Please Critique

[renips]

I am asking for roughly 3:15 sec of your time to listen to a song called Tonight. I would like to hear your impressions. You can listen to the song at http://www.taximusic.com/hosting/home.p ... rkspinnerI Thank you in advance for your timeMark Spinner

[mfowler]

Hi Mark,What is the context? ie.. are you targeting a specific listing or are you looking for feedback as an artist? Makes it easier for us to be helpful.thanks,Marlin

[renips]

Nov 16, 2009, 6:02pm, mfowler wrote:Hi Mark,What is the context? ie.. are you targeting a specific listing or are you looking for feedback as an artist? Makes it easier for us to be helpful.thanks,MarlinThanks MarlinI just want to hear what whatever impressions come to mind. I would be interested in hearing what Genre this would be appropriate for as well as any technical critiques that some may have. Also if any of you have any thoughts on any a la's that this tune may fit with that would be helpful for future listing submissionsThanks Mark

[remmet]

Hi Mark,I'll take a crack at this. I hope my comments don't seem entirely negative, but I'll give you my honest impressions. They are just one person's opinion.First, I like the backing instrumental track. It sounds good and is well recorded, etc. But it doesn't seem to fit this song at all. The track is aggressive and rock-like, but the lyrics are fairly romantic - "I'm gonna take my baby out on the town to paint it a subtle shade of red." "We'll go to fancy places .... watch the faces of people standing out in line. . ." "We don't have a lot of time, but we'll make the moments last, and we'll reason and we'll rhyme" (???) "I've got a penny in my pocket and I'll turn it into a smile just for you," etc. The sweetness of the words and the style of the music don't match.As for the lyrics themselves, it would be helpful if they were more compelling and fresh sounding. Also, the time gaps between lines interrupt the flow of the story. The chorus, as well, could be stronger and catchier. I'm not sure if the octave vocals really help matters. And the time gaps continue through the chorus.Regarding the vocal performance, it was pretty pitchy, and the wide vibrato accentuated the pitchiness. To my ears, a lot of the vocal seem a bit sharp, and the octaves weren't in tune.You know, maybe I shouldn't have sat in on all the A&R listening sessions at the Rally. It's changed my standards for life. Anyway, those are my impressions. I'd suggest taking the backing track and making a new song with it.Best wishes,Richard

[japaneseprincess]

it doent sound so current or comtemporary to me. I dont know what you are aiming for as Marlin says. not sure if the percussion part in your pre chorus works, it just comes as a surprise. i have a feeling that the vocals is sort of disjointed from music. its just my opinion, others may feel different.need more work on dynamics (quiet part, build up etc..)? as well...

[mfowler]

Mark,I'm listening on my laptop, so bear that in mind.. I agree with Richard about the backing track (sounds good) and with Japaneseprincess on the dynamics.. verses need to build to the chorus and then come down to verses. it seemed to be on the same plane all the way through. A little bit pitchy in some places on vocals, (but not too bad IMO), and like Richard and Japaneseprincess says, they dont seem to fit in with the music.. except for the section starting around 2:42 or so.. that sounded pretty good to me!!! There are portions of this that could be used in the film/tv areas under Rock type listing, IMO. If you are looking to market this as a whole, you would need to do some re-working, especially for more contemporary listings (i.e. backing tracks to alt/pop rock or vocals to more rock and add dynamic). I'm not much of a lyricsist, so not commetning there). So, some pretty good points, and some that need addressing, depending what you are targeting.. You obviously have some good skills, so keep after it! HTH!! Marlin

[renips]

Thanks all so far for your time. I appreciate your opinionsMark

[glender]

For future reference I like it when people post the lyrics in their thread. Being able to read through the song while listening really helps IMO. The electric guitar sounds good, it's really driving the action. I like your voice too. The drums are doing there job (loose the drum riff in the chorus) and I don't hear any bass, if it's there bring it up some more. The spacing between the verses seems untypical of a rock song. When I thought the next verse would start it was delayed one measure. Tighten that up and add a guitar solo, I mean really it is a rock song right? So cut loose on that guitar one time. . As far as the lyrics go I listened to the song three times and I think they could use some polishing. Make the story better and tighter. I think these lyrics can work with this music but they need to flow from beginning to end effortlessly. Over all I would say yes you have a song here and I liked it , but still a work in progress not a polished gem ready for submission to a publisher. If you'd like some help with your lyrics PM me a lyric sheet and drop me a note. I'd be willing to donate a little bit of time to your cause.

[jamesm]

Hi, Mark. I listened... twice. I don't know that I have much to add. I think everyone's covered everything I thought about the music while I was listening to it. I'm a little detail-minded kind of guy when it comes to lyrics, so I hope you don't mind if I share some ideas on the lyric. Please feel free to ignore any of the comments you don't find useful.Besides the music not matching the lyric, I think that the lyric doesn't seem to match the melody, either. There are large gaps right in the middle of a thought; for example, "Out onto the town to...." It sounds like "Out onto the town, too". More examples: "And I'll turn it into..." "Lend me your ear and..." The melody calls for shorter thoughts, punchier ideas to fit the music. If you find you're ending on preposition or a conjunction and then a long gap, it's usually not a good sign. I would be shooting for ending most phrases on a verb or a strong descriptive word and then work back from there. Also, altering a standard phrase like "out on the town" to "out onto the town" just to fit the melody pulls away from the thought, in my opinion.If the same notes are going to be in the verse and the chorus, there has to be something that really sets the chorus apart. Either the music has to really ramp up or a completely different sound needs to be introduced or something. I think part of the reason it feels so static is that there isn't a lot to distinguish the verse from the chorus.As I said, feel free to toss anything not useful. It's honestly meant as just another piece of feedback. Keep writing!

[stevereedmusic]

Hi Mark,I would echo much of what the other guys have said - the two major things that struck me on the first listen were the pauses (as glender says it seemed to delay a measure between the verse sections) and the dynamics i.e. the chorus needs to jump out more.I know I'm kind of repeating what's been mentioned already but I hope it's helpful that the same points strike a few different ears - much easier to know how to hone the song with the same key points from the majority rather than a whole lot of different ideas from individuals I hope Again just take the bits you need from my advice but my feeling would be to polish the verses and then re-write the chorus to try and make it really take off at a different angle and distinguish it from the rest of the song.Best of luck with it Steve