keep syour rhyming scheme intact and your lyrical inten