Longest Day (work in progress)

[twilsbach]

If you click through and listen, its clear that as I'm posting this work tape at 11:16, I'm not going to be anywhere near done with this track by the midnight deadline.Its a work in progress, and clearly not done--That said, I'm at a place where I'd love to hear some feedback on where its at. I'd lsubmit it as-is, but since that would be a waste of a screeners' time and my money, I'll post it here for you fine folks to tear apart instead Here's the listing I had in mind while writing:MODERN POP/HOT AC SONGS in the range of Natasha Bedingfield, Colbie Caillat, Kelly Clarkson, Five For Fighting, Rob Thomas, etc. are wanted by an established Music Publisher in Los Angeles. This company specializes in Film/TV and has signed & secured placements for many TAXI members. Original songs that sound like they could be on the radio will get the most attention for this one. Lyrics should be unique, but universal - these need to be versatile for a wide variety of placement opportunities. Be sure that there is no profanity in your material. Performances and the sound quality must be excellent (solid demo recordings are okay as long as the quality is there). They offer a non-exclusive, 50/50 split deal - you keep your original copyrights. Broadcast quality needed. Please submit one to three songs online or per CD. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI and must be received by November 25, 2008. TAXI #S081125MP Here's the song:Longest DayIts been three days since I've been over the borderIts been three days since I've been doing fineAll my life since is out of orderMy insecurity meter is pegging the lineI try to speak, my words are foreignDon't speak the language the others doMy fumbling fingers dial your numberMy voice breaks but I can talk to youAnd all I need is to get through one more dayHow far can we bend before we breakIts the longest dayThe one I have to wait for youI'll wait for youVivid fades to plainEveryday that I'm away from hereYou make the colors appearIts the longest dayThe one I have to wait for youand I'll waitBut its the longest dayDon't know the place my feet are plantedgotta get 'em moving back to homeI set out to seek my fortuneThe only thing I found was Fool's GoldNow all I need 's, everything that I once hadDarling please, say "We bent but didn't break"CHORUSSo. Lyrically, melodically, phrasing-wise. Do you think I'm on-target?Whats working?Whats not working?Also, if you could not mention the notes I didn't quite hit...

[ideascapes]

Hey Tim,Sorry you didn't make the deadline. I actually checked the TAXI page and, yep, the listing is pulled already (seems there have been times in the past when I've snuck a submission in past the deadline).Anyway, I think this is the first of your pieces I've heard and it's really good. You have a super voice for this genre and it really helps to sell the song.The guitar support is really fine. With the quick strumming, there were a few instances on my first listen when I heard the chords change underneath and thought, that was an interesting harmonic choice. Later on, I heard one that was a more obvious "mistake."Lyrics are not my strength, but I thought yours were pretty strong here too. I would say your verses don't exactly center on why you're away, why you left, and how much you're missing, but the (long) chorus certainly does.The chorus lift is strong--way to reach the high notes there. Harmonically, I found myself wishing you had hit an F#m instead of F#major chords under the 1st two "wait" and "away", then go to the F#major the third time. I think the F#major was telling my ears that the chorus was almost over, when it really wasn't. This could be my own bias and might be one of those choices that adds tension to the song and is worth keeping. I think I'd just experiment with the F#m7 the 1st two times to hear if it sounds better. You might also try going to an A chord after 4 beats of the F#.The chorus melody was super to me. I found my ears wanting you to sing an E note instead of the C# for the very last note (over "day"). The C# is an interesting choice, but one that adds a little tension instead of resolving (which could be your intent).I don't usually offer such detailed ideas to somebody who I don't know, so I hope you take them in the spirit they were intended--that I really like the song and your voice.Vince

[wrdsnmuzik]

Just a quick note on the mood: first thought that popped up when listening was indie movie. I could definitely hear this on the soundtrack of a movie like Juno or Rocket Science. Perhaps even a teen romantic-comedy-type movie. Clean this sucker up and it should be a keeper!

