"Jail Break" - Would Love Feedback

[jwebbinspired]

Hey guys, I wanted to share a newer song of mine. I'm not planning on any listing right now. l'd love some feedback/suggestions. I think it's very alt-country/folk rock. Let me know any thoughts.I realize the production is lacking, I'm clipping in many places and I just got a compressor the otherday so hopefully I can fix that.http://www.andrewscottwills.com/jb.mp3"Jail Break"By Andrew Scott Wills (c)2008We spend our days,Looking through the bars,Trying to recall back when we were free,But the warden's got us locked up,Says we deserve the limit,And we do, but the governor said he'd take the hit,How about a jail break?We'll slip right under the wall,Cleanse our mistakes,We can kidnap our voo doo doll,We can out run the hounds,Com'on let's jail break,The governor can make this all go away,We'll all go insane,Rotting in the slammer,We're loosing our minds day by day,This prison is the warden's way,Of making you suffer,But if the warden's who you fear you must not trust the governor,How about a jail break?We'll slip right under the wall,Cut through the gate,We'll be in the clear by dawn,We can jump on the train,We can head to Mexico,I just can't live for nothing anymore,We'll slip right under the wall,Cleanse our mistakes,We can kidnap our voo doo doll,We can out run the hounds,Com'on let's jail break,The governor can make this all go away,

[davekershaw]

Hey, good track Andrew!

[jwebbinspired]

Thanks Dave. I'm happy with my lyrics, but my production sucks. I'm in the middle of working on my "Good Morning Princess" right now and I remembered that track and how please I am with the lyrics.Any suggestions? Andy

[aldicicco]

Hi Andrew,Why is the guy in the song in such a hurry to break out? Sounds like he's been placed in a co-ed jail! Seriously, having a female voice in the song was a bit jarring, given the subject. There's no mention of a female in the story line. Could be that he needs his woman outside the wall as the getaway driver...Thanks for sharing this song. I look forward to the mixed version.Al

[davekershaw]

Nov 15, 2008, 7:55am, jwebbinspired wrote:Thanks Dave. I'm happy with my lyrics, but my production sucks. I'm in the middle of working on my "Good Morning Princess" right now and I remembered that track and how please I am with the lyrics.Any suggestions? AndyNo suggestions Andy.You're further on in production quality than me so all I'll say is: it sounds good to me as is.There are plenty of people here who can help on production.Good work!

[billg]

hey Andrew, I usually avoid commenting too much on lyrics because they can be soooo subjective that it's really kind of useless. That said, I think there might be a problem here. I think in order to really "get into" this song you would have to have some sympathy for this dude OR be able to identify in some way. For all we know he may have butchered an entire family in their sleep, not something that would make us "root" for him. I think the lyrics need a little "back story".

[remmet]

I loved the overall sound. Were you using a real guitar or was it software-based?I agree that the verses could use a bit more story line. It might also help unify the song if there was some sort of rhyme scheme in the verses. I didn't get the voo doo doll kidnapping reference. What was that about?Richard

[jwebbinspired]

Hey guys thanks for the feedback.I was using a real guitar with some light reverb (I was trying to sound like inside a prison)I do apparently need to do some rewriting lyrically. In all honesty this song is an analogy of salvation. The "warden" is satan or "sin" and the governor is Jesus. But my lyrics are apparently too vague. I took it to a Christian songwriting workshop with NSAI and it didn't work for them either. They thought it wasn't clear enough who these people are. So I thought maybe it would work outside of Christian music. But apparently I'm getting a very similar response.hmmmmmAndy

[jwebbinspired]

and the voo doo doll reference was just representing our sinful naturethe song is quite obviously not working... I'll work on it