Thoughts on the lyric and song?

[southpaw]

Hey folks, this is a new one i wrote over the last couple weeks. Its titled "The Guardian". The story of the song is about my grandfather (Hilaire Le'ger) and his generation...(He lived from 1920-1973) He had a very interesting life, he grew up during the depression with 14 siblings! Earned a bronze start during WWII, had nine 9 kids of his own, became a murder detective in detroit, (not to mention they were the only white family in the neighborhood) and sung gigs when time allowed. I wanted to write this in memory of him and his life, i think its important to still honor that generation which is dissapearing.. I have a great deal of respect and appreciation to it. My dad actually wrote a book about him for his mother and his kids so they would know who he was.. I had an idea to write a song about him and worked with my old man to get the facts and make sure the message and everything was accurately conveyed. He's not musical, but hes an english minor and was actually very helpful with the lyric and phrasing. Its a 12 bar blues/minor cadence type of progression for the most part.Im not sold on the turnaround or bridge yet.. I put those down without much focus as i dont have much time now.. I have not finalized everything on this one in terms of mix and arrangement. I have not done any post pro/premastering so it may be a little quiet..Any thing stick out/thoughts on the mix? Particulary looking for thoughts on the melody, lyric, and arrangement as a whole. Does it flow well, singable, striking?I might try pitching this to an artist listing, but right now im just trying to make it as strong a song as i can, so any suggs/comments would be cool.. All comments are much appreciated.http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_mu ... dID=797266 "The Guardian" Written/Performed/Produced By: Jamie Le'gerCopyright 2009

[jwebbinspired]

You should post the lyrics for us to read along with the .mp3. What an awesome sound!! I love the rythm you've got going. And what a great song idea! The melody is strong...think it's great. The lyrics seemed good, there were some parts that didn't flow well for me, but I'd like to read them if you could post them.The arrangement to me was great. I like the brass you played during the chorus. And I really like the guitar riff.Rock onAndy

[southpaw]

Thanks Andy! Here are the lyrics, Verse 1:Grew up fast, grew up poorFifteen children and 3 off to warBrothers fought, one had to dieletters he sent home to his future brideVE day, battle was wonhome to detroit but still carried his gunPre-Chorus:Back before this handout epidemic back when welfare meant more than a paycheckLived a man who kept control of his tongueJust got the job done, ever since he was youngChorus: Nobody owed him nothingHe knew duty when he saw itTime after time Life broke his heart againBut through it all He remained The GuardianOnly time he ever criedWas the day his daughter diedTime after time Life broke his heart againBut through it all He remained The GuardianVerse 2:Now he had, nine of his ownan honest cop with financial woes simple joys; cards and golf Then tragedy struck, second child was lost had to go on; burdened and alone and it broke his heart, though he tried not to show Bridge:What is the legacy, of a good mana proud wife, children who stand grandkids still fight, in our nations service his contributions continue to flourish Jamie Le'gerCopyright 2009Soundscope Productions

[southpaw]

Any thoughts?

[djb]

I can't seem to use the soundclick site for hearing music. Only have dial up modem. I'll soon have high speed and can join in more often listening to folks music. That said, I do like the lyric and story. Dave

[carlosgomez]

Good production. Good stereo field. Drums are tops and blend well. Love the bass freqs. Vocs sit nicely. My meters hovered above zero during the chorus so methinks a mastering was performed. Oh wait I am at +1 on my board.....relistening........chorus now peaks at zero.k I was jamming while listening the second time so nicely done indeed. Both times I thought the intro guitar would be better served as a 50 pan left or right with 1 or 1/2 bpm delay opposite pan and horns center instead of center pan for guitar and 50 pan for horns. Then the chorus came in and filled the stereo field and brought balance.p.s. I just read your primer and see that no mastering has been performed. Great start

[southpaw]

Thanks for the listen and ideas Carlos.I should note that i have updated the version on soundclick that you hear now, since my original post, and i have done a little tinkering to the waveform. (I call it 'pre-mastering', as i think for me, mastering is best left to a pro 3rd party.)Ya know, thats a good idea about the intro. I think ill use it. thanks!

[kitz]

Ditto Carlos on the intro - really nice sound. Vox sound very nice, clear and sincere. Maybe spread the horns out just a little in the mix.Lyrics - in the middle of the 2nd verse where tragedy struck it seems to be handled too superficially or glossed over for such a tragic event. I don't really understand the welfare line - it's not clear to me what you're saying there but that may be just me. I love the harmonies and the mix. This sounds great!!Kitz

[southpaw]

hey Kitz, thanks bro. Appreciate the comments, and im glad to hear the vox sound sincere, which was an important part to me when i tracked. "Lyrics - in the middle of the 2nd verse where tragedy struck it seems to be handled too superficially or glossed over for such a tragic event. "Im not sure what you mean here, could you explain again for me?"I don't really understand the welfare line - it's not clear to me what you're saying there but that may be just me. I love the harmonies and the mix. This sounds great!!"The welfare line was intended to mean: common welfare, like the good of others and helping each other out. The wellbeing of others as opposed to the "welfare system" that, may pop into our heads when "welfare" is mentioned as opposed to the original definition. Does that make better sense? Is this line unclear for other folks as well, let me know if it is, because i dont want that line to be missed/confused by the listener.Thanks again!

[kitz]

The lyric is a bit confusing - "complex time 2nd child was lost". I know it's so hard to fit such a big thing into such a little space. It's REALLY hard!! Let's see, what about something like "then came the day 2nd child..." or something that focuses a little more on that event. I know what your trying to say but it seems there's got to be a way to hammer it home. Some way to frame that event a little more potently.I understand the welfare line since you spell it out but (I sound like a screener here) maybe a bit more to the point. I understand the handout epidemic and it's so complicated that so many implications can be reached. Maybe - Back when welfare meant lending a hand. Is that what you meant - because welfare and checks is a big sore spot for many many people who don't understand that the reason we need welfare for the people is because we give SO MUCH MORE welfare to the elite corporations. And even during those times there were handout epidemics to the elitists so it just doesn't quite ring to me. Now I'm not trying to be critical I'm only offering what I hear in an attempt to be helpful, don't mean to send you off your path - but those two lines should maybe be reworked with the same meaning in mind - just a different angle. Let me put on my BNR cap for a minute and maybe I'll be able to give you some better idea. Back in times when a man was a man and welfare meant you were lendin a hand. I don't know it's just a thought. Hope this helps a little. Maybe not. Maybe someone else on the forum can chime in here - if not maybe you should just go with what you got. Kitz