[twilsbach]

Hey guys,Thanks for listening and commenting.Vince, Thanks for the detailed suggestions, great stuff. Will definitely give those ideas a try. I do feel really good about where the chorus is at melodically, glad thats coming across.Geoff, its good to know that there is some mood being conveyed, even in this very un-produced track.Keep those comments coming y'all!

[anne]

Nice start. Nice voice! I have to agree about the C# vs E on "day"

[mojobone]

The acoustic guitar figure in the intro might work better with humbucking electrics through medium-gain AC30ish amps, would make for a nice contrast with the main acoustic of the verses/chorus; maybe need an active bass part that goes to half-time in the chorus to accentuate the feel of time slowed down. Scanning the lyrics, the non-rhyme phrase 'fool's gold' kinda sticks out, but maybe not in context. I'd say with a few genre-appropriate production touches, it'll be dead on for the listing, and quite a few others.

[cjdenecia]

tim ... hi ... a new guy here - cj ....I don't beat around the bush so much ....so I won't.fantastic voice. and you have hit on a great melody and the chorus moves up well and soars pretty well ... and I know this is simply a demo so those few sour notes aren't a bother cus you have a great ability to find that one last top of your range ...(btw - you might be careful ... it sounds like you're singing focking week ..)but in this arrangement, I'm just wishing you either got somebody else to work the acoustic guitar OR just simplify. the best chance for this or that with this song is if you show it without the bed track ...there are times I like the melody a bunch but the guitar is a distraction .... (I guess you probably wrote it on guitar but still I'm gonna rule, with the excellent melody, that it's the guitar that is playing the wrong notes ...)plus - the rhythm is all wrong on the verses ... completely ... it's 2 different songs, the playing and the singing .... can't make that any clearer really - the guitar is just never ever gonna work on this.and it sounds like you're an intermediate player at best, so why not hit up somebody with some licks to help you? attacked correctly, you could easily turn this disjointed presentation of a great idea vocally into something that works. this doesn't.I mean, you're better on guitar than me so I don't have much room to talk, but I get players to take my ideas and make them a reality and never let my recorded hacks hit any ears besides that hear them right here in my living room ...sorry if I'm speaking out of turn and you've explained why it is that it's so ... all I'm talking about is what I'm hearing here.but to me, facts is, you've got some talents as a songwriter and singer but you need help presenting the goods. get it.really, only then will you be given a fair shake at some shots.

[heinsite]

listen to cj, that's exactly what i thought, "presenting the goods" is very well put.the mix is way back for the guitar (and the guitar needs work), and the balance of the other tracks aren't there, but the song IS there! i'd have it demo'd--nice tune.the best,warren

[ibanez468]

OK Tim W!I can hear where you're goin' with this, and I realize you're just in the process of putting it together. That being said, I think you're missing one more chord on the chorus. Based on the notes I'm hearing you play and matching them on my keyboard, sounds like you're playing E, B, F# at the chorus. JMO, but maybe throwin' an A in there might help. So, you'd have E,B,F#, A. I think that would get you around the chorus nicely, and also bring you back into the verses smoothly. You know, the usual Rock progressions. Hangin' that F# out there for another bar, just seemed kinda' awkward. FWIW, I can relate to the rhythmic chord structure ya' got goin' there during the verses. But there were a few notes you stuck in there that didn't sound right. Otherwise, it works for me. I'd be interested in hearing it again, once you've got the full production together. WIP! I-468

[twilsbach]

Great stuff all--thanks for listening!I debated just posting the lyrics since this is such a rough (bad) performance but thought it would help hearing the melody. Thats just my process, find a drum groove and guitar part I'm feeling, then work out the melody from there, so what your hearing is definitely the warts-and-all version. CJ, you make a good point though, the guitar part is too busy, I'll definitely be addressing that.If anyone is lurking this thread that has an lyric commentary I'd love to hear that too